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China Banned from Sochi Olympics After Figure Skater Tests Positive for Homosexuality
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MOSCOW — The Sochi Winter Olympic Committee announced Thursday that it would ban the entire Chinese Olympic figure skating team from competition after Chinese skater Li Chunguang tested positive for homosexuality in a routine anti-doping test.
The Russian Ministry of Health lists homosexuality both as an infectious disease and as a performance-enhancing drug, especially in what the government defines as “gay sports”—figure skating, ice dancing and male synchronized diving, among others.
During their tests, Russian anti-doping officials found that Li “had a blood-homosexuality level of over 70%,” well over the acceptable limit. Several homosexuality-enhancing drugs were found in Li’s blood, including homofil, queeritol, sodorex and bendadrine. Several of Li’s teammates also had blood-homosexuality levels higher than normal.
“It is safe to assume he has spread his condition to his fellow athletes,” said one health official.
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...of satire only sites - right there between Borowitz and Onion.
About
The Ministry of Harmony (Miniharm) is dedicated to spreading the harmony enjoyed by the subjects of the People’s Republic of China to the world, whether you like it or not.
In accordance with state soft power mandates, Miniharm offers pure, uncut truth that has been carefully screened by the relevant departments within the propaganda apparatus. Our motto is: “All the news that has been deemed fit to print.”
The Ministry of Harmony (Miniharm) is dedicated to spreading the harmony enjoyed by the subjects of the People’s Republic of China to the world, whether you like it or not.
In accordance with state soft power mandates, Miniharm offers pure, uncut truth that has been carefully screened by the relevant departments within the propaganda apparatus. Our motto is: “All the news that has been deemed fit to print.”
I found this one rather humorous: China Gifts Japan Giant Wooden Horse, Withdraws from South China Sea:
TOKYO — In an apparent easing of tensions, the People’s Liberation Army has presented the nation of Japan with a giant wooden horse in honor of Chinese New Year.
The mysterious sculpture was found abandoned on the disputed Senkaku/Diaoyu Islands just days before the Year of the Horse, and though the PLA has not officially commented on the offering, Chinese naval ships were seen withdrawing from the contested waters, ostensibly sailing back to the coast of mainland China.
According to sources, the equine stands nearly six meters tall, ten meters long and is engraved with the phrase, “For their return home, the Chinese dedicate this offering to Emperor Akihito.”
<snip>
“It is clear the Chinese have ended their policy of brinkmanship and given up their claim to the Senkakus,” said Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Some sense a conspiracy, but I believe there is no need to look this gift horse in the mouth.”
The mysterious sculpture was found abandoned on the disputed Senkaku/Diaoyu Islands just days before the Year of the Horse, and though the PLA has not officially commented on the offering, Chinese naval ships were seen withdrawing from the contested waters, ostensibly sailing back to the coast of mainland China.
According to sources, the equine stands nearly six meters tall, ten meters long and is engraved with the phrase, “For their return home, the Chinese dedicate this offering to Emperor Akihito.”
<snip>
“It is clear the Chinese have ended their policy of brinkmanship and given up their claim to the Senkakus,” said Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Some sense a conspiracy, but I believe there is no need to look this gift horse in the mouth.”
