I just saved you a ton of money. No need to thank me.

I've found the best thing on the internet. Or anywhere.

That means...once you listen to this, you can get rid of your internet. You won't find anything better than this. This is the last item, on the last page of the internet. Your search is over.

You can also stop buying all of that stupid material shit that you are using to fill an emotional void. You will be fulfilled after to listening to this, because it answers all of those existential questions that you have been wrestling with.Your heart will be filled with joy, as mine is. No more Amazon, no more Facebook. If you still want to use DU, go to the library. It's free.

So crank this up, listen to the whole thing, call your internet company and cancel your service, get rid of all of your dumbass material shit, and start living your life, you loosers. Punks.

Oh, and stop believing that you need to lease a new car every three years because they now become obsolete faster due to all of the new technology they keep foisting on you. The car companies could probably run a prime time commercial during the Christmas season which tells you that you need to buy the latest GMC SUV because the newest models have a tuba attached to the dashboard, and you morans would eat that shit up like candy. Don't lease a matching new car for your wife, either. It won't compensate for the fact that you don't satisfy her in the bedroom, and she'll still be eyeing up that guy digging up the busted water main on your street while driving by in the new car that YOU are paying for.

Finally, those Pelaton things or whatever they are called, do some goddamn push-ups instead while looking out of your $46,000/month NYC penthouse window. You don't need some personal trainer on a computer screen to tell you how many push-ups to do. Just do all of the push-ups.

Punks.

With much love,
#fonzieisahoax
#fakenewsfonzie
#fonzieisnotexonerated
#fuckyoufonz
#yomamafonzie
#iknowyouareherearthur