On the Execution of Puppies, and the Legal Immunity of Narcoleptic Rapists (Ferret) [View all]

I’ve decided to compose a comedy of manners/courtroom thriller about our topsy-turvy times. My working title: The Drowsy Rapist. Perhaps The Chilly Rapist. The Drowsy, Chil- no, that’s too much.

(The blog link, for those who want the full experience. It’s very modern and titillating: https://showercapblog.com/on-the-execution-of-puppies-and-the-legal-immunity-of-narcoleptic-rapists/)

ANYWAY, there’s this rapist, who commits bunches and bunches of crimes on top of the rape, including an honest-to-goodness attempted coup, and this idiot death cult that thinks the rapist should be President.

It’s a REALLY cool cult, you probably can’t get in. Gosh, how can any of us look at the life of dignity and universal respect Bill Barr leads without seething with envy? Getting publicly humiliated by a rapist game show host looks so, so rad, and I just wish SO HARD that I was you, Bill.

So the rapist is on trial, for a few of the dozens of crimes he’s committed, and he keeps nodding off during the trial and allegedly farting in his sleep although rumors of actual pants-shitting are lies planted by the Clinton Foundation operatives who killed Seth Rich.

It’s certainly not hard to understand why this particular rapist inspires such fervent devotion.

He is being air conditioned for our sins, you know. And are the unflattering courtroom sketches depicting a dozing, unnaturally hued old fop not a modern-day crucifixion?

All he does anymore is fall asleep (but definitely not shit himself) and complain about being cold, while down the road, the Supreme Freakin’ Court ponders granting him absolute criminal immunity, or at the very least delivering a massive in-kind contribution to his flailing campaign, in the form of a desperately needed delay of one of his other criminal trials.    

How many crimes does this one, specific rapist get to commit? I’m willing to compromise. Tell you what, we’ll do a punch card system. Every ten felonies, you get a free one. Considering he’s facing exactly 88 counts (for now) that works out rather tidily.

It’s fuckin’ wild, watching the rapist’s strip mall attorneys argue he has the legal right to not only overthrow the government, but to assassinate anybody who doesn’t like it.

This rapist who can no longer remain awake.

We must grant him these powers for the restored Reich to come, you understand. He has big plans for that power, and many of those plans are *technically* criminal. Sure, he’s lost a step, but he’s still got a coupla rapes left in him.

As you’d imagine, MAGA Nation is handling all this rather poorly, though I find myself uncharacteristically sympathetic. You’ve spent the better part of the last decade worshipping a turd, and now the turd is melting in the harsh light of day, and of course it’s embarrassing. Shouldn’t’ve worshipped that turd in the first place, though. That’s on you.

Jesse Watters practically begged viewers to see not the impotent flopping of a deflated, declining narcissist, but King Kong in a cage. Sure, and he’s a “style icon,” too. He’s strong and he’s smart and he never said to drink bleach just inject disinfectant and anyone who says otherwise is a filthy libtard commie sheeple.

…and yet every time I look at my phone, he is either asleep, or waving physical printouts of Fox News stories, complaining about the temperature in the courtroom. Can somebody please get the God Emperor a blanket?

At least nobody seems particularly interested in rioting on the doddering old coot’s behalf these days. That’s downright encouraging. Perhaps they’re deterred by all the seditious conspiracy convictions. Perhaps they are too mortified to show their faces in public. I certainly would be.

He’s trying so desperately to conjure another riot, too, (when he’s awake, that is) whimsically evoking Charlottesville, insisting there’s an adoring throng, just off camera, clamoring for his release, bear-spraying the odd law enforcement officer.

Not so tough without yer lynch mob, are ya, Donnie? Whole lot more folks turning out to vote for Nikki Haley in your primary, in fact, than to protest for your sad, sloppy self anymore.

Should the American electorate prove sufficiently brain-broke this November, Junior n’ Eric are to serve as “loyalty czars” during the transition back to kakistocracy. Executive branch staffing overseen by Beavis and Butt-Head in jodhpurs…well, we’d deserve it.

So I guess Kristi Noem murdered a puppy.

That’s what she says in her book, anyway. Some speculate this may be a ploy to gain favor with the famously dog-despising Drowsy Rapist, in the authoritarian groveling Olympics some call th’veepstakes. Not the worst strategy, honestly. No doubt Byron Donalds will be crushing hamsters on Newsmax by Thursday.

Any history textbooks that don’t dedicate at least half a page to the Kristi Noem Executed a Puppy news cycle would fail this nation’s precious children. People need to understand how weird and gross and stupid everything was.

The Consequences Fairy doesn’t need the map app to find Rudy Giuliani’s house anymore, y’know? Rudy earned a fresh set of indictments, alongside several of the usual suspects, plus a few new faces, for his role in the Arizona chapter of the fake elector scheme.

Gosh, they sure do commit a lot of crimes, don’t they? These would-be greatness restorers?

For example, here’s a headline reading “Kevin McCarthy Protege Under Investigation For Sexually Assaulting Daughter.” How strange that so many (alleged) sex criminals find themselves drawn to this rapist-led resentment cult!

Speaking of Matt Gaetz, he seems to’ve fallen off a few colleagues’ Xmas card lists. Tony Gonzalez called him a “real scumbag” (Geppetto checkmark) who "paid minors to have sex,” (depends who ya ask) earning the enmity of the feral Freedumb Caucus, who were already pissy over letting down their genocidal buddy, Vlad.

The Ukraine debate seems to’ve finally forced House Republicans to ask themselves, how do you solve a problem like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Easy. A FUCKING STRAIGHTJACKET. Dems did their part when they stripped her of her committee assignments; you gave ‘em back. You are bad at making decisions, and that is not our fault.

I do enjoy watching the Putin wing of the GOP fail, even if it means being nice(r) to Mike Johnson for a week. I therefore proclaim thee…Marginally Superior to Kevin McCarthy! Some hurdles are low enough for even you, Mike, congratulations. Why, I bet none of your protégés commit incestuous sexual assault.   

Riding a wave of Not Fucking Up For Once, Speaker Moses decided to insert himself into the white-hot center of the campus protest issue, which went super well, he made lots of new friends.

Predictably, all the wannabe autocrats’re clawing and biting for a corner of the spotlight, competing to be seen calling for the violent suppression of speech. You always get grade A ghoulishness outta Cotton and Hawley during times of civil unrest, but I imagine it’s Greg Abbott who gained the most in the eyes of the discerning proto-fascist, because speeches n’ op-eds are all well and good, but they cannot hold a candle to footage of uniformed officers beating up people you hate.

Melania has appointed herself Duchess of LGBTQ outreach for her sleep-farting rapist husband’s bid to regain power. Gotta fill the time somehow, I suppose.

Wanna hear something funny?

Jimmy Comer wants to run for Governor.

Heh. Hah. Hahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhh

Like, there’s kakistocracy and there’s KAKISTOCRACY, y’know? I cannot recollect a single James Comer story since he became a national figure under McCarthy (inspired leaderin’ there, Kev!) where he failed to come off like a drooling, overmatched bumpkin. And after a year and a half of punching himself in the dick on C-SPAN, he expects voters back home to put him in charge of the whole dang STATE.

And y’know what? They just might. MAGA voters make bad choices, nowhere more so than in the voting booth. Governor Comer? Why the fuck not? Future generations might wonder how, precisely, Kentucky managed to break loose from the continental United States and fling itself into the sun, but we who lived through it will simply shrug and say, “that’s just what red state voters wanted back then.”

Like, Louisiana Republicans advanced a bill that would “repeal a law that requires employers to provide a 30-minute meal break for minors who work at least five hours.” That’s what the GOP is for now. Rolling back child labor laws, and whatever that one rapist wants. The rapist that’s sleeping (and allegedly farting but absolutely positively not shitting himself) through his porn star hush money trial.

Tom Petty-defiling RNC Co-Chair Lara Trump announced plans to dispatch poll workers to illegally “physically handle ballots” in all 81 states, so maybe whatever’s wrong with Eric is transmitted sexually?

Let’s check in on our freshly hatched Republican Senate candidates real quick. Wow, let no one claim Tim Sheehy is taking the anti-Semitic vote for granted. Eric Hovde could learn a thing or two from Tim, perhaps even the Pledge of Allegiance.

If you hate your own brain and want it to die screaming, you can always watch Tucker Carlson reject the theory of evolution on Joe Rogan’s podcast, I guess. Didja see Mitch McConnell pick a fight with Tucker, during the Ukraine aid debate? I confess I felt a transgressive little thrill, backing Yertle for once. Go GIT ‘im, Mitch! Fuck him right up!

If you’ll allow consecutive positive paragraphs about Republican Senators, let me say I sincerely hope campaign season offers up a steady stream of drolly withering Mitt Romney put-downs.

Especially since the George Santos comeback tour has, heartbreakingly, been called off. They were negotiating with J.R. Majewski about coming on as the opening act, too.

What happened was, a bunch of sponsors had to pull out. The NRA. Project Veritas. Why, even Jim Hoft’s Th’Gateway Dipshit has declared bankruptcy. It’s hard times out there in the wingnut griftosphere. Everybody lost their shirt on Trump Bucks and NFTs and Trump Media stock and honestly how do any of these people have money left to feed themselves at this point?

Anyway, I’ve got some puppies to exec-I MEAN BEER TO DRINK. If you enjoyed the post, you are welcome to leave a few bucks in the tip jar, I spend all the money on bullets to shoot puppies wit-I MEAN BEER. The puppy bullet jar takes Cash App, PayPal, and Ven-I MEAN THE BEER JAR TAKES CASH APP, PAYPAL AND VENMO!

Or you can follow @john_luzar over on Elon’s Shattered Plaything, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com if you feel so inclined. Until we meet again, stay safe out there, especially if you are a very young dog in South Dakota.