Romney Calls for Deportation of Gays, Women Who Use Contraception

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In a move described by Republican strategists as "going all in" in his effort to grab the conservative mantle from his opponents, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney today took a hard-line position in the so-called "culture wars" by declaring that, as President, he would seek the deportation of openly gay individuals and women suspected of using contraception.

Facing possible defeat in his childhood home state of Michigan, Romney also used the occasion of this announcement to take a swipe at the fiscal history and credentials of his chief rival, Catholic conservative Rick Santorum. Santorum's gain in momentum in recent weeks has, in the view of most experts, made him a serious threat to come from behind and barrel right through the current front-runner.

"While Senator Santorum's views on gay rights and contraception are well documented, so too is his record when it comes to fiscal responsibility and pork-barrel spending in the form of earmarks," Romney told an enthusiastic gathering of supporters at a family get-together. "Under my plan, there would be little or no cost to the American taxpayers. On the other hand, I'll bet anyone here $10,000 that Mr. Santorum would propose incarcerating these offenders in brand-new maximum-security penitentiaries costing billions of dollars to build -- let alone the cost of staffing and maintaining them as well as paying to feed, clothe, and otherwise care for the inmates. On top of that I'll bet you another $10,000 that he would propose these penitentiaries be constructed in his home state of Pennsylvania. The country should expect nothing less from a Washington insider."

When asked to which country or countries he planned to deport offenders under the plan, Gov. Romney responded, "That will have to be determined at a later date -- but I can tell you that I would not favor deportation to Mexico since we still have a lot of family there."

While the White House had no immediate response to this potentially game changing policy shift by the candidate still considered to be President Obama's most likely opponent in the general election, senior staff member Newton Toomey, who spoke on condition of anonymity, commented, "Under Gov. Romney's new plan, I would envision the country emptying out pretty quickly. It would seem inevitable that once all the women who use contraception were deported, it would only be a matter of time before the vast majority of remaining citizens would find they had limited options other than turning to homosexuality."

In other news, shares in Scallion Enterprises, the holding company that owns journalistic stalwart "The Onion" tumbled 42% in early morning trading after reporting an unexpected loss for the quarter ended December 31, 2011. According to Lehman Brothers industry analyst Grant Cartman, "The drop-off in expected revenue can be attributed to elevated expectations due to the Presidential election cycle which were dashed by a GOP Presidential field comprised of candidates so ridiculous as to render satire impossible, or at best, moot."

Tags: contraception culture wars, elction, G.O.P., Gay Rights, Michigan Primary, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum | Category: Political Humor, Politics, Satire