I reject the old paradigm about what constitutes terrible behavior. I’m not your father’s unpredictable jerk. I envision a world that other people don’t want, and I make it so. I shoplift candy and then I throw it away. That way, no one can have it.

Me being awful is what’s hot right now.

If you have a wedding, I’ll ruin it. When the officiant asks if anyone objects, I’ll yell out, “I object—to the institution of marriage!” Hear that, mental slaves? Monogamy is dead, and I killed it. Better have a funeral. Only don’t invite me, because I also ruin funerals.

The old guard is on its way out, so get with the program. Specifically, the program of me hiding a bunch of shrimp throughout the mall so the mall smells bad.

Picture this for a second: a duck with shoes. Pointless, right? Well, that’s a second you’ll never get back. And if I could give it back, I wouldn’t. You’ve been disrupted! (“You’ve been disrupted!” is what I yell at people after I shake them out of their dazed, bourgeois slumbers.)

My mission is to open up insufferable new horizons.