Reply #21: Don Goldwater [View All]

Don Goldwater

Not so long ago, the GOP was desperately trying to make illegal immigration a felony (see Idiots 241). But now Republican gubernatorial candidate Don Goldwater has come up with an even better plan - one that the whole nation is going to love! Goldwater's solution is so perfect that we really should find a worthy name for it. Let's see... it should finally stop immigrants from entering the country illegally, so let's call it "Don Goldwater's Final Solution." According to the Associated Press:


Don Goldwater, nephew of the late Sen. Barry Goldwater, caused an international stir this week when EFE, a national news agency of Spain, quoted him as saying he wanted to hold undocumented immigrants in camps to use them "as labor in the construction of a wall and to clean the areas of the Arizona desert that they're polluting."

Labor camps, eh? I guess if it's good enough for Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, and Kim Jong Il, it's good enough for the U.S.A.

But according to Goldwater, these aren't really labor camps at all - this is simply a "work program" in which immigrants are forced to perform labor and get nothing in return. Er, while they're living in a camp. See? World of difference.

Immigrants enter the country illegally because they can find work, and are drastically underpaid by unscrupulous corporations looking for cheap labor. Goldwater's plan would simply cut out the middleman and force immigrants to work for nothing. I think there's a word for that, let me see here... ah yes:


slav · er · y n. The state of one bound in servitude as the property of a slaveholder or household.

Actually, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea. Perhaps Don Goldwater should expand upon his idea - instead of putting illegal immigrants in camps, why not hand one out to every household for personal use? They could perform menial labor around the house - cooking, cleaning, babysitting, etc. - and at night they could be chained up in the garden shed. Any escapees could be shot on sight by National Guard troops who are patrolling the streets enforcing the curfew.

Oh, didn't I mention the curfew? Well obviously we'll have to have a curfew.



Dick Cheney

The beauty of this whole labor camp idea is that it could be used as an effective tool against all kinds of troublemakers, not just illegal immigrants. Take Steven Howards, for example, who was arrested in the presence of Dick Cheney at an economic summit in Vail, Colorado, last week. What kind of mischief was Howards up to? According to the Secret Service, he "wasn't acting like the other folks in the area," and "his behavior and demeanor wasn't quite right."

The Secret Service declined to describe how the other folks in the area were acting, nor did they explain what "wasn't quite right" about Howards' demeanor. Nonetheless, according to the Vail Daily News, "officials are reviewing possible federal charges." Send him to the labor camps, I say! We can't have people going around acting differently when the vice president is in town. (Especially not the executive directors of established non-profit environmental organizations.)

But the good news is that Dick Cheney won't end up out of pocket while taking part in these distressing appearances where people occasionally act differently near him. This week he's going to be in Grand Island, Nebraska, to raise money for Adrian Smith, the Republican nominee for the 3rd Congressional District race, where taxpayers will be footing the bill for his security. Likewise, he was in Nashville last month for an event which raised a quarter of a million dollars "toward Republicans' efforts in the 2006 mid-term elections, along with campaigns to get out the vote." Taxpayers had to shell out for that one too.

But if you're a taxpayer who's concerned that Dick Cheney is taking your hard earned cash in order to raise money for Republican candidates and would like to show up at one of these events and let him know, be careful - apparently the First Amendment doesn't cover people who aren't "acting like other folks in the area" these days.