have my large handed urologist perform a prostate check with one hand 🖐 while he’s having trouble properly inserting a urine gathering catheter into my penis with the other hand 🤚

With my bare hands, no bag, no scoop, just pick it up bare-handed and put it in the trash can.

drive over Donnor Pass tonight than listen to disgusting fish mouth.

Consisting of the Barney Theme, Baby Shark Doo Doo, and Hansen's Mmm-Bop ... while getting a root canal ... two days into withdrawing from a 5 year heroin bender.

...

Okay, maybe not that last part.

.... without having to even glimpse his revolting visage when I'm checking. the rebuttal is not listed as a separate item on my cable guide. Can someone here at DU post as soon as the SOTU is over? Oh.... right, I guess not. No one here will be watching...

Watching Trump spout lies is more painful.

I made a joke about the Olive Garden in Times Square last month and nobody caught it. We oldtimers must honor the fights that made DU interesting and funny.

But I wondered if anybody would get it. So I didn't do it!

You also need to be smoking, breastfeeding and holding a pit bull while listening to Chuggo albums.

I'm so proud

that's funny you mentioned that because I googled the cat but earlier today.
was feeling nostalgic, I guess

To this day, I can still laugh about it so hard that I get tears in my eyes.

All of the priceless threads should be put in a special forum, so that we can find them and reminisce from time to time.

Thank goodness that we have a lot of funny people on this board. They get us through the hard times! Whether they mean to or not. (Olive Garden.)

That’s going way back

We aren't supposed to talk about (ahem) chicken.

Kudzu is safer.

toilets.

of tchochkes!!

I hope someone gets this movie reference....

shove an ice pick under a toenail or two

When I have to go to the PO, it means that I sold something.

I'd rather comb my hair with a cheese grater while chewing tinfoil.

stick red hot pokers into my eyes.

Seriously, just hearing that voice makes me anxious.

than watch the SOTU.

Got any Creedence?

I feel that way about just seeing his skanky face, let alone having to actually HEAR him.




Laura

Talk about living on the edge!!!

If anyone thinks I'm going to get up at 3 A.M. to watch some clown do an Alec Baldwin imitation in front of Congress, they have another think coming.

Than watch that shit show

I’m on the other side of the Atlantic and very happy to be here.

I salute you all who are about to listen. I send you strength lol.

Including the halftime show

Well, maybe not including the halftime show.

The Vikings

"I would rather slowly bleed to death."

But yours is funnier.

I stole if from someone on Facebook in a comment section on a news post.
This was several weeks ago before Nancy asked the Dumpster to reschedule.
I should have saved that link, because it was better than reading through fake Amazon reviews.

I would rather sit on Grammie’s plastic covered couch watching a Lawrence Welk marathon.

I would rather swim in snot than watch that idgit.

No one said i had to choose something miserable

a fractured hand at the same time, which I seriously have right now.

I'd rather scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baller.

I'd rather listen to my dad tell me what a great lay my mom is.

I'd rather sit through another 4 hour PowerPoint brief on tax preparation.

I'd rather stand a "balls to four" quarterdeck watch on a frigate in Bangor Maine in January.

I'd rather stand conning officer on the bridge of a Battleship doing the 18 hour Panama Canal transit in August.

These are just a few things I'd rather do.

over and over until the SOTU is history.

than listen to his State of the Shitshow invective.

...three courses of chocolate tonight---yum!

...fuck myself with an unlubed dildo..

And explosive diarrhea thanlisten to one millisecond of that traitorous rat bastard.

Watch John Travolta video of him dancing to Bee Gees' Staying Alive 20 times.

sit here, eating a baked apple and responding to your post than watch that lying liar.

Then put out with a sledgehammer.

into a vat of my own vomit.

since I'm a substitute teacher, I suppose I'd rather sub a 40 student kindergarten class of 5 and 6 year olds who are all ridden with the stomach flu on a rainy day while I'm blindfolded and have my hands tied behind my back than waste one second of my life listening to anything the orange menace has to say.

so I get that

in a swimsuit is hilarious. I can't bring myself to put one on, much less even look in the mirror to see how truly awful I'd look. I'm many pounds away from even thinkng about it, so your post really hit home. Thanks for that. I needed a good laugh. 😃

we went to Mexico last summer and I had to go buy swimsuits...hit home for me too.

I stole the swimsuit comment from someone on Facebook in a comment section on a news post.
I should have saved that link, because it was better than reading through fake Amazon reviews.

Unfortunately, this scumbag is in office.

I didn't watch the state of the union address. I ended up going to dance class, had a big delicious salad for dinner and then watched a British TV show.

No anesthesia!

I tried, because I wanted to watch Pelosi. As soon as I confirmed she was doing OK, I ran from the consistent stench/cuteness thing Trump was doing. (shudder)

with a cheese grater.

on the lips.

I sat here laughing til my ribs hurt.

You guys are all too funny.

I'll add one my brother gave me : Have a ground glass enema.

and that ain't gonna happen...