NEWS ITEM:
"Finding inspiration from God, The Last of the Mohicans and The Lord of Rings, Katherine Harris told hundreds of conservative Christians Saturday that she is "a work in progress." ... (Harris) said she never would have entered politics if she did not believe that God wanted her to make public service part of her life." -- Palm Beach Post Early March, 2006: Somewhere in Florida's 13th Congressional District, a telephone rings... KATHERINE HARRIS: Hello?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Hello, Katherine? Katherine Harris?
KATHERINE HARRIS: This is Katherine Harris. Who is this?
(Brief pause.)UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Hi, Katherine. Yeah, um.
(Clears throat.) This is God.
KATHERINE HARRIS: God? That can't be right. God doesn't usually call on the telephone. Does he? I mean you?
GOD: Well, how else would you expect me to call?
KATHERINE HARRIS: I don't know. A white fluffy cloud. Or a dream or something.
GOD: It's the 21st century, Katherine. Can I call you Katherine? It's the 21st century. Clouds aren't necessary now that we have telephones. And parting the heavens is too conspicuous for this kind of one-on-one conversation. I actually did try to contact you in a dream, but it's very difficult with you taking that Ambien. One of the side-effects of that stuff is that it makes it very hard to receive divine messages.
(Chuckles.) Well, at least you aren't binge eating or driving your car in your sleep.
KATHERINE HARRIS: I don't get it.
GOD: You don't read the newspapers much, do you?
KATHERINE HARRIS: Not really, No.
(Thinks for a moment.) How did you know I was taking sleeping pills?
GOD: I'm God. I know all.
KATHERINE HARRIS:
(Thinks some more.) But you don't sound like God.
GOD: How so?
KATHERINE HARRIS: You sound like a Jew from New York City.
GOD:
(Coughs violently.)KATHERINE HARRIS: What's the matter? Was it something I said?
GOD: Jesus was a Jew, you know.
KATHERINE HARRIS: No he was not. How is that possible? Everyone knows Jesus was a Christian.
GOD: Actually, Jesus was Jewish. As a matter of fact, I think he's right here. Hey, Jesus, could you come to the phone for a moment? Ow!
(GOD's muffled voice, barely audible over the telephone, says, "What the fuck did you do that for?") KATHERINE HARRIS: Hello? Is everything okay?
(Brief but unintelligible arguing.)DIFFERENT UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Hi, Katherine. This is Jesus.
KATHERINE HARRIS: Now wait a minute. Jesus?
JESUS: Yes, it's me all right. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. And to let you know that I really am Jewish.
KATHERINE HARRIS: Your voice sounds really familiar.
JESUS: Right. Well, it was great to talk to you. Here's God again. Hey, Dad?
GOD: See, I told you he was Jewish. And the New York accent is very easy to explain, too. You see, I live in New York. I'm God, after all, and New York is the capital of the world. Where do you expect me to live, Zolfo Springs?
KATHERINE HARRIS: Zolfo Springs! What a silly name! Is that in Heaven?
GOD: Actually it's in Florida's 13th Congressional District.
KATHERINE HARRIS:
(Silence.) GOD: That's your district.
KATHERINE HARRIS: I knew that! Of course I knew that!
GOD: Listen, Katherine. I hear you've been having some difficulties with your Senate campaign. You're having a tough time raising money. All your senior advisers have left. Your poll numbers are tanking. You took thousands of dollars of illegal contributions from the guy who bribed Randy Cunningham. Everyone in the Florida Republican Party is telling you to quit the race.
KATHERINE HARRIS: It's true. I don't know what to do.
(Begins sobbing.)GOD: Here's what you're going to do. You're going to stay in the race. You might say you're being called by God --
literally -- into a life of public service. Of all the millions of people in Florida, you're the person I've picked to run.
KATHERINE HARRIS: But how can I possibly win? Bill Nelson has $10 million in the bank, and everyone
likes him.
GOD: Everyone likes you, too. You have at least... um...
two very compelling qualities. Both of those qualities are very, very... um... abundant.
KATHERINE HARRIS: You really think so? Thank you. That is so sweet. They're totally paid for, too. And they look great when I'm riding on horseback. With my legs wrapped tightly around a thick, powerful stallion.
GOD: You're not as dumb as you look.
KATHERINE HARRIS: Actually, I am.
GOD: Of course you are.
KATHERINE HARRIS: But why me? Why are you making me do this when I can't possibly win?
GOD: Do you know the story of Job?
KATHERINE HARRIS: Isn't he that guy with the computers and the mock turtlenecks?
GOD: No, he's not. How about Abraham? Do you know the story of Abraham?
KATHERINE HARRIS: No.
GOD: Jesus in the wilderness?
KATHERINE HARRIS: No. I don't know that one either.
GOD: You don't really read the Bible much, either, do you?
KATHERINE HARRIS: I can name all the Bible passages that show homosexuality is an abomination.
GOD: I'm not surprised.
KATHERINE HARRIS: What?
GOD: Nothing. Here, let's try this another way. Do you like movies?
KATHERINE HARRIS: Oh, I love movies! Have you seen "Doogal" yet?
GOD: No, I haven't.
KATHERINE HARRIS: That movie is the best.
GOD: I'm sure it is. Did you see "The Lord of the Rings"? You're Frodo.
KATHERINE HARRIS: No I'm not.
GOD: It's a metaphor. You're
like Frodo. Your Senate campaign is like Frodo and the ring. Sometimes your mission in life is bigger than you are.
KATHERINE HARRIS: I think I get it now. Does it work with other movies?
GOD: Sure it does. Rent "Last of the Mohicans."
KATHERINE HARRIS: I'll do that. But what about the money?
GOD: It's only like five bucks to rent a movie.
KATHERINE HARRIS: No, I mean the money for the campaign. What about that money?
GOD: Didn't you just inherit a whole bunch of money from your father? Use that.
KATHERINE HARRIS: I'm not sure about that.
GOD: You know the story in the Bible when Jesus tells the rich young man to to get rid of everything he has because it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to go through the head of a pin?
KATHERINE HARRIS: Now wait a minute. Jesus would
never say something like that.
GOD: He did, I swear. Do you need me to get him back on the phone?
KATHERINE HARRIS: No, I believe you. I guess that settles it. I'm staying in the race.
GOD: That's my girl.
Early March, 2006: Somewhere in Washington, DC, a telephone clicks as it is hung up... SENATOR REID: You son of a bitch. I can't believe you made me get on that call.
SENATOR SCHUMER: Whatever. You'll get over it. So, do you think she's going to stay in the race?
SENATOR REID: We'll see.
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