The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 237

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 237

March 20, 2006
Brand New Edition

It's all change for the Top 10 Conservative Idiots this week - we've got a new design, we've moved into our brand new DU Journal, and the Top 10 is now cross-posted to the message board to allow comments. (For more information on how you can get your own DU Journal, click here.)

But our friendly neighborhood conservative idiots show no signs of changing any time soon, so let's get on with it. Last week Katherine Harris (1) announced that she's still running for Senate, Michael Leavitt (2) prepared us all for the bird flu, and George W. Bush (3) was officially declared incompetent. Elsewhere, Judd Gregg (4) was feeling mathematically challenged, The Pentagon (5) got its propaganda on, Donald Lee Fox (7) taught us all about morals and values, and Mike Pence (10) took us back to 1994. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!



Katherine Harris

IT'S ON! Last week, Rep. Katherine Harris (R-Election Thief) announced to a boner-popping Sean Hannity that she would not be abandoning her doomed Senate race, and made a shocking prediction - "I'm going to win." Harris made the announcement on "Hannity & Colmes," pausing for dramatic effect as she stared deep into the camera in a manner which I presume was supposed to be alluring but was actually more reminiscent of Goldfinger saying, "No Mr. Bond... I expect you to die." See for yourself - Crooks & Liars has the video.

Recent polls show Democrat Bill Nelson with a 2-1 advantage over Harris among independent voters, and up until last week Nelson's campaign war chest of $10 million dwarfed Harris's $2.5 million. But Harris has a secret weapon - a multi-million dollar inheritance from her father who passed away two months ago. As she told Sean Hannity, "I'm going to put everything on the line. Everything. Not just my future, and my reputation, my father's name, I'm going to take his legacy, that he gave to me, everything that I have, and I'm going to put it in this race." Wow. That's a big bet to lay on a campaign which is already circling the toilet bowl.

Harris continued: "I'm going to commit my legacy from my father, ten million dollars ... this is everything I have, and this levels, temporarily, the playing field."

Indeed - and Nelson had better watch out. Here's how Katherine Harris ran for Congress:



Just think how many more crusty old Uncle Sam impersonators she could buy with $10 million.



Michael Leavitt

The bird flu is coming - but don't worry, because the Bush administration is primed and ready to pounce on this potentially dangerous disease. Yes, the gang that bought you Freedom And Democracy In Iraq and We Are Fully Prepared To Help The Victims Of Hurricane Katrina is lining up its latest success - but this time they need your help. Remember when John Ashcroft said that everyone should prepare for a terrorist attack by rushing out to get duct tape and plastic sheeting? If you thought that was government at its finest, you'll love this.

Last week Health and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt announced that Americans should prepare for bird flu by stashing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds. "When you go to the store and buy three cans of tuna fish," said Secretary Leavitt, "buy a fourth and put it under the bed. When you go to the store to buy some milk, pick up a box of powdered milk. Put it under the bed." Sounds good, but what are folks like Bill O'Reilly going to do? You think he's got the time or inclination to move all those boxes of porn?



George W. Bush

How low can he go? Our Great Leader's poll numbers are in the tank, with most of the major polling companies reporting his lowest recorded approval ratings last week. Now, we all know that George says that he doesn't pay any attention to the polls. But we also know what a thin-skinned little fellow he is, so maybe he will pay attention to the Pew Research Center's poll which asked people to think of one word to describe the president. Here are the results for March 2006, compared to the same poll taken in February and July 2005:



Ouch - "honesty" used to be on top of the list, but that word has taken a significant dive, and the top slot is now filled with "incompetent." You'll also notice that "ass" and "jerk" have crept in there. That's bad news for Bush.

Even worse news for Bush is that using the above poll results, I was able to scientifically extrapolate projected results for the same poll if it is taken again in October this year.





Judd Gregg

Think back to all the rosy predictions that Bush administration officials made about Iraq in 2002, and these days one sticks out - Bush's former White House Economic Adviser Lawrence Lindsay was fired in 2002 after estimating the final cost of the Iraq War at $100-200 billion. At the time, stunned administration officials declared that there was no way the war would cost that much, and that the final figure would be closer to $50-60 billion. But even before the war began, some economists were predicting that it could cost as much as $2 trillion.

And guess what? The Bush administration was wrong, and the economists were right. America is currently spending $200 million a day in Iraq, according to the Congressional Budget Office, which is apparently the same as the gross domestic product of Nigeria.

So why did they get it so wrong? If you guess, "because they're idiots," you're right. Not only did the Bush administration obviously want to underplay the projected costs of the war, but it turns out that some Republicans can't even get their heads around the numbers involved. Last week, while discussing the fact that the federal government's debt limit is now nearly $9 trillion, Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) said, "It's hard to understand what a trillion is. I don't know what it is."

Which might not be that big a deal, if it weren't for the fact that Judd Gregg is chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. Glory be.



The Pentagon

Last week marked the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, and to celebrate their "mission accomplished," the Pentagon launched the largest air assault in Iraq since 2003. Operation Swarmer was billed as an anti-insurgency operation aimed at flushing Iraqi rebels from an area of farmland near Samarra, and featured more than 50 helicopters delivering 1500 Iraqi and U.S. soldiers to the battlefield. Cable news anchors, who have been starved for any good rah-rah footage since most of their embedded reporters hot-footed it from an increasingly dangerous Iraq a couple of years ago, predictably had multiple orgasms. Seriously, I swear there were a couple of moments when Wolf Blitzer almost slipped in all the man-juice sloshing around on the Situation Room floor.

Of course, there was just one problem - Operation Swarmer turned out to be much ado about nothing. While it provided some very pretty masturbation fodder for Chris Matthews and Co., the Pentagon later admitted that there were no airstrikes, no leading insurgents were captured, no shots were fired, and all the units involved met no resistance. Which was good news for the troops on the ground, but not so hot for Donald Rumsfeld's propaganda machine. It turns out that the Pentagon was expecting to capture insurgent leader Hamad el Taki, who was unfortunately nowhere to be found.

Still, for a few hours on that glorious afternoon last week we were all reminded of how great it was back in 2003 when the war was young and beautiful, the Iraqis were preparing to greet us with flowers, Saddam's weapons of mass destruction were still waiting to be found, and no dissent was allowed. How inconvenient for the Pentagon that reality got in the way of their delicious fantasy.



George W. Bush

George W. Bush marked the third anniversary of the Iraq War by proclaiming in his weekly radio address that we would "finish the mission" with "complete victory." Good to hear. So how does Our Great Leader's proclamation of "complete victory" stack up against his previous statements on the Iraq War?

Third Anniversary of Iraq Invasion, March 2006

"In recent weeks, Americans have seen horrific images from Iraq: the bombing of a great house of worship in Samarra, sectarian reprisals between Sunnis and Shias, and car bombings and kidnappings. ... The security of our country is directly linked to the liberty of the Iraqi people, and we will settle for nothing less than complete victory. Victory will come when the terrorists and Saddamists can no longer threaten Iraq's democracy, when the Iraqi security forces can provide for the safety of their own citizens, and when Iraq is not a safe haven for the terrorists to plot new attacks against our nation." - George W. Bush radio address

Second Anniversary of Iraq Invasion, March 2005

"Iraq's progress toward political freedom has opened a new phase of our work there. We are focusing our efforts on training the Iraqi security forces. As they become more self-reliant and take on greater security responsibilities, America and its coalition partners will increasingly assume a supporting role. ... The victory of freedom in Iraq is strengthening a new ally in the war on terror, and inspiring democratic reformers from Beirut to Tehran." George W. Bush radio address

First Anniversary of Iraq Invasion, March 2004

"The liberation of Iraq was good for the Iraqi people, good for America, and good for the world. The fall of the Iraqi dictator has removed a source of violence, aggression, and instability from the Middle East. ... The Iraqi people are now receiving aid, instead of suffering under sanctions. And men and women across the Middle East, looking to Iraq, are getting a glimpse of what life in a free country can be like." - George W. Bush radio address

Two Months After Iraq Invasion, May 2003



You know, I have the strangest feeling that this is all happening backwards.



Donald Lee Fox

Back in February the Danville School Board (Pennsylvania) came under fire for debating whether or not to allow students to participate in the Day of Silence - "a student-led day of action where those who support making anti-LGBT bias unacceptable in schools take a day-long vow of silence to recognize and protest the discrimination and harassment - in effect, the silencing - experienced by LGBT students and their allies," according to their website.

It's no surprise that those who would wish gays back into the closet are outraged about the Day of Silence, which is set to take place on April 26. At a recent school board debate, staunch conservative Donald Lee Fox carried a Bible to the podium, quoted Bible verse, and labeled homosexuality "an abomination."

Unfortunately for Mr. Fox, he must have missed the part about "judge not lest ye be judged yourself." See, it turns out that Donald Lee Fox is a convicted sex offender who was convicted of aggravated indecent assault on a 15-year-old girl in 1995, and served three to ten months in prison. According to the Associated Press, "Fox, who is required to register as a Megan's Law offender for life, was charged last year with violating the law by not informing the state he had moved. He pleaded no contest and was fined $300 and put on probation for a year."

Sounds like a real expert on "family values," right?



Vernon Robinson

George W. Bush promised to be a uniter and not a divider, yet America's mood has soured considerably since he came to power. But don't worry - this year the Republican party is running a bevy of level-headed compassionate conservatives who will be taking on the issues with cool heads and bringing an adult outlook to the nation's problems. For example, here's the rational, thoughtful response that Vernon Robinson, Republican candidate for Congress in North Carolina's 13th District, gave to Planned Parenthood when they asked if he wanted their endorsement:





Nancy Schaefer

Staying on the subject of abortion, State Sen. Nancy Schaefer of Georgia recently let slip the real reason why conservatives are opposed to the practice. At a local community meeting, she told members of the public that there are so many illegal immigrants in America because 50 million abortions have been performed in this country. Huh?

Follow her logic: she continued, saying that all those abortions have caused a shortage of cheap labor. "We could have used those people," she said. Get it? Abortions = shortage of cheap American labor = increase in illegal immigration.

So there you have it. The real reason why Republicans want to ban abortion is that there just aren't enough poor people in America to do the jobs that foreigners are willing to do for fifty cents an hour; overturning Roe vs. Wade would mean a dramatic increase in cheap labor for the rich to exploit. Thanks for explaining that to us Nancy.



Mike Pence

And finally, if you liked the Contract With America, then you're going to love Rep. Mike Pence's brand new Renewed Contract With America (PDF). Here are a few excerpts from the introduction:



So let me get this straight... in 1994 Americans elected a Republican-majority Congress who then enacted their Contract With America designed for the purposes of "getting spending under control, reducing the tax burden, and shrinking the size of the federal government." Congress has had a Republican majority for most of the past twelve years, and now we have "expanding government, a worsening fiscal position, an explosive growth in spending and earmarks ... a massive government and a crushing burden on future generations." And Mike Pence wants us to renew the Contract With America?

Looks like Pence has given up drinking the Kool-Aid and started injecting it directly into his bloodstream. See you next week!

-- EarlG

____________________


Editor's note: it was brought to my attention by several readers that I made a glaring error in last week's Top 10. I wrote that Bill Frist would be an excellent Republican candidate for the presidency in 2008 because "It's not often that you get the chance to run against an ethicist who is under investigation for insider trading, a moralist who refused to criticize the vice president for telling a Senator to 'go fuck yourself,' a doctor who doesn't know if you can get HIV from sweat and who can diagnose a persistent vegetative state by watching a videotape, a philanthropist whose AIDS charity gave half a million dollars to his own political consultants, and a compassionate conservative who, while larking around in the tsunami-hit region of Sri Lanka, told a photographer to 'get some devastation in the back.'" I neglected to mention that Bill Frist is also a well-known cat killer. My apologies for the omission.

Dope...Fiend...Dopefiend LOL

didn't catch that one.

awesome.

and she took it as "fashion" advice. :puke:

It's become a helluva lot easier to vote for Nelson, if it means that I'm bankrupting Katherine Harris.
The opportunism is shameful. Her father is barely cold and already she's got big plans to blow the inheritance. I've seen 15 year olds with more restraint.

I suppose the good news is that if Harris feels it is "sound economics" to spend $10 million of your own money get a job that pays about $200K a year, and wins, she'll be too broke to finance her own re-election campaign in 2012. :)

but now the con's seem to be taking it literally.

Don't they realize that it was a negative euphemism? Or that it's tacky?

This is a good idea. It was Top 10 Conservative Idiots that brought me to DU in the first place, when I did a google search on something and it came up.

So many idiots, so little time... or space... to write about them all.

Thanks, Top 10 for being there and for telling the truth so well. I look forward to reading the Top 10 every Monday morning you publish it.

If you're impatient like me...

What is it with these people and sex offenses?

Practice before you preach, you sick bastard.

...for those of us who wish to enlighten him.



:7

:)

Love the new look and the fact we can comment and tell you which liar comments caused us to spray our computer screens with soda pop. Kudos for the list of adjectives to describe Bush, especially your projected ones!

One comment on Katherine Harris; I thought I heard that she really wasn't spending all of her inheritance on the Senate race-but this was on Stephanie Miller Friday, and between listening to her and doing my work (which includes taking phone calls), I wasn't sure whether it was factual or satire.

I've been wanting to comment on the Top 10 ever since I saw it! I nearly splattered by screen with cheesepuff mush at the "Goldfinger" refrence.

I watched the video, and even there she said she would spend the ten million "in the last weeks of the campaign". She made a "commitment" it will be easy for her to back out of.

Katherine "Boobs" Harris could possibly have for being certain she will win the election is that she has it fixed. No one is supporting her bid for senate, not even the republicans.

I wanted to be among the first to comment on Top 10 now that we can. It is what originally brought me to DU and kept me coming back months before I started to explore, read, lurk, sign up, sign on, post and DONATE!

This has helped me more than anything else to keep me from getting beat down at the widespread acceptance and endorsement of the stupidity and evil that is the conservative leadership.

Thank you for continuing to point out that the Chimperor has no clothes.

I've been reading the idiots-list for more than a year and each week I keep being surprised about what the GWB administration and their cronies seem to be able to get away with.

Here in Belgium we obviously don't get to hear (or read) most of what is mentioned in the list, but time and time again I am surprised that the American public seems to keep on accepting this.

and with KH, is that the picture of her when some guy was about to drive his car on the sidewalk to "encourage her to move" in 2004?

I agree, the new format is a major improvement to my favorite part of the site.

I remember during a 2004 Kerry-Bush Debate that Kerry said the cost of the Iraq War would exceed $200 billion. Bush was shocked just shocked that Kerry would make that claim. Bush told tens of millions of US voters that there was no way the war would cost that much.

I'd love if someone could find those quotes.

I recorded the debates and have all four (including VP) on my computer. Just tell me which debate it was in (search transcripts) and I'll find the video for you.

UPDATE: I found and clipped the video. Due to limited bandwidth, please download and share:

VP debate-Cost of Iraq War.avi (requires DivX codec).

Enjoy! :)

I found the exchange regarding the costs of the Iraq war in the VP debate between Edwards and Cheney. Kerry brought up the $200B figure in debate #3, but Bush never responded to it.

From the VP debate:

I'm not sure how the allies' "forgiving Iraqi debt" changes the "cost" of the war, but that's what he said and no one challanged him on it.

Thanks for finding that. I couldn't find it because my memory was faulty. I thought it was Kerry-Bush, not Edwards-Dickhead.

I've hated her ever since she campaigned promising to bring back the religion of the founding fathers. Why can't these cretinous bumblefucks get it through their heads that the founders were not right-wing evangelical fundamentalists? Many were deists or borderline atheists, and they would have had very little respect for what these bigoted snake handlers think is religion.

Great new format! Looks slick!

and found a state free from embarrassment every time an elected official opens his/her mouth?

Brer Cat is now going to assiduously wash her whiskers and sleep upon a silk pillow for a week to fully recover her dignity.

EarlG, you are NOT forgiven! Cat killer is always TOP of the list.

Thank for you updating so I can comment on it!

I love the Top 10 and try to perform a bad ripoff when you take a week off.

No sweat. It won't cost her anything. She'll spend some or all of the $10 million just to cover up the theft.

:grr: :nuke: :mad: :grr: :nuke: :mad: :grr: :nuke: :mad: :grr: :nuke: :mad:

will be the Next Governer by some 'miracle'.

Unfortunately in this climate, political bravado/bluster sounds a heck of a lot more like insider trading.

and it's nice to finally be able to comment on it.

I love #7, about Donald Lee Fox. Why is it that in almost every case, these freakazoid republicans who pitch hissy fits about gays and whatnot almost ALWAYS have some kinky sex skelatons in their closet?! I swear, I would think that these idiots would be smart enough to not draw attention to themselves!
:rofl:

Anyway, I just want to tell the admins how much I love DU, the Top 10 list, and all the hard work you all obviously put into making this site incredible. It truly is my favorite place on the web.

And I never remember if it's EarlG or Elad that puts this together, but which ever one it is, I think I love you!

"Recent polls show Democrat Ben Nelson with a 2-1 advantage over Harris"

Bill Nelson is the Senator representing Florida.

Ben Nelson is the Senator representing Nebraska.

Fixed it, thanks.

I used to me able to mouseover the Key icons for their names, but it has stopped working with the new format. I suspect the alt="" tag has been omitted.

And clicking on the key link at the top, rather than open the keys in a popup window, took me to a new page with all the keys down the left side.

Minor and inconsequential "glitches" to be sure (I've memorized just about every key by now), but for those who haven't... :)

BTW: I'm using Netscape 7.2.

But it's something we hope to fix soon. This is still sorta the beta version.

The file name is sufficiently descriptive.

What is it with religious nuts and sex crimes? :wtf:

My semi-educated guess is that these people have disorders that bring on these compulsions.

--IMM

to the top 15 or even top 20 conservative idiots? I have been reading this thing for years and I still WANT MORE!

It's pretty sad that any thought has to be given to expanding the list beyond ten idiots, but having only ten doesn't seem to do justice to the volume of idiots each week now. Perhaps twenty's a better number, but I suppose it's really limited by how much time you guys have to spare.

Maybe if we ask really nicely ;)

From gasping and laughing at the same time.

Why not use the incredibly creepy shot of Harris staring Nosferatu-like into the camera?

Possibly this was out of consideration to any small children who may happen to see the page. Probably a wise move.

Hmmmm, last time someone said that with THAT much confidence was in 2000, by the one an only GW Bush. Remember that? Sitting on the plane with Jebby. "We're gonna win. Mark my words."

It seems that every male who cries out against homosexuals being an "abomination" is hiding his own abominable behavior. It must be a symptom of the sex offender.

Molest a teenager: Blame gay people.

I get it! Now we know how to spot sex offenders! They'll be holding bibles and spewing venom against lesbians and libruls! Warn your kids!

I used to listen to Unfiltered mop the floor with him. He sounded hysterically crazy back then, and it doesn't look as if he's lost a touch.

Handwritten? "Suck you down a sink"?

Whoever's running against him barely needs to get out of bed in the morning and they will automatically sound more sane.

a few nights ago on the daily show. they showed her declaring that not only would she run, she will WIN. and as i understand it this woman is running in the state of FL, where gw's brother is gov'nuh. i personally felt with that look and that statement that it was much like the current president who declared victory prior to elections...i am convinced - without proof, but somehow i just know that this is what it is: both gw and this skanky candidate did/will steal their elections.

and number 3:

how do i sign up for that poll? i want to see "murderous" "traitorous" "impeached" and "incarcerated" in future editions...

Mathematical proofs that throwing money at a candidate no one likes won't make enough of a difference. Katherine, we don't like you. We just don't like you!

Tuna and other fish as well, is not that safe any more. Didn't anyone tell them? And have these people ever tried to drink reconstitued dry milk?

WTH does that mean?

(It's on his website).

Very good list...

I look forward to it each and every Sunday...Thanks EarlG...

I **love** reading the Top Ten each week, it's an excellent way to kick off a Monday, when you're normally a little grumpy. Or at least I am. I always imagine the Top Ten is being performed by Lewis Black, and it makes me laugh even harder. Seriously, the writing has the same feel as Lewis' frustrated sardonic rants. It's good shit, plain and simple!

n/t

"President"

Did those polled think they were being quizzed on "who" he was?

Maybe it's not as funny as it seemed to me, because it struck me rather funny.

I loved the last few ones, though, in the October 2006 projection: please.just.impeach.him.already

Sounds like a great domain name!

that in the top six attributes people espouse to gee dubya are "good, honest, christian"