Reply #99: Children of the Universe [View All]

I have been involved in the adoption community for many years now and sadly I have to say that I've heard such stories before. Many would say that adoption is not political, but I have found that it is. It is through our elected representatives that adoption is legislated, producing laws that keep adoptees from the truth of their heritage.

Adoptees live a lifetime of searching for their identity and most laws protect the rights of the adoptive parents, not those of the adoptee or first parent. As both an adoptee and a first mother, I can assure you that it is highly unlikely that you could cause your mother any more pain than she has already experienced. The majority of mothers truly want to know what became of their lost children and need to know that they are okay. Many search for their children actively, while others have been conditioned to believe they have no right to know. As I was adopted myself, I wanted my son to know his roots and the circumstances surrounding his adoption if it was his desire. I made myself available if that day ever arose and fortunately for both of us, he did want to know.

I told my son one day that my biggest fear was that I would find a right-wing, fundamentalist republican! He laughed, as he is every bit as liberal as I am, in spite of his conservative upbringing. I have seen over and over again that genetics trump environment and we cannot deny our biological origins. Though adoption may be a viable solution for some, it is not as simplistic as many people would believe. You cannot take a unique individual and just drop them into to a seemingly stable environment and expect the child to prosper, especially if the child's origins are considered insignificant. Because adoption has become a money-making business, the welfare of both the adoptee and the mother often takes a backseat to profit. In this country we buy and sell babies for money, and make it altruistic. Because many prospective adoptive parents are not thoroughly vetted beyond their bank account, stories of emotional and physical abuse are not uncommon.

Many adoptees and first mothers do not search because they are afraid of rejection, something they are far too familiar with. They say they don't want to interfere in their loved ones life or cause them pain, but inside the longing to "know" is very powerful. It is built-in to our being. I write this to you only to let you know, that if you have a desire to find your roots, you DO have the right to your own history, just as other people do. If you are are comfortable with your decision, I understand, but know that a day hasn't gone by that your mother hasn't thought of you. Unless she is in complete denial (not uncommon, as she has also experienced PTSD), she would welcome the opportunity to at least know that you are alive and well.

I searched, though not aggressively, and when my son was ready he was able to find me easily. Though the pain of my loss will never die completely, a cloud has been lifted from my life and my son knows he was and always will be loved.

So if you feel you have a desire to "know", trust those feelings. You have a right to know who you are and where you came from, as do your children. Your friends can get a copy of their original birth certificate. They know who their parents are and their grandparents. You deserve the same. Discrimination against adoptees has been prevalent for many years and we have been marginalized by society for far too long.

I don't regret my path. I too feel like a "child of the Universe" and there are many paths I may not have taken if my life had been different, but I do have a compulsive desire for the truth. I accept who I am and where I've been, but I will not let society dictate to me what I can or cannot know about myself.