Pretty Punny Puns

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> You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.
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> It's your own asphalt
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> I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
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> It's all about raisin awareness.
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> I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken.
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> One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
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> If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.
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> Now that's humerus.
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> I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
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> Now I have Heinzsight.
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> Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
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> Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers.
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> A crow has 16.
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> So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
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> I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
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> I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!"
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> The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.
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> I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
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> I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
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> Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth.
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> Then it's a soap opera.
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> The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song ...
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> But the chick peas can only hummus one.
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> Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court...
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> It was a brief case.
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> How much does a chimney cost?
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> Nothing, it's on the house.
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> My friend said she wouldn't eat cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth.
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> I gave her an egg.
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> Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves.
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> Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
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> My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
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> That's right...Jack and the beans talk.
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> I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
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> You probably have not heard of herbivore.
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> I was struggling to understand how lightning works ...
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> And then it struck me.
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> Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker.
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> That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
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> I went to the paint store to get thinner.
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> It didn't work.
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