My night with Paris Hilton, as told by Lostinva [View All]

Saturday was Haruka’s stepsister’s college graduation party, and what a scene it was. None of the following has been exaggerated at all.

The BN (Haruka’s sister’s bf) meets the Stepdad's Dad:
The BN (short for The Bishop's Nephew) is a nice young lad, and as such, he decided to go outside and chat up the stepgranddad. Now, the stepgranddad is a gruff old conservative, and the BN was woefully unprepared.

Strike #1--He's wearing a shirt bearing "Abercrombie & Fitch" across the front in large letters. The SGD HATES A&F because he believes "it promotes pornography" and he doesn't support pornography.
Strike #2--He's wearing his hat backwards. SGD informs him that "studies show wearing a hat backwards is a sign of ghetto people, and most ghetto people are negroes." Yes, he actually said negro. Everyone is shocked, except for Haruka’s stepdad, who said, "I'm shocked my dad knows such a 'nice' term for black people.”
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I give the BN kudos for keeping his hat on backwards for the whole party, in defiance of the SGD.

Paris & Nicky Hilton Arrive
They come up on the deck and introduce themselves to everyone. Then, they sit down alone and chat with each other, making sure that everyone has a good view of them. Everyone else immediately forgets their names and only refers to them as Paris & Nicky for the rest of the night. (One is blonde, one brunette, and both are stick-thin and wearing baby doll dresses.)

Paris & Guido BF fight in the kitchen
This causes me to switch into responsible adult mode. I tell Haruka to go tell stepsister to control her friends. While she goes off to find SS, I tell them to knock it off. They ignore me, and Paris keeps shrieking in the middle of the KITCHEN. Stupid move. I go off on them, saying they better knock it off because there's a sick old lady in the front room (Haruka’s grandmother). Paris ignores me. Guido BF says, "I'm sorry ma'am. We'll move." Meanwhile, the SS has been distracted and doesn't check on her friends, but Haruka's stepdad's friend shows up to "check out the action."

Paris locks herself in the bathroom
The only bathroom available for the party. For 45 minutes. This results in Haruka’s mom locking people out of the upstairs bedrooms, and me nearly taking the universal key and going "Jersey" on Paris' anorexic ass.

Nicky & some guy try to have sex in Haruka’s room
They were thwarted because they opened the bedroom door to find me laying in my bed (an injury was bothering me) reading a book. They apologize and leave. I thought about making sure they didn't go "use" my future Sill’s room, but was in too much pain to get up. The FSIL said that no one had sex in her room, because it was the "crying room," and that she knew Paris' whole life story because of this.

Paris punches Guido BF in the face
This took place in the driveway. The BN saw it. The FSIL had her back turned and missed it, which made her very sad. Paris went home. Guido BF stayed. The next day, he said his face still hurt. I bet Paris' hand hurt more.

Ms. Strawberry & her beau end up at the wrong party
MS, Haruka’s BFF, and her BF showed up at the wrong party. MS calls Haruka up and says, "I'm in your kitchen." As Haruka was standing in her kitchen, she said, "No you're not." MS replies, "Oh wow, we must be at the wrong party." They show up 10 minutes later, having already greeted everyone at the other house and nibbled from a cheese tray.

"You must be the only white guy in Paterson."
Haruka’s very drunk stepdad kept telling MS’s BF this. Haruka and I also discussed the Paris Hilton porn video with the SD, and how much Paris sucks in bed. SD had been drinking on zero sleep, having left Italy at about 10:30pm EST time Friday, landed in NYC around noon, stayed up till 2am drinking, and was awake and doing stuff at 9am Sunday. He’s a superhero.

MS’s BF gets lost and Nicky tries to pick him up
MS, Haruka, and I all went out to the front porch, because it was quiet. MS’s BF went to use the bathroom, couldn't find us, and got trapped on the landing by Nicky and friends. They were flirting and eying his death metal tats. We said that they wanted some "rough trade." He said that we better not ever do that to him again and that he was scared of them.

Step-Granddad asks about "that guy with the red hair & the thing around his head"
That guy would be MS’s BF, he has red Viking hair and a beard and lots of scary tattoos. SGD kept asking us how he was going to get a job. We said, "He's going to school for so he can work with the police." "Yeah, but how's he going to get a job?" "He's a really nice guy. I've known him for years." "Yeah, but how's how going to get a job?" Wash. Rinse. Repeat.