Reply #33: I struggle with "hate the sin but love the sinner" [View All]

I know part of it is that I assume they know better when really they don't. So I fault them for things like voting Republican because they hate everyone who isn't a rich white Christian American male and want everyone to suffer horribly when they don't really understand the connection.

And another part of it is that they also assume that I'm like them and that criticism of their beliefs is the same thing as hating them. So it goes like this - "Intolerance is wrong." "Why do you think you're better than everyone else, bitch?" "I don't! It's just that I hate prejudice and it does nothing but cause destruction and pain." "Well, I'm sorry that the rest of us aren't so perfect little Miss High Horse." "What in the hell are you talking about?"

That happens here on DU too. Ever been accused of being a "purist" when you're just talking about your core beliefs?

It's not communication. It's just yelling at each other and misunderstandings. And I don't know how to make it better because it seems to me that the only way to not make them mad and to not make them think that I'm trying to say that I'm better than they are is to say that what they believe and what they do is right and good. And I'm not going to do that. Ever.

In my mind there is a clear separation between the ultimate value of someone's life and their beliefs. If I had to choose between saving the lives of a Republican and a Democrat I'd go for the one that I had the best chance of saving without reference to anything but the fact that they're both alive. All life is equally sacred.

But some ideas and beliefs are demonstrably better than others.

Other people seem to think that they are their beliefs and that if you, say, criticize Christianity, you mean it personally and you're saying that they are a horrible person when you're not thinking of them at all and you're thinking of the effect that Christianity has had on the species as a whole and of the effect that hardcore rightwing Christians are having on the country right now. I mean, yeah, I sort of know how it feels because I'm a relatively poor white person who lives in the South so it's not like I don't know what it's like to have your group bashed. So I usually try to do what I can to make it clear that I'm not talking about every Christian or every Republican or every rich white man or whatever, but sometimes I get all emotional and upset and the words come out quickly and I forget to put in the qualifiers.

And yeah, as much as you divide the person from their beliefs mentally it's hard to do it emotionally. Don't beat yourself up over it. It took me 27 years to learn it, but really the best thing to do is to accept your mistakes and imperfections and all that and just go on and try to do better next time. Hating yourself and mentally and emotionally beating yourself up doesn't help anything and just makes you miserable.

So to sum up - I think that we all tend to interpret what everyone else says through our own little filters and we sometimes see hatred where there is only criticism of a concept. But also it can be pretty hard to separate hatred and disagreement with a concept inside ourselves, so no wonder we misinterpret others. I guess the only thing to do is to try and remember to ask for clarification before going off on someone and try to remember to "hate the sin but love the sinner" even if it is hard sometimes.