humorous quips on life and/or parenting

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My daughter told her friends that her dad is so old he grew up in the late 1900s and y’all I just can’t.

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FINALLY, the Facebook algorithm gets me

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New rival dad is moving in next door today. So I sat outside with a beer and shouted out helpful advice like, "lift with your legs not your back" and "if you lifted weights you might be able to move that".

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today my daughter enters a new phase of life as i bestow upon her the knowledge of friendship bracelet making

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At my parents house:
10: Mom can you get me a snack that’s not expired?

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I hate that the song stuck in my head is about a diabetes medication.

(a reply by at willcookart: I was noodling on the guitar over the weekend- pretty unaware of what I was playing. My GF walked in, looked at me and said, "Is that the f*king Jardiance commercial??"

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My husband planted grass seed on Sunday, so my apologies for the blizzard we’re now obviously gonna get

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11: what do you mean I can't have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off - get out of my house.

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Welcome to your 40s. You now enjoy sitting on your patio for no reason. It's your greatest joy now.

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Hey ya'll, if anyone needs anything, my kid officially knows everything.

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At work I was referred to as an
“older woman”
just bury me I guess, I’m practically a corpse.

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Taking tomorrow off, so if you need me, I'll be in a deep meditative state at Target

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I have eaten all the candy, so my kids will open their Easter eggs to find Heinz ketchup packets

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for just 1 second, remember that we have someone dress up as a furry in the middle of a mall and we make our kids sit with this strange man-bunny and then tell the kids that this person-rabbit is going to break into our house and leave them candy

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Filet-O-Fish? Absolutely, I love Irish food.

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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

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You reach peak adulting when you have a favorite gas station in town.

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I made a playlist for when I go running.

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The perfect Easter gift doesn’t exi-