Make me one with everything.

Then the vendor hands him his hot dog and the Dalai Lama gives him a $20 bill. He says to the vendor, "How about my change?" The vendor says, "Change comes from within."

Love that. Thanks!

Have a heart.

It could happen ya know!

and not only because I have a son who's an engineer and another one who's a computer tech! Both of whom will be getting a copy of your joke in their Inboxes!

Now, if only there was a Chemist in the joke for my third son ....

you trying to get a reaction or something?

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.

I also had a T-Shirt in College that Chemists would like. It was black with white lettering and read; "Calculus - the Agony and DX/DC"

Q: Why did the farmer name his rooster Robinson?

A: Because he crew so.

Q: Why did the farmer name his donkey Maxwelton?

A: Because his brays were bonny.

An optimist sees the glass as being half full, a pessimist sees the glass as being half empty, and an engineer concludes that the glass is exactly twice the size it needs to be.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

And they come up on this 3-some playing EXCRUCIATINGLY slow. They get the attention of the Ranger and plead with him to hurry them up or let them play through.

"Now, wait just a second, fellas. Those 3 guys are local firefighters who saved the clubhouse from burning to the ground last Spring. They went blind during the fire, so we let them play for free, We ask your patience. You can pass them at the turn.

Upon hearing this, the doctor pipes up...."Oh! I am so sorry. I had no idea! I have several friends that are top notch Ophthalmologists. I'll get in touch with them and see if there is anything they can do.

The lawyer says..."Oh my! I am so sorry! I'll get the members of my Bar association to set up a fund for these guys. No one should have to suffer like this after such heroics."

The engineer says....




"Why can't they just play at night?"

You beat me to it. Darn.

It's my favorite joke, because I have a son who is essentially an engineer (currently getting his PhD in astronomy) and when I told him that joke several years ago he simply looked puzzled. Clearly he thought that it made most sense for them to play at night.

I like it cause I used to play at a lighted course!
And I like to think I have an engineers mind.
Either way, it's funny!

The cop asked for her driver's license. He looks at it and says, "Lady, you're supposed to be wearing glasses." She says, "I have contacts." The cop says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Ireland's. Every year it's Dublin!

it's a very sad day for me today. I found my pet mouse 'Elvis' dead this morning. He was caught in a trap...

and there wasn't a peanut butter and banana sandwich nearby.


I don't think I could live.

The bathroom floor.

Ouch! Too soon?

who didn't believe in his dog?

Scientists have named them Europeans.

When I woke up, I was exhausted.



I'll be here all week, folks.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Here's one I can tell my 95 year old Aunt.

Thing is, she would have a better punchline, and it would be naughty as fuck!

It gets toad away.

a naughty strawberry

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green.

Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green." He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green.

Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/golfjokes/golfwithwifejokes.html

My parents were both golfers, and I heard this from my Father years ago.

He urgently calls down to his disciple, John, "John! John!"

John quickly runs to the base of the cross to hear what the Lord has to say, "yes, my Lord! I'm here!"

But he can only hear Jesus cry out his name. He finds a ladder and climbs it anxiously anticipating some pearl of wisdom. He reaches Jesus and puts his ear against Jesus' mouth to hear His words, "Yes, my Lord! What do you have to tell me?"

John waits in anticipation as Jesus licks his dry lips and takes a deep breath to speak, "John! I can see your house from here!"

Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.

Three, one to hold the bulb in the ceiling socket, and two to drink until the room spins.

A receding hare line.

...and hit an oncoming truck, and all are tragically killed. People came from miles around to see the quack-up.

Charter a plane
Arrive at destination
During their stay they bag 6 moose. They call for the plane t return home with their prizes
Pilot sees the moose and tells them, "The plane can only carry xxx number of pounds. You can only bring back 4 moose".
Rednecks complain,
"The last time we did this the pilot allowed us to take back 6 moose! Same darn plane as yours!"
Pilot thinks about it. Shrugs his shoulders and allows them to fill the plane.
After takeoff, flying for a bit, attempted to gain altitude to cross mountain
Cannot get high enough.
Crash!!
Rednecks survive the crash
Begin to look around
One says, "Where you reckon we are?"
The other says, "Around the same place we came down last year."

Good one!

One of them collapses and his friend calls 911. He tells the operator, "My friend collapsed and I think he's dead!" The operator says, "Are you sure?" The guy says, "Wait a minute." A second later, the operator hears a shot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "Yes, I'm sure."

"Book".

The librarian doesn't know what to think, but she hands a book to the chicken. The chicken stuffs the book under her wing and struts out the door.

A few minutes later, the same chicken comes back into the library and says to the librarian, "Book, book."

The librarian thinks this is interesting, so she gives the chicken two more books. The chicken sticks a book under each wing and struts out the door.

Half an hour later, the same chicken appears before the librarian and says, "Book, book, book."

The librarian is flabbergasted. Is this chicken reading all these books? This time, the chicken receives three books, but the librarian follows her out. The librarian wants to know what is happening to all those books.

The chicken leads her out the door, behind the library, down a grassy slope to a little stream. There is a frog sitting there next to a pile of books. The chicken deposits the three new books beside the frog. The frog opens the first book, says, "Readit, readit", and tosses it aside.