What decent lawyer would take him as a client?

But seriously, at this point any lawyers who'd work for him have to be either so arrogant that they actually think they can control him and even save his fat orange ass (and maybe become Attorney General), or so lacking in self-esteem that they are willing to risk their professional reputation and even their law license for a high-profile case. I don't get it at all.

He can't hire a single lawyer who looks like a normal lawyer. They all look like sleeze balls, and if they're female they look like they've had a lot of plastic surgery.

He'd do well to hire a clean cut looking normal lawyer for his criminal defense.

These attorneys are not good at math or business.

That is how it works.