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Showing Original Post only (View all)Selling dryer Buyer says he can get it out if I help Fuck it I pick up a side Then I see look on his [View all]
SaraSuze @tragedythyme
A quick reminder for men: Common events for you can turn into really scary situations for women in a snap.
Case in point: This week I listed a clothes dryer on the Letgo app. Because it was a dryer, a neutral meeting location was impractical. I needed it taken out of my house.
To try to stay safe, I decided to only allow people to pick it up after 5 when my husband would be home. But a guy who works nights asked if he could come in the am instead; I said yes as long as you're here before husband leaves for work.
The next morning, buyer isn't here before husband leaves. I message and tell him not to come. He shows up 15 min later. In addition to being late, he has no dolly or help, despite the ad saying the dryer was in a basement & you'd have to remove yourself.
He says he will come back with help, I say after 5 would be great. He then asks if he could just see it real quick before coming back and bringing someone over, in case he doesn't want it. So, now I have a decision to make.
I quickly try to assess my likelihood of danger, as every woman has done so, so many times. It's instinct. First, what's his age? Late 60s, early 70s. He's tall but thin. Wearing a wedding ring. Hasn't smiled at me strangely or looked at me for too long. I make a judgment call.
Feeling like he's more likely to be safe than unsafe, and feeling badly about not letting him see the dryer, I invite him in. Once in the basement, he's POSITIVE he can get it out with just a LITTLE help he says, looking at me. Fuck it. I pick up a side.
Walk to the stairs is fine. We're sharing the work. With each stair, I'm feeling more and more of the weight. I'm sweating. Heaving. Pissed. Halfway up the stairs and it feels like he's doing NOTHING.
And then I see it. The look on his face.
He's staring at me, hard. Right in the eyes, sly smile on his lips. My hair is matted to my forehead. I can't get a comfortable grip. I'm just about to ask him what's going on - is he even lifting? - when he starts to speak.
"Damn, girl. Look at you. Man, those thighs. Put em to work, huh? That sweat looks good on you. Workin thighs like that, I bet your husband is a happy man. C'mon, show me what you got." I was mortified. And I'm realizing I can't get out. He & a dryer I'm lifting are blocking me.
So I do what women do, lower my eyes, pretend to laugh a little, start lifting faster. The comments and staring hey worse but I try to block them out. As soon as I am free of the basement I walk straight past him to my phone, wait 5 seconds, and say, "honey, the buyer is here!"
And wanna guess what happened? He left without buying it. Was this guy going murder me? Probably not. But I'm not sure. Am I pissed I had to worry about being murdered in my own home because grandpa creeper likes sweaty women? Yeah. Fucker.
The point - other than my being pissed and wanting to tell people - is that events like this, even when we come out ok, take an emotional toll. I was scared. He left more and more of the weight on me & watched me squirm. And now I have one more "thing" that I have to worry about.
So men, if you want to be allies, then recognizing that assault is bad is just the minimum. For every sexual assault, there are thousands of events that don't lead to violence but which scare the shit out of us, especially after our "assessment" turns out to have been wrong.
And obviously, if you ever are in a woman's home alone, whether during a service call or an online sale like this, accept if she's home alone, she's likely done the assessment. Respect her space, don't do gross shit. The basics. Please.
UPDATE: This man just showed up at my house. It's 10pm. Husband answered doorbell, drunk guy mumbles "wrong house" & goes back to his truck. I looked out the window and saw it was him. Tomorrow I'll be here alone with my 4yo while my husband is at work. Terrified in my own house.
UPDATE 2: called the police, they were VERY helpful & said I'm in a great spot for rotating cars to sit outside as much as they can tomorrow. Going to see about taking my little one & spending the day at a friend's house tomorrow just in case. Thank you to everyone for support.
A final comment about this: when I was stuck on the steps with that dryer & he was saying that disgusting shit, I just wanted to escape. I was scared but was calculating how to get out of the situation. Later, as I typed up this story, my fear had given way to rage & disgust.
And then tonight, when he came back, any fantasies I may have harbored earlier while I was typing this story about telling him to fuck off, leave me alone, etc - ALL of those disappeared immediately. I saw him and felt nothing but terror. This wasn't a man who'd physically hurt me. He didn't rape me. Never even touched n me, in fact. He just said gross shit as I struggled with a heavy appliance. Not that it was nothing, but in the grand scheme of things, my experience was nothing compared to the evil shit people do to each other every day. And yet what I felt when I saw him tonight was nothing short of terror. I will never, ever, be one of those movie heroines who seeks revenge and stands up for herself to teach the bad guy a lesson. I'm the girl who starts crying & shaking so badly she can't say the words "that's him" clearly
And if I'm being honest, I'm ashamed of that. For all my marching and fist-waving and dreams about screaming at bastards like Kavenaugh in some restaurant one day, the truth is that in the moment, I crumbled. I cried when I typed this update & when I called the police.
The rage that I felt earlier when I told this story hay not have been productive, but it felt good. I enjoyed thinking that this rage would protect & strengthen me if this ever happened again. But then when he showed up, that rage turned to mist. Nothing had changed in me. There was no newfound bravery or empowerment, no matter how much I wanted it to be so. And that's ok. I know it is ok to be scared.
But I could've lived without having my fantasy disproven so quickly. It was warm & made me feel good about myself, and I'll miss it. So, attention you asshole from letgo. It wasn't enough that you said those things & trapped me in my house & scared me & that my back is killing me now from holding that thing & moving it so fast. It wasn't enough that I'd never felt scared on my house before you showed up here tonight.
On top of all of that, you also took from me any hope that I would be one of those women who could turn fear to strength. I'm not one. But I would've liked to believe I was, & you took that from me, too. And damn it, fuck you for that, whoever you are. Just please, please don't come back.
NEXT DAY UPDATE: To all of the men on here pointing out what I did wrong to bring this on myself, please know I am taking articulate notes with your suggestions and cannot wait to follow your instructions and enjoy my new life of extreme safety
Also, lots more was said/done during the event that was utterly disgusting that I didn't discuss in detail here in order to avoid triggering others. Because that is yet another thing that women do instinctively to protect themselves and one another.
To the men who have reached out and told me they're listening to their wives & believing that this happens to them EVERY DAY - your stories warm my heart. And to the male allies on here standing up to other men while also seeking to improve yourselves - I fucking see and love you.
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Selling dryer Buyer says he can get it out if I help Fuck it I pick up a side Then I see look on his [View all]
jodymarie aimee
Oct 2018
OP
It is advice I do myself. But that's fine. I have been accussed of "victimizing" the OP, which is
still_one
Oct 2018
#43
Thanks cwydro. I need a break from here, and everything else going on right now anyway
still_one
Oct 2018
#52
You have a perfect right to take whatever risks the real world puts in your path
Joe Chi Minh
Oct 2018
#161
This is my last post here, and I am gone. I was giving advice that I give for myself, but instead
still_one
Oct 2018
#50
You did nothing at all to bring this on yourself. We're in a new normal and you ...
marble falls
Oct 2018
#5
The difference is it went from patriarchal (not good but reparable) to depredation ...
marble falls
Oct 2018
#25
I agree. Just like hearing about missing kids. We know instantly a child missing 1000 miles away.
7962
Oct 2018
#96
No, it's always been this bad, women are talking about it a lot more than they used to. nt
raccoon
Oct 2018
#87
You all know this post and it's story are NOT something that happened to the DUer who posted it.
Liberal In Texas
Oct 2018
#68
Um no, his comments amounted to victim blaming. Kinda like how you attempted to smear the OP.
SunSeeker
Oct 2018
#172
What a terrible feeling, that moment where you realize the danger you're in.
TeapotInATempest
Oct 2018
#22
I am glad you did not have a worse outcome. That being said, it was a sexual assault.
58Sunliner
Oct 2018
#24
I totally understand the sizing up, doing the figuring in your head, holding your breath
BlancheSplanchnik
Oct 2018
#28
Your story terrifies me and I am a man with a wife and 2 daughters and 2 sons. I told the story
Pepsidog
Oct 2018
#33
What did your husband do/say when you looked out the window and said it was the guy?
cwydro
Oct 2018
#37
I'm glad you didn't get physically hurt and I'm sorry for the psychological trauma you went through.
iscooterliberally
Oct 2018
#38
Precautions men & women take to avoid being the victim of a violent crime is similar
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#42
Your post implied women and men are equally the victims of violent crime. They're not.
SunSeeker
Oct 2018
#67
Because that's what I do. Why would you want me to lie and say something different?
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#85
You said this to the OP "Thank you for sharing your harrowing ecperience with that perv."
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#117
I'm not going to complain about the OP as the name of the author is in the very 1st line!
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#127
Very true. But she's not responded to any of the questions or expressions of concern.
cwydro
Oct 2018
#133
I've known the OP for a couple of years and I don't think she meant for us to make this mistake.
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#135
Why so hostile to this poster? I asked him questions to, but you seem to have a problem with his
cwydro
Oct 2018
#122
You are all over this thread shitting on the OP with "lol's" - suggesting it is suspect.
SunSeeker
Oct 2018
#136
That doesn't make the OP's content, or the thread discussion, any less valid.
SunSeeker
Oct 2018
#150
The OP is not required to engage. Do you have a problem with the OP content?
SunSeeker
Oct 2018
#134
Every DUer is anonymous. So what? We "correspond" to lots of folks not here.
SunSeeker
Oct 2018
#132
I don't see any post in that thread saying something like "I'm so sorry to hear you have cancer!"
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#138
What are you talking about? It's always been this way. It's just that now women
raccoon
Oct 2018
#99
yes, and the women I have known most always have talked about it. But now that it is more mainstream
logosoco
Oct 2018
#113
My big wish when reading your story was that you were ahead of him on the stairs so you could have
Maraya1969
Oct 2018
#92
I have been single most of my adult life, so I have workmen in the house often.
Honeycombe8
Oct 2018
#141
Why haven't you explained to Honeycombe8 how dangerous it is for there to be a gun in the house?
Kaleva
Oct 2018
#162
I just really have never thought about what we women do, daily, to try and stay safe
meadowlark5
Oct 2018
#142
Yes, as a man I didn't realize this until I thought about it later as an adult...
jimlup
Oct 2018
#154
Assuming you were getting rid of the old dryer because you replaced it with a new one
cstanleytech
Oct 2018
#174