How to Tell the Difference Between All the Dudes Running for President

Now that 7,000 American men and several drunk farm animals have officially declared their candidacies for President, keeping track of them has never been more confusing or difficult. Luckily, we’ve put together a “cheat sheet” with “quick trivia” to help the political layperson discuss with confidence the nuances of each male candidate’s views and legitimacy. Feel free to use any and all of these in kicky water cooler conversations about politics this summer, and impress your friends!

Jeb Bush

Who? Former Florida governor
Strength: Bilingual, centri$t
Weakness: Once listed himself as “Hispanic” on a voter registration form, which is very silly because he’s a Bush, which is like double the white of the average white. It is an almost-lethal dose of toxic levels of white. He’s Write An Entire Feature Length Screenplay in 12 Hours-levels of white, if you catch my drift.

Scott Walker

Who? Union-busting hot ham enthusiast
Strength: Is married to woman named “Tonette,” which makes him and his wife the couple with the most Wisconsin names in US History.
Weakness: His record as governor of Wisconsin; he is also physically unable to move the top half of his face while speaking which makes him come across like a lying potato.

Rick Perry

Who? Rubber-faced Texan Dick Tracy villain
Strength: New glasses.
Weakness: Pills, numbers.


Fig 1: Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Rick Perry

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