Sometimes when you can’t change it, you have to let it go

wonderful husband. But my past will always be there and there is no way to get rid of that thought.

Just close your eyes and look/watch for where you next thought will come from.

It will immediately calm you because you stop thinking.

I wish the very best for you.

Some people raised by malignant narcissists unconsciously seek out a spouse with the same features.

Good for you that you were too smart to do that.

Given your age, I imagine your mother doesn't have many years left. You WILL be free when she dies. You will NOT have to drag her along with you even after she's gone.

My narcissistic parent died some years ago, and I will tell you, it was freeing. It can be for you, too.

what he would do. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic. and my sister is mental delayed and prone to anger issues. I am tlo take care of the house and my siblings when she dies.

is to yourself and your son. Please keep reminding yourself of that.

It all sounds so hostile and horrible.

Happy belated Birthday to you!

yeah I know she is family but ENOUGH already

I ENLISTED to move far away from home.....

wanted me to stay home and help. I left. When I moved to teach in Philadelphia, she called me and told me she was going to kill herself. I called the local (Pittsburgh area) police. I try, I really do. I have gone no contact. I love her not from love but fear.

I had an unstable mum too.....I moved FAR away and just kept a long-distance relationship, and that was enough.....

your mum is likely Borderline Personality, VERY hard to deal with

he loved me more than he loved her. My father never sexually abused me, but my grandmother(mother's mom) did. My mother's response--she was peculiar. She has always gaslighted me and still does. When I explain the facts, that's when she calls me every name in the book. She never did wished me a happy birthday, the conversation was all about her. Like it always is. Mom, I am 32, thought I was pregnant and took test, Mom, they told me I am going through menopause. Mother--what do you want me to do about it? Slam of phone.
I cried.

you cannot change that, all you can do is try to not let it get to you so badly and yes I know how hard this is - when I was a kid I didn't bring friends home because I knew she was not like other mothers

it's very likely that your grandmother also abused your mother. Doesn't change the fact that your mother is a difficult, abusive person, but it might help you in coping to know where it comes from.

Detachment from toxic people is a good thing. It doesn't mean totally shutting them out of your life, although that is an option. Detachment can mean minimal contact, which you have already established. Kudos for doing that.

Another part of detachment is to maintain emotional boundaries and the ability to care about her from your side of the boundary, without crossing over it into getting caught up in her emotional manipulations. Not easy to do, but possible and necessary for your own well being. You cannot control what she says and does, but you can control how you react emotionally, how you feel about what she says and does. You can train yourself to stop feeling guilt, anxiety, pain, etc. as a reaction to her. Let your thoughts and feelings go to a better place in response to her toxic space. Remind yourself of these things: "That's her life, not mine." "Sad that she's not happy, but I choose to be happy."

When not in touch with her and the negative memories and feelings about her toxicity pop into you mind, let go and say to yourself, "That's her life, not mine anymore. I choose my own path." Maybe it would help to have a peaceful, happy mental picture of something or someone that you care about that you can turn to as an alternative to negative memories and feelings. Perhaps it could be a mental picture of yourself at a happy moment in your life to reinforce that your path and choices are your own and not hers. Being unhappy yourself will not help her in any way or make her into a different person. So why shouldn't at least one of you be happy?

Hang in there and hang onto your own life and peace. You deserve it.

Happy birthday.

Know that your DU family is here for you.

An old adage: Your friends are god's way of apologizing for your relatives.

And please remember that you always have family here...

belated birthday debm55. I wish you peace of mind, may your heart learn to let go of the pain. May your days be filled with light and joy.

Each time she calls, you should tell her if she doesn't have anything nice to say, you don't want to talk to her. It is affecting your health. It's not about love. You still love her, but you love yourself, too. Have a lovely day. Bye bye.

It takes a long time to realize that people can't abuse you unless you let them. Maybe you feel like you need to be punished for some reason. Ask yourself that question and give yourself an honest answer.

Many times you will see it is the other person projecting onto you their own faults. Then take a deep breath. It is freeing when you see the truth.

I’m really sorry about that nasty phone call. None of that was okay and none of it was your fault. Staying in relationship with a narcissist is impossible. Once you see them for what they are, you can’t unsee it.

Forgive my question…but I wonder if your mom isn’t a borderline personality in addition to a narcissist? Your description of the phone call made my chest tighten. My mother was a borderline. Probably a narcissist too but whatever. My mom died in 2009. I never severed my relationship with her but I severely limited our contact. The night I made that decision, I was 40 years old, in labor with my son and my mom showed up at the hospital bombed out of her mind. How she even drove there I don’t know. She was off the rails and made a one woman show of herself. My husband had to leave my side to deal with her and someone, I don’t even know who, drove her drunk ass home.

The next day when she and my dad came to see my infant son, she told me that she was sorry I had a boy and that Sophie, my sister’s daughter, would always be her favorite. It was that moment when I said “no more.” I did what I had to for her over the next 4 years and not one thing more. When she took her last breath I was there at her side but I wasn’t sad. I was exhausted but I didn’t shed a tear.

I believe you will find your way forward with your mom…everyone dealing with a narcissist is on a different path. These people aren’t capable of love and compassion. YOU, however have a right to surround yourself with all the love and compassion available to you. There’s tons of it here on DU.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m sorry your birthday was marred by someone who can’t celebrate you because you are deserving.

They understand now that the symptoms of the various disorders overlap so much that there is little point to trying to sort them out into separate categories.

So someone could easily be diagnosed with features of borderline and narcissistic personality.

a belated Happy Birthday! Take care.

is very difficult to deal with. You were a saint it sounds like, but the abuse you endured is INEXCUSABLE. I hope you find some solace in support groups and a new therapist now instead of 7 fucking months from now. Mental health care in US is currently flying by the seat of its pants. So much need and so few "providers." Go on-line to support groups for abusive relationships. It's free, anonymous and you can attend meetings all over the world. Pick a city or even country.
All the best and keep us posted, OK?

Your strength and empathy are absolutely amazing. I hope you understand that you have every reason to feel so good about who you are and who you will be. Happy birthday debm55!

I wanted to be a source for kids who had a background like mine. Sometimes in my posts in the Lounge. I do try to be the person I really am. I want people to love themselves --just as I did for 40 some years in teaching.

And I totally understand this: "I love her not from love but fear."

That isn't love. That is only fear disguised as love.

Here's how I HOPE you can get out from under that burden and cut your ties with her for the sake of your own health.

There are only two people you owe anything to at this point: yourself and your SON. For your son's sake, you need to relieve yourself of any guilt for the no-contact with your mother (and anyone else in that family who hurts you). You are doing exactly the right thing. And maybe you should extend the no contact to birthdays and holidays.

If you haven't already, let yourself feel the full force of your anger toward her, and your grief for the loving, stable mother you didn't have. The more you allow yourself to feel your own loss, the more you will be freeing yourself up to love your son.

I hope that your own finances are in good enough shape that you don't need to maintain a relationship with a toxic mother in order to receive an inheritance. I can understand why that could be a consideration, but I hope it doesn't have to be in your case.

All best wishes, debm55.

... once by jumping out of a moving car but it's rarely been an instant improvement.

My crazy grandma could say the meanest, most horrible things imaginable. It was almost like her superpower. Eventually she had to be removed from her home, a danger to herself and others. Half of her neighbors loved her, half were terrified of her. No "assisted living" place would keep her long so she'd end up living with my parents.

One year I was home from college for Thanksgiving when my grandma turned it on, mostly directed at my mom. I fled. That was followed by the worst weekend of my life. I was sharing a crappy student apartment with a bunch of other guys who'd gone home for the holiday so I was there alone. First the Jehovah's Witnesses came by looking to save lost souls. I have a history with them. My mom was a Jehovah's Witness (no birthday celebrations) until she got kicked out when I was in grade school.

Then some young woman my good Christian roommate knew from his church (and I knew as an acquaintance) came knocking at the door drunk and filthy having vomited all over herself and I led her to the bath. She was in there too long, wasn't answering, so I forced the door and it was immediately apparent she'd been trying to kill herself. She was the first naked woman I ever touched, to see if she was still alive. I'd had some first aid training. (My own girlfriend at the time eventually married her, but that's another story... If I was a catalyst for that it was a positive thing. These days you see Lesbian brides on Say Yes to the Dress, that wasn't the case then.)

While I was still sorting all that out in my head I got in a bad car wreck. Then I was "asked" to take a time out from school for fighting with a teaching assistant...

At my lowest point I was a crazy guy living in his car in a church parking lot and dumpster diving for food. The ultimate in breaking free, I suppose.

Currently I'm "between doctors." The wait times to get proper mental health care in the U.S.A. are disturbing and not something anyone should suffer in a presumably "first world" nation.

I'm not sure where I'm going here. If you receive a box of crazy on your doorstep, from the dark closets of your own mind or from someone else, you have to deal with it as best you can, or even refuse delivery, but you can't let it knife you in the heart.

I have no idea how to accomplish that. It's always messy, but I'm still here.

Happy Birthday!

In my life and in my family I've seen two outcomes from this sort of thing.

One is to embrace the ugliness, and the other is to be sure to walk toward the places where the ugly things don't go.

My grandfather held a hot iron over my grandmother's face after mercilessly beating her, threatening to burn her face off.

My father found him, pulled him off, and kicked him down the stairs, telling him never to return, which he didn't. (Six months later my grandfather was dead.)

My father made sure to be all the things his father wasn't; he was a wonderful father, an outstanding husband to two wives, the first of whom, my mother, died in horrible suffering which he did everything in his power to address. I was in awe of him. (My 95 year old step mother still talks about how much she loved him, 30 years after his death.)

You have a husband; a son in need.

You clearly didn't embrace the ugliness. You went the other way.

Continue to be as beautiful as you are; put it away; it really isn't you; it's what you decided, wisely, not to be.

Hugs. I hope you do the thing that is best for you. None of her problems are your fault, or your responsibility.

I had a mother that was difficult to deal with my entire life. She was a smothering critic. I call her the unpleasable mother, as she made me feel that I was not measuring up to her standards, whatever they were. So I understand what you are going through.

There are two books that I have read that I think you could benefit from. They are not current, but both are still relevant in dealing with difficult people. The first is a book about difficult parents: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. She has also written other books dealing with difficult parents (Emotional Blackmail).

The second book is excellent and gave me alot of insight and clarity into the dynamic between mothers and daughters. That book is: When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends by Victoria Secunda.

You probably can find both on Amazon.com

I had the opportunity to get some professional help with an excellent MSW (Master in Social Work) who was very helpful in guiding me to work through my difficult relationship with my mother.

In reading your post, it appears to me that your mother is so emotionally damaged that there is no way to communicate with her. In my case, once I realized what the problems were, I minimized the amount of time that I spent with my mother. My mental health demanded that I distance myself from her in order to heal from the emotional damage she inflicted on me. You may want to consider this course of action with your mother to save your sanity.

Keep us posted on what you do and good luck.