GOP: We lied, Obama is a good president

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- The besieged nation's capital was shocked to its very core today when the ruling Republican Party admitted they'd been lying about the president all these years.

"We can't hold it back any longer," said John Smith, press secretary to Rep. Tim Huelscamp (R-KS). "Obama's been a good president. The economy is growing. People are finding jobs. He isn't confiscating guns or raising taxes to new heights - your tax bill isn't shooting through the roof but you're still free to. Banks aren't failing anymore. We're about to have a pretty decent nuclear accord with Iran. The Constitution is still intact. In all, he's done a really nice job especially when you consider we fight him every step of the way."

So why did they do what they did?

"Jealousy. Pure and simple. I mean, look at the guy! The whole world loves him. He's from Hawaii, for God's sake! Is that fair? He's still married to the same woman and she's still gorgeous. His kids aren't a national embarrassment. He got rich through talent and hard work and not connections and inheritances. He's everything we want to be but can't, so naturally we have to do everything in our power to destroy him. We're Republicans. It's what we do."

But when we asked him if they'd stop ripping on Obama, it took him fifteen minutes to quit laughing. "You're either stupid or high. Cutting Down Obama is the biggest gravy train in America and there's no way we'll let it go. Our only regret is, on January 19, 2017, we all have to get real jobs."