Always mixed feelings for me on this day. Wishing for what could have been. Wondering if I should be more forgiving of the abuse and forget it all. Wishing I could have said the right thing or done the right thing to convince him to get free of the alcoholism.

Mostly sadness so bad I can't help crying.

I'm sorry for what you and your family went through.

I find Soberrecovery.com is a great help for talking about alcoholism family type issues and getting support.

I had two uncles I loved and a father-in-law with my ex-wife that I spent many years of happiness with.

They are all gone now, but they were important to me. Life is short and sometimes brutal, but I didn't post this to be morbid. I'm a Dad who thought Halloween and Christmas with my daughter were just about as good as it got, and I was right.

She's in her mid-30s now, but I hope to hear from her today.

It helps put things into perspective for everyone.

My dad traveled all week and was only home weekends, and not all of those. He always got his steak dinner on Saturday night and his fried chicken on Sunday, two things my mother did well. The rest of his time was spent semi comatose in front of some sports thing on TV, swigging bourbon, after he'd mowed the lawn. He was on a corporate treadmill and he knew it and there just wasn't a whole lot of energy left over for anything else. Besides, in the 50s, it was considered unmanly to be involved in the home in anything but a superficial way.

It took me a long time to understand that.

I think I stirred up more than a few memories here. I'm sorry for and about your father. The corporate treadmill wasn't "cool." It was deadening.

I am close to retirement. Or as I call it after all these years of hard work, Freedom. Please take care of yourself, and enjoy today.

My Dad, who passed on in April, was the best possible Dad and human being, and this is the first Father's Day I've spent when he hasn't been among us.

As to 'manly' Dads in the 50s and 60s, he was as much man as any other, a professional/attorney so not a wrestler, but a kind, thoughtful, loving father, husband, brother, uncle. friend, and coach.

It shows high intelligence when one chooses consciously to be different than their abusive parent(s).

Happy Father's day.

My parents never really wanted children, although I don't think they ever realized that. They just followed along with whatever the society of that day told them they should be doing. It was like, "Well, the great war is over, so what should real Americans be doing now, besides voting for Eisenhower?"

It was with much joy that I left the family "nest" just as soon as I was old enough to be on my own in college; and then in the early years that followed, nothing much was ever said to me about my "responsibility" towards the propagation of our species.

But then, in a few more years, the barrage began to flow in the form of questions about when I was going to fulfill my "responsibility" to keep our family name alive. Finally, one day, I said to them, "I think I would enjoy being a parent almost as much as you did". I am sure they never understood the real meaning of my words.

My older sibling followed in my tracks, but then relented during the period of middle age by bringing unto our tiny planet, two more hungry mouths to feed. His big reward? When our parents died, he got 2/3 or their estate, and I got 1/3. Served me right, it did.

My dad was also brilliant- and we were often told how brilliant he was. He was an anthropologist by training, an inventor and manufacturer. He treated his employees well, his children? Not so much. I still have a scar on my forehead from his smashing my head into a wall for a poor report card. By the time she was 15, one of my sisters had pulled out enough of her hair to have a bald spot the size of a baseball on top of her head. We only ate dinner with my parents on weekends, and when we did , it was a nightmare. Any little infraction at the table met with his wrath- usually directed at my brother. My mother did one good thing- and she was every bit as horrible a parent as he was- she protected my brother by getting him out of my father's way. He was sent to boarding school at age 9 and most vacations he was sent to some camp.

And there was worse, much worse. Yet, from the outside, we surely did look good. Educated, good looking, well off.

Mother's day? fuck it. the old harridan- she refers to most of the world as the hoi polloi, is still playing grande dame. Father's day? I think I've largely forgiven him, but I'm not about to remember him fondly on father's day.

...I can relate to much of your post. The abuse in our household and the general suffocating tone--sounds similar
to what you endured. The dinner table seemed to be a stage for our father to demean all of us, and my brother
got the worst of it as yours did.

I also relate to everything looking great on the outside. My father was a business owner and he made
damn sure that we were at church every Sunday dressed to the nines. We all had to succeed and be successful
at school and at activities--for the sole purpose of propping up the mirage that my father demanded.

My father also treated his employees like gold. My brother used to joke and say, "Our father--treats his
business like a family and his family like a business." Oh how true.

You never know what goes on inside those big houses with the cute kids and the manicured lawns. Often, we
are very lonely and desperate--because we are not allowed to show any weakness or any hint that anything
is ever wrong. We just sat in our shellacked house, being fake and dying inside.

I hope this isn't too depressing. I just wanted you to know that I understand, and I know the heartache and feelings
that come with growing up in a family that looks great on the outside--but is a rotting fish on the inside. Glad you
survived.

(((hugs)))

it sounds like we suffered similar childhoods. I often thought that money was like a gag- it kept the screams stifled in my throat.

The foolish decisions he'd made in his youth. The things he couldn't take back. How very sad.

Sad for those he left behind, too, certainly. But even sadder, somehow, for the one who caused all the pain and anguish. How sad, knowing that you are the one who has caused your own damage and hurt your own children.

Many in that situation, though...the dads I mean...don't decline. They go on to have a better financial life than the unemployed wife with kids left behind. They get new, younger wives, buy nicer things, have nicer houses. That was my case. And it is so often the case, since it was the husband, and not the wife, who had the ability to make a decent income in the prior generation. Once divested of the burden of the early family, he could go on and make more money, and it is easy for men to marry younger, prettier women. Who also work & add to the new family's income.

Oh, well. C'est la vie. We are responsible only for ourselves. We have no control over what others do. Only with how we react to it.

It's okay, BTW, not to forgive, in my book. I did, but I wouldn't have, if he hadn't wanted us to and implied the asking.

It was heartfelt and beautiful.

Happy Fathers Day to You!

Everybody has a story. I'm glad to share mine here at DU. Hope you will, too.

My father was a deadbeat who left my mom with a 3 & 5 yr old. I don't have any real "daddy issues". My mom did an awesome job raising us. This year I am married and I took pleasure in celebrating it with my Father-in-law. He's a great man (albeit a repub lol) who I enjoy being around. Looking forward to the day I am a father myself. Nice post.


And btw, my father is living in Texas. Enjoying his other family and never bothers to acknowledge me. Prolly for the best.

I'm glad you're here.

And thank you too, for your thoughtful post.

I think you'll make an awesome dad...You've learned the bitter lessons your father taught.

A generation or more apart, but congrats to you, and happy Father's Day to your father-in-law. My late one was very left, and absolutely brilliant. He cheated at tennis, though. Wish I could play another game with him. Thanks for the post, and keep it up (posting, that is).

I'm glad you're enjoying your father-in-law -- even though he's a Republican! When our own parents are absent or deficient, many of us are able to connect with and draw support from other relatives or friends -- thank goodness.

My dad died in March 1980 at the ripe old age of 47.

I used to ride my bike for miles to see him at a gas station where he worked part time (else I wouldn't get to see him at all). He took his own life at age 50, 27 years ago.

Life is hard. I will remember you and your father today.

I was his only girl which made me a super daddy's girl

He's everything I'd hoped my kids would have in a father -- I'm grateful every day to see their relationship.

Unfortunately, my father was a typical distant 60's father, most of the time, except when he was mad at us. He enjoyed us as babies, but the older we got, the more we were something to be shaped -- through threats and force, if necessary -- rather than loved and enjoyed. And as the years went by, he felt more and more tied down by us, and blamed us for his being trapped in a marriage to our mother -- although it was really his own fear and shame that trapped him. We were all adults when he finally left her. We stayed connected to him to varying degrees, but when you don't feel loved as a child, it's hard to feel that love as an adult, other than as a duty.

My parents had a traditional, unhappy, mixed-orientation marriage, which is why all of us strongly support marriage equality now.

Thanks for your story, Faygo Kid.

My dad was was self-employed. He worked all the time, and when he wasn't working, he was sleeping. He was a wonderful person, but I just didn't know him very well. I wish he had spent less time working and more time with us kids, but he didn't. He always seemed to be annoyed with me, especially. I left home at 17, married young, and had my own family. He did seem to enjoy his grandkids, though, when we would visit.

When he died, so many people came to the funeral, all with stories about a great guy who I hardly knew. Sad.

I remember the post about your mom.

I have come to believe if we get one good parent we are pretty lucky. Mine was my dad and I'd give anything to be able to see him today.

My mom, haven't seen her in 18 years and yeah, it hasn't been nearly long enough.



Julie

The situation with my father was very much like yours. Lots of mixed feelings on Father's Day.

Thanks for sharing, Faygo Kid.

Clearly, he loved you and recognized how special you were as children. Sadly, it sounds like he was a victim of alcohol addiction and some mental issues. While he lost control of those things and literally lost you (which was the right decision), it appears his love for you never left. Most likely, as time passed, he became so embarassed of his behavior, that he could not face you.

When I was a kid I used to adore and admire my father. I thought he was to smartest man on the planet, and I would do all I could to make him proud of me. I became a musician, rode motorcycles, chased after women. But my father always had his "other family". My step-brothers became his kids, my step-mother was his wife. Due to distance and the circumstances of divorce, I lived with my mother and step-father for most of my life growing up. My father just seemed to give up on wanting me around as the years went by. Perhaps it was the lack of time, schedules, or some passive-aggressive jealousy on the part of my useless step-mother, but my dad pretty much vanished into the forest as time went by. I've tried to stay in touch with him over the years. He has a Facebook page and has friended me, but we rarely post anything to each other.

Just before Obama was elected, I took a trip to see my father. I wanted to take him to the Cleveland Air Show, and I had bought two tickets and a full tank of gas. The day started off well enough, but things were awkward. Two grown men stuck in a car with little to talk about. After awhile, the conversation took an unfortunate turn to politics, and that's where things went to shit. I learned that my father was, and had always been a raving conservative lunatic. When I told him that I was voting for Obama, I thought he was going to drive the car into a telephone pole. He proceeded to tell me how "great and wonderful" Sarah Palin was, and how John McCain was a true military leader, not like that "empty suit" community organizer, socialist Obama, blah blah blah...

Right there, all of the memories of how brilliant my father was were diluted to a vapid, tasteless soup. We tried to make the best of things as the day went on, talking about aircraft, and the amazing achievements of the aviation world. Since then there have been some bitter arguments, and stabs at each other. I've become a man my father doesn't actually like. I work for a State university, and he thinks I'm an "intellectual elitist". I vote democratic, and don't hold back in my criticism of the fascist movement taking over our government now. I guess the saddest part of all of this, is that everything I learned about racism, I learned from him growing up in Cleveland in the 70's. I truly believe that is what drives his utter contempt for the Obama administration. What could he possibly hope to gain by voting for Romney in November as his intentions clearly state from his FB rantings? He survives but for the grace of social security and medicare. This "brilliant" man, would vote himself into the poor house just to make sure Obama doesn't serve a second term.

I know that he's getting very old, and very worn out. People tell me that I should make amends with him before it's too late. I've tried. I've called him a few times to see how he's doing, and for the most part, the conversations are cordial. But I know that someday soon, I'm going to get the call. Most likely it will come from my sister, that dad has passed away. I just want to remember how he used to be, how I used to see him through the eye's of a child that knew little about the world of politics and cared even less. Happy Fathers Day Pop. I realize what a disappointment my many successes in life have turned out to be for you, but I love you any way...