I did the same as you with the phone and had not talked to either of my parents for ten years.

I'm guessing that your mother is older; could she be suffering from dementia? That wouldn't excuse the behavior of your other relatives, of course; they sound like they're all stuck in whatever your mother's mental situation is and are just enabling her. But whatever the problem is, it shouldn't be yours. Take care of yourself and walk away.

stealing my father's love from her as a baby and she never got it back. Sick isn't it I am also to provide and pay for the house taxes and take care of brother and sister--food, utilities , etc. upon her death.

So don’t expect her to ever be what you want her to be. It’s not going to happen. Walk away and give yourself a chance at the happier life you deserve.

This world is very sick.

When I In counter any drama, I look at my watch and say I’m late, I gotta go. I then leave. Ignoring is a strategy.
Wishing you the best and happiness.

... smacking all my children around, none of the other kids have a clue about what they're talking about. My eldest said I stopped swats when they were 2 or 3 and never screamed at them or laid hands on them, but the ex used mixing spoons on them and screamed at them how much she hated them. She was thrown out of family therapy sessions and was escorted by police out of the hospital where my eldest was after a suicide attempt with Tylenol.

Our biggest arguments were over hitting the kids into their late teens. They've been cut off by the other kids. I will never cut the youngest off though she has cut me off. She insists her mother never hit her, she insists I grabbed her and the eldest by throats. I cannot even figure that one out.

It's just not what I needed going into an imminent third cancer surgery.

Something's going around.

I hope you are able to keep them from stealing your joy.

If you don’t, I would suggest a deep dive.

Your mother's name and number did not show up? She must have dialed *67 to hide her name and number. That's manipulative in and of itself.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with that your entire life. I know it's easy for us to say cut them out of your life. I know that can be really hard too. Your support network most likely intersects with their support network to some extent. And you know they will try to paint you in the worst possible light.

All you can do is know that people will eventually recognize the truth. It's going to be frustrating until they do. If I'm not clear, I'm saying the people that you mutually have contact with are going to be poisoned by your mother's words and actions. But eventually those people will recognize the truth. And if any of them don't recognize the truth, how good of a support are they anyway?

There is another setting you can add that rejects their attempt to hide the number, they'll get a robot saying something and they have to agree to unhide or the call doesn't go through.

Anonymous Call Rejection & Anonymous Call Block
*77 starts it
*87 stops it

If you don’t recognize a number or there is no number showing don’t pick up. If somehow they use another’s phone as soon as you hear their voice hang up. You are now in charge!

You may want to disengage and stop answering your phone. It is hard to have family troubles. Take care of yourself.

to listen to their crap. If you hear their voice on the other end just hang it up. If you can be firm about not interacting with them, it won't take long for you to feel such relief, and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Put yourself first.

My mother said hateful things to me in front of my brothers and sisters. She had been chronically ill and I had come into town to provide some relief care for every other week for over a year or so. After me telling my sibs how hateful she was they never accepted it. They had to hear it to believe it. It was painful.
I picked up my bags and left. It took a couple of months of being gone for me to even process it all.

It changed my relationship with her forever. Even after she passed it stung.
I have accepted that she was ill and lashing out because I was a safe target. (Not that safe as it turned out)
Give yourself some time to decide

hell. the house is so smelly , We would need a hazmat suit to enter. I wish I would visit when my dad was alive I couldn't stand the flies, smell and screaming at my day. He laid in bed for 5 years and was mistread. I offered to pay for a caregiver, and called Allegheny County Elder care. but nothing was done.

But there are times that you must take care of your own mental health and no one needs to be treated as you are being treated.

Cut 'em off - - phone, mail, email, texts, visits. Yes, it will hurt but hurt will fade and you will no longer lose sleep. You may even not need meds any longer.

I know. I been there.

and the toxicity of family members who behave in this way gets magnified at times like funerals. Yes unfortunately I know from experience how that can go. I had an aunt who was this way and failed to come to her brother's (my Dad) funeral because she claimed she twisted her ankle. People in wheelchairs come to funerals. Years later she and her daughter swore up and down that she was there. When my mother was to be buried, my sister sent word through the estate attorney that she would not attend because she "hurt her ankle". We will not speak again. Some things in life and some people we have to let go from our lives.

When I first heard the phrase "you would be better off thinking of yourself as an orphan" I had no idea what that meant. Many years later I do know. It is not easy to let go to that extent but it is sometimes better for us. If situations were going to change or improve they would have after awhile. But when it goes on for years to them you are just like the ball on the end of a string for someone to bat around and come springing back. The worst of it is also that the longer we hang in there with them it requires our spouses etc. to have it affect them also and that ends up taking from the happiness for both of you.

Good luck to you debm55 I enjoy your posts and can tell you are a caring person.

for saying that. kiss at bedtime when I asked., not one picture of me, husband or son in their house.Funeral was the straw that broke the camel's back, finally. Stories switched from it being their fault to it being mine. Incident at funeral either not happened or was fault for being thin skinned. and a baby to having hallucinations.

Grey Rock or "grey rocking". The google has lots of info and groups explaining it, better than I could. It is about pulling yourself out or away from this kind of treatment. Most of the people in these groups have experience with being treated with abuse and how to back away from their abusers. They can help with ways to deal with many different abuse patterns and the abusers ploys.
Here's wishing you a better and happier new year.

I am happy to hear from you with your many posts. They are always enjoyable. I love you and think you’re great! Keep doing you debm55.

Maybe not on their end, but definitely on your end. It’s difficult and draining, but the power you give yourself will be your reward.

Step 1 is deciding you are worth saving and deciding you will be your own advocate.Step 2 is deciding you are going to put an end to the abuse. No more phone calls, letters, emails. No more hours wasted on thinking about what you can do to change yourself enough so that you get the love from them you deserve. It’s really a conscious decision, this notion that you want to save yourself and get on a different path.

It’s devastating to be the person in a family who is singled out for abuse, be it physical, emotional, sexual. It’s heartbreaking. It’s life changing. As long as you see a glimmer of hope for yourself, a speck of courage left, you can change things for the better. I know from experience this is possible….but so, so difficult. Find a way to believe. Find the courage to try. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Allow yourself tears, even sobs. Kick people that hurt you out of your life. Claim your space. Claim your rights. You can do this. Just know this isn’t some kind of magic answer. You’ll get triggered by things, still feel hurt. But it’s powerful when you can say to yourself that the abuse you experienced is part of you….not all of you….and you can choose a different way.

Sending love ~

Last edited Wed Jan 3, 2024, 03:24 PM - Edit history (1)

Ungrateful?I went to school to be a nurse but switched to Art Ed. When I got married all of my work was thrown in the garbage, My art was from my heart. I Understand you, I have not been posting replies because it hurts to see it written here and is embarassing to read my posts. My adopted son--my mother refers to as the Bastard, has been taking on my role, She refused to visit him when he was in a drug rehab center, both of my siblings were in mental hospitals and I took her everyday to visit. She said I didn't. It has and does cause problems with my husband,

but I do know this….You are the only person who can make the decision to end this abuse. You have to really want it, then be really willing to do it. When the power of that decision to change rises up inside you, you’ll begin to experience a certain freedom. That freedom will start from you not participating in this chaos. Like I said earlier….no phone calls, no visits, no letters, no emails. You have to be the person to end it. One day, if you make that choice, it won’t matter what any of them say or do.

I also have an adopted son who was treated in the manner you described. When I told myself that the abuse was stopping, I meant it….and left. A few years later, my therapist said that was the best decision I had ever made. It was difficult, it hurt, but it was powerful.

I wish you better days.

What if they deny it, or say I owe them as family, or I am ungrateful?

Make a clean break from their toxicity. You are strong enough to do it. If they want to change, fine; just don't let them change you.

talking about. It's toxic as hell and it's does nothing good for your mental state, when you have them making all sorts of crazy/nasty a&& statements. Be strong, and one day, you'll emerge stronger when you finally bud out, and those abusive members of the family are gone/passed. I hate to say it this way, but when the offending members of my inner family all passed away, it was like night and day, and my sister and I get along just wonderfully, and life is good to us. We moved on, we don't talk about such issues having already dealt nonstop w/ the issues when they were alive and now we're free. We love it and don't miss it one bit (well, a very tiny bit, but not much).

Hang in there. Be strong.