For those few executives among you who have never yet used the Ear Reduction Company

Last edited Fri Feb 15, 2019, 08:39 PM - Edit history (1)

My wife was going though some old papers from our various ancestors, and came across two very different documents from my two grandfathers.

One, my dad's father, was an academic and intellectual. Born to a poor tailor in Charleston, South Carolina, he worked his way through Harvard as a janitor, and ended up as Deputy Mayor of New York City and then on the NY State Supreme Court. His document was the notes for a long speech he gave on Free Speech--in September of 1951, the McCarthy era, it was a daring speech to give, to say the least. This is for another time.

My mom's dad was the grandson of deadbeat Mississippi riverboat gamblers who fled to the anonymity of NYC to escape gambling debts. He survived the Great Depression by chaperoning other families' kids to their schools and back for a few dimes a day. He survived by keeping both his wits and his wit, and that wit eventually landed him a job with a Madison Avenue Advertising agency.

It is rather obvious to us that he composed this, himself, and had it sent to himself at his office, where the receptionist must have either laughed in hysterics or blushed in shame (we have no idea if he/she got the joke). Here, therefore is the (very earnest) proposal of the Ear Reduction Company:

EAR REDUCTION COMPANY
52 VANDERBILT AVENUE, NEW YORK 17, N.Y.

August 10th, 1954
Dear (DFW’s Grandfather),

While some people might consider this an intimate matter, it has been our experience that successful business men, without exception, have welcomed our service.

We have before us your picture which appeared in TIDE, and our Board of Review has passed on it as a portrait of a handsome man – with one exception – the ears.

Obviously, if your photo is to appear in advertising trade journals, and if you are to make the most of yourself before other big executives, you will want this matter attended to.

The Ear Reduction Company will guarantee to set your ears, both in and back, pleasantly and without hospitalization.

This can be done in your office, or at home, even in your automobile, by one of our graduate nurses.

Our standard charge for a right ear is $72.50, but out phrenologist, in your case, because of certain abnormalities, will have to charge $84.50. The left ear we will do for $37.50.

This includes setting in, trimming, tinting and shaping to the head so that the ear will conform to attractive standards, even with a Terminal hair-cut.

For an additional fee of $7.50 each, we will tattoo a “Y” in genuine Yale Blue or an “L” in Lafayette Maroon on one lobe, or both…..or you may elect your own decoration. However, Notre Dame insignia and many other attractive designs come quite a bit higher.

In closing, Mr. (DFW’s Grandfather), we ask – in view of future planning – can you afford to pass up this simple operation which has helped such men as Fairless of United States Steel, Young of the New York Central, Sloan of General Motors, Watson of I.B.M., and a host of other leaders who have made Democracy what it is?

Our representative will call at your convenience.

Very truly yours,
EAR REDUCTION COMPANY
Ears R R Business R Only Business