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In reply to the discussion: My son committed suicide 1/27/2022-I heard from the White House staff [View all]crimycarny
(1,351 posts)Feeling this acute pain that never ends and is so all-consuming that I can't even breathe. I'm basically a shut-in, only leaving the house to drive up to the site where my son killed himself, or go for solitary runs. I literally am waiting to die so this pain will end. That's not living. If that's what it's going to be like for the rest of my life, why bother?
It hasn't been two months yet so I'm hopeful I can find a way to live without the acute knife piercing pain, the obsessive thoughts of "it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault", seeing him the last time I saw him--when he was standing on the stairs asking me if everything was ok (because his dad and I had just gotten in a stupid fight). He would get anxious whenever there was conflict and so I added to his anxiety that night by telling him about the fight, even exaggerating the seriousness of it because I was so mad at his dad. Why did I do that KNOWING it would add to his anxiety? If I hadn't told him about the fight would he still be here? I think he would, so I feel like I was the last straw. I am the reason he went through with his plan that night. Me.
These thoughts CONSUME me. I can't eat, I can't sleep without medication. When I wake up it's like "I'm back in hell again".
I'm hoping my grief counselor can help. I'm fighting, I'm trying, but if there is no end to this pain even with therapy then all I can hope is an early death to take me out of this hell. I won't commit suicide, I can't put my family through that pain, but I won't be living either. Just waiting for death.