Indiana Gov. Mike Pence Declares Himself a Vegesexual

Linda having a girl's night out on the town. (AP-Derpy McFlerpinderp)

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence Declares Himself a Vegesexual

AP -- In a move that sent shockwaves through the entire US conservative community, Indiana Governor Mike Pence abruptly resigned his office and left the state. In a hastily-assembled press conference, Pence revealed that he was a vegesexual, and has been in a long-term relationship with a cabbage named Linda.

"The truth is this: I love Linda," said Pence. "I want to grow old with Linda and have little cabbages with her. I will be with Linda until she wilts."

The news sent the Religious Right into an all-out meltdown. Glenn Beck demanded that all cabbages everywhere be put to the torch and the sword. "This is what happens," proclaimed Sean Hannity, "when you teach biology in these communist public schools." Pat Robertson, when asked to comment, said, "Purple twelve mailman butter nerf nerf nerf because sideways box chopsticks six elf airplane shoe. Jesus."

Repeated calls to Linda were not returned. Her former co-worker, Bob the cabbage, described Linda as "a pretty basic cabbage, hard-working, dedicated, green," and said Linda's love for the former Indiana governor is impossible to miss. "Whenever Mike walks into the room," said Bob, "Linda just blooms."

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