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Gonna rob a bank? Choose the one who contributes most to Democrats, rob that one, and if caught, make clear you robbed them to punish them for enabling the sushulist Kenyan.
Planning to physically assault someone? Same thing, check contributions first, offer similar excuse if caught.
Bar brawl? Say you hit that person because he insulted Rand Paul.
DUI? Say you drank because you were depressed about the Republicans' recent bad polling.
Unlicensed firearm? you bought it this way because you're afraid the Democrat Party (don't pronounce the "ic" or you're busted!) will grab it.
I absofuckinglutely GUARANTEE you you will get the maximum leniency possible under law.
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