Project WZW Suspends Operations [View All]

As many of you know, Project WZW (Who’s Zoomin’ Who) was launched a few months ago, when the organization advertised for volunteers willing to infiltrate Teabagger events and report back their findings as to what these nut-jobs were actually thinking (thinking being a relative term in this case).

The success of Project WZW was wholly dependent on volunteers being able to pass themselves off as “true believers”, and training centers were set up in various areas around the country in order to educate (or de-edumacate) those willing to take on this daunting task.

Although the response was overwhelming, it has become apparent that despite their fervor for the cause, many enlistees simply cannot disregard years of intelligent thought in order to carry out their mandate.

The stories are many …

While devoted to the aims of WZW, many volunteers persisted in showing up for practice runs armed with correctly-spelled protest signs, and often communicated with others in complete, coherent sentences – thereby immediately “outing” themselves as infiltrators.

An entire mission in Boston had to be aborted when WZWers, in their last exercise before attending a Teabagger event, were caught in a sudden downpour and immediately sought shelter – thus demonstrating that they had the common sense to come in out of the rain.

Dozens of volunteers dropped out of the project when their “uniforms” were delivered, consisting of sweatshirts emblazoned with US flags, pink and/or bright orange stretch pants, and hats festooned with teabags. “God knows I love my country,” said one tearful volunteer. “But I just can’t be seen in public in that get-up. I am truly sorry.”

Many hopeful WZWers were dismissed with thanks during the interrogation phase of the training, after unwittingly giving correct answers to questions about the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and passing 3rd-grade level civics quizzes with ease.

Many others met their downfall during the racial/sexual slur exercises. Unable to shout disgusting epithets aimed at ethnic minorities and/or gays and lesbians, they had no choice but to admit defeat in their efforts to “pass” as an honest-to-goodness homophobic bigot.

“Not everyone is cut out for this sort of thing,” said WZW organizer Will Franklin, who admitted he’d honed his own skills of blending in with the Teabagger crowd by listening to Rush Limbaugh’s programs over and over until nausea set in. “I also have a Glenn Beck style blackboard at home, which I scratch my fingernails across to get myself in a really pissed-off mood,” he chuckled. “Only problem is, the sound reminds me of Sarah Palin’s voice – which I have to pretend to actually enjoy.”

“There are just so many pitfalls,” added Franklin. “So many gotcha moments that can lead to exposing one of our WZW infiltrators in the midst of an angry crowd.” He went on to recount the story of a Nebraska schoolteacher who the organization had high hopes for – only to have those hopes dashed in the middle of a Teabagger rally outside of Lincoln several weeks ago.

“She was a real up-and-comer – able to act as ignorant as you please without breaking a sweat,” enthused Franklin. “But in the end, intelligence – like the truth – will always out. A placard in the crowd read No pubic option and – well, she just couldn’t resist grabbin’ a magic-marker out of her purse and adding an ‘L’. That was it. They smelled blood – knew she wasn’t one of them. It was all we could do to get her out of harm’s way before it was too late.”

“Unfortunately, there are hundreds of stories like that,” Franklin continues. “One of our plants in Reno, when confronted by a suspicious Teabagger, admitted that he’d never even thought about shooting a man just to watch him die. Another WZW operative in D.C. interrupted an MSM newscaster covering the event to correct him – on camera, for Crissakes! – when he announced that thousands of people were in attendance. She insisted he turn the camera on the twelve people who had actually shown up. It was a disaster.”

“Worst night of my life,” said Franklin, wiping a tear from his eye, “was when one of our people – considered the best-and-the-brightest at playing too-stupid-for-words – grabbed a microphone at a recent Teabagger gathering and stated unequivocally that Barack Obama was undoubtedly a US citizen and, in the face of no viable evidence to the contrary, the Birfers in the crowd were wasting everyone’s time by barking up the wrong tree.” Franklin ended the tale there, too emotional to go on.

Sadly, Franklin and his staff have suspended all WZW operations as of this writing. “We tried to be as abjectly stupid as the Teabaggers,” he announced in a press conference earlier today. “But in a battle of the faux witless and the really witless, we just couldn’t match them.”

He closed by stating: “Their stupidity IS stupidity. You just can’t fake that kind of cluelessness, no matter how hard you try.”