TOPEKA, KANSAS (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed legislation that will only grant welfare benefits from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program to unregistered gun owners, registered Republicans, and/or those who live in a region of the state where their tap water catches on fire. The move is the second stab at the poor and most vulnerable members of Kansas society in a week.

On April 16th, Brownback signed HB 2258, which solved the rampant problem of TANF recipients spending welfare money at swimming pools, lingerie stores, tattoo parlors, movie theaters, casinos, cruise ships, psychic shops, and massage parlors instead of using the funds to buy essentials like food. "I don't know how these takers can go without eating food and spend their money on luxuries like tattoos and massages, but we don't have to worry about that anymore," stated Brownback after he signed the bill. A smirk developed on his face as he continued, "This will definitely solve the problem of homelessness and child poverty being at record levels in Kansas, and pave the way for more tax breaks for the deserving job creators. I'm sure that won't worsen the massive state deficit."