Henny Youngman joke!!!

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

This Cranberry Walks into a Bar

This Peanut Walks into a Bar

You get the idea

The woman ducked

He notices the SOTU address playing on the TV.

The guy walks out of the bar.

(because that's what Shitler should do)

the bartender says, "Where'd you get him?"
The frog answers, "Brooklyn, there's hundreds of 'em"

Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

and says, 'Where's the bartender?'

It took me years to get this.

My brother-in-law told it, and I didn't want to ask. I was doing dishes about 5 years later, and thought about it, light bulb. lol

My husband loved making puns and I laughed a lot

and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

sits down and the bartender notices the pirate has a steering wheel in his lap and asks, "Say, what's that for?"
The pirate replies, "Arghh! I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

the bartender says "Get out, we don't serve your kind here"
The string walks outside and frizzes up the top of his head and bends himself into a pretzel shape and walks back in
The bartender is suspicious and says "Heyyy, aren't you that string that was just in here?"
and the string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

The bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar.


I thought it was funny.

and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "because the President is a stupid, lying, racist, evil, child-raping son-of-a-bitch!...and it make me so sad I just want to die!"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

😂

Bartender raises one finger and says....ahh excuse me one moment, I'll be right back.

Bartender goes back into the kitchen and says...hey you guys, come out here and look at this...there's a pony at the bar, and he's hung like a horse.

well, heck, you invited me!

"Sorry, we don't serve shoplifters!"

"We don't serve child rapists!"

It was tense.

The bartender says “Get out, we don’t serve your type.”

A swinger couple spots them. One says, “Ooh, I love dominants! That one’s mine.” The other swinger says, “I’m going for the one who swings both ways — the subdominant.”

Last edited Sun Feb 10, 2019, 05:17 PM - Edit history (1)

I was waiting to see if he would post it here, since he did post it the last time I asked about "walks into a bar jokes" (back in November).



A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Last edited Mon Feb 11, 2019, 08:56 PM - Edit history (1)

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man "I want a cheese sandwich."

...'dude, I'm havin' trippin' deja-vu, right now!'

"...how much for a drink?"

The bartender looks her over and says, for you, "no charge."

Heisenberg says, this is obviously a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?
Goedel says, "We're in the joke, so we can never know if it's funny or not.
Chomsky says, Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong!"

called the Black Hole. Einstein said who cares, bars are all relative.

The bartender throws them out.

He knew they lacked any control.

He leaves right away.

The place had no atmosphere.

The bartender says, "We don't see very many parasites here."

The parasite says, "It's easy to see why. You're not a very good host."

There's no time to tell the punchline.

Hey bartender, gimme a beer and a mop.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?"

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Bartender says, sorry you have to leave. We don't serve food here

They all got concussions and went into comas.

While he gets a drink, the monkey jumps up in the bar and eats all the peanuts there, then grabs the food left on another customer's plate and eats that, then he jumps up on the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender is tripping out and says "Dude, did you see what your monkey just did?!?"

But the guy is just nonchalant and says "meh, he eats everything he can get his hands on" and the man gulps down his drink and leaves with the monkey.


A week later the guy comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey jumps up on the bar and starts putting a peanut up his butt. The bartender is upset "OMG look what your monkeys doing now!!"

The guy says "meh, he still eats everything he can get his hands on, but after that cue ball he tests everything first"

And a table
And a door
And a staircase

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says:
"So, do I come here often?"