Sorry, "Anonymous." Democratic Men Are Better in Bed. Just Ask My Wife.

Like other high-profile opinion-makers in Washington, if it's 11:00PM Monday through Thursday, my TV will -- without a doubt -- be set to the cable news version of Must-See TV. I am referring, of course, to the blockbuster smash TV news juggernaut on MSNBC known as "The Situation with Tucker Carlson." Which is not to be mistaken with the "Situation Room" on CNN, which is crap. According to its own website, "The Situation with Tucker Carlson" has the singular virtue of being very, very fast. In fact, they say "The show is so fast, it's changing the pace of news." In news industry jargon, this unprecedented change in news "fastness" is universally referred to as the "Tucker Carlson effect," and it has sent shockwaves through the entire news business, from the mighty New York Times down to the lowly blogs, all of which are now extremely fast. This has forced the producers of "The Situation with Tucker Carlson" to respond in kind with even greater increases in fastness, to the point where it is now just a blue-tinted blur with a bow tie hanging ominously in the middle of the TV screen.

Fortunately, I was jacked up on speed Wednesday night, so I was capable of super-human feats of perception. The typical hyper-fast presentation of "The Situation with Tucker Carlson" appeared to slow down to a much more tolerable speed which would allow mere mortals to decipher its arcane secrets. And what I found was shocking.

Tucker Carlson's guest was Michael Hainey, the Deputy Editor of GQ, who shared the findings of an anonymous female writer in his magazine who declared that Republican men are better than Democratic men in the sack. If you're a Democrat like me (and maybe even if you are a Republican), your reaction to this piece of news was probably similar to that of a member of this very website, who responded in typical Democratic Underground understatement: "OMG... PUKE!!! GQ Magazine says repukes better in bed, WTF?!?"

OMG PUKE WTF, indeed.

At that moment I resolved to find this offending article, read it, and then expose it as yet another outrageous fraud perpetrated by Karl Rove to smear patriotic Democratic males as wimpy, pathetic metrosexuals.

My suspicions were reinforced by the ridiculous specimen of a man that Rove hand-picked to present the story on Tucker Carlson's show, and who is apparently himself a Democrat. I can promise you that Michael Hainey has never chopped wood, watched NASCAR, or farted in his entire life. But he has apparently been known to have stuck his finger in an electrical socket on occasion:



After searching the Internet in vain for an hour or so to try to find a copy of the article, I at last gave up and decided to walk to my friendly neighborhood newsstand to procure a hard copy of the April 2006 GQ magazine. I am not an avid reader of GQ, but I seem to remember that they usually had pictures of men on the cover. So imagine my surprise when I saw this:



Want to see it even bigger? Go ahead, click the picture. It's okay. Nobody is watching.

Since I am an American male who also happens to have a mailing address, I immediately recognized the woman on the cover. I do not know her name, or if she has a name, but I do know that she is mailed to my home every few weeks, embarrassment-free, courtesy of the Victoria's Secret company. And then she is mysteriously removed from the stack of mail before my wife even knows that she has arrived in our home. She does not need to know. I love my wife dearly, but it's really better that she not be involved in this.

So there I was, standing in the newsstand, and I immediately became nervous because it crossed my mind that the cashier behind the counter, upon seeing the image of a half-naked woman on the magazine cover, would conclude that I was purchasing pornography. Or worse he might think I'm buying one of those ridiculous men's magazines with names like "Stuff," "Loaded," and "Maxim" which are kinda like pornography, except without all that distracting nudity. Furthermore, this was the newsstand in my own neighborhood and you never know who might see me there. (This is why I usually drive way, way out to the suburbs when I am purchasing pornography.) After a few moments of paralysis, I finally built up enough courage to pick up the magazine and walk over to the cashier. He took my money, and started to reach for the dreaded "opaque black plastic bag" which is the bag they use when you are buying pornography because the magazine cover doesn't show through. Determined to show the world that 1) I was not embarrassed, and 2) I was not purchasing pornography, I told the cashier that I did not need a bag. I carried the magazine out of the store, bag-free, although I did hold it with the front cover facing inward so nobody could see it. Fortunately, the back cover was a rather non-offensive credit card advertisement.

When I arrived at the office, I sat down at my desk and began to inspect the cover of the magazine more closely. I was dismayed to see a teaser on the cover referring to "The New Christian Sex Craze," and for a moment I feared that perhaps the anonymous author might be right about Republicans. I thought that the evangelical wing of the Republican party was my ace-in-the-hole, with their uncontrollable Falwellian impulse to ban abortion, contraception, sex toys, skirts that show too much ankle, and any form of sex that involves the tool of Satan known as "female pleasure."

I was much relieved to open the magazine and find out that "The New Christian Sex Craze" is actually known as "Saving It For Jesus," which sounds a whole lot to me like the Old Christian Sex Craze. At least GQ has a sense of humor. They've got one article about Republicans being great in bed, and another in the same issue about how they're not actually going to bed. Except to sleep. At which point the Christian bestseller Every Man's Battle claims that they might experience (in the words of GQ), "a cycle that occurs roughly every seventy-two hours and often ends in a viscous nocturnal discharge onto the sheets and blankets of their bunks. These rhythmic spasms are nothing to fear..."

Gee, "anonymous," you really nailed it. These guys are sexual Gods. I particularly like the part of the article that describes them taping a piece of white paper to the cover of GQ to cover up the photograph of Jennifer Anniston. They claim that they enjoy the magazine "for its helpful dress tips and lively arts reviews" (lively arts reviews?) but they are "troubled by its cover shots." I bet these pantywaists read Playboy for the articles. Zing! Take that!

Scoreboard: Me 1, Republican Pantywaists 0.

Democrats are on a roll. But wait, there's more. Let's go to the lightning round...

New York: Democrat
Los Angeles: Democrat
Miami: Democrat
San Francisco: Democrat
South Dakota, Mississippi, Utah: Republican, Republican, Republican
Banning Sex Toys: Republican
Banning Sodomy: Republican
Banning Abortion: Republican
Banning Contraception: Republican
Banning Adultery: Republican
Bashing Gays: Republican
Bashing Women: Republican
Susan Sarandon, Sheryl Crow, Dixie Chicks: Democrat, Democrat, Democrats
Gopher from "The Love Boat," Tony from "Who's the Boss?": Republican, Republican

Lightning Round Score: Democrats 19, Republicans 0. This is like shooting fish in a barrel.

But I was still troubled by anonymous's candid take on the current state of Red v. Blue America, bed-ways. So I decided to take this dispute all the way to the top. To the one person who could settle, once and for all, who is the best. My wife.

So I called her office and asked her the question. After telling me that she was "in a meeting" and that she "can't talk now," I finally convinced her to answer the question. "It's Democrats, right? Democrats are better, right?" I asked. Let the record show that the answer was, and I quote, "Sure, honey. Whatever you say."

Furthermore, I can verify -- contrary to the claims made by anonymous in her article -- that my wife has, on occasion, said that I am "so big" and also that "no, really, three-and-a-half inches is actually very big, I swear."

Read it and weep, Republicans.

Every day brings another incredible post! Keep 'em coming! ;)

edit: sp.

This post may be bordering on (*gasp*) a sex thread! ;) :evilgrin:

Why would they use that name for a web site?

Sounds fishy to me...

some girls like it that wide.

Usually, it's someone spamming me and who doesn't know that I absolutely, positively, and resolutely DO NOT need a penile implant or some of THOSE PILLS. Neither does my husband.

In earlier years, I once tried to measure him FULLY EXTENDED, just for curiosity's sake. I thought a metal yardstick would work, but it was a very cold night in Boston. (Didn't have one of those soft, sewing tape measures.)

So, about how wide is a woman's hand stretched out?

Here's the lucky dude whose MIND I respect more than the size of his EQUIPMENT! He must have a very big BRAIN underneath all that skin!

My father is 76 years old. He could be one of Saddam's lookalikes (which has nothing to do with this story). Anyway, my father is a cancer survivor of 8 years. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He underwent radiation treatments for 8-1/2 weeks plus quarterly female hormone shots. The tumor is still there but the cancer is gone. Okay, here is where it gets funny . . .

The doctor asked my father if he needed some Viagra if he was having any problems with that part of his and my mother's relationship. He looked at the doctor and said, "Well doc, I look at it like this, I've had a good run and if it was meant to keep working it would, so no I'm not interested in any sex pills.

That same year after his radiation he had a quadruple bypass, right carotid artery surgery, left carotid artery surgery, and they found abdominal aortic aneurysms. Needless to say, it wasn't a very good year. The doctors told him that he had to cut back on the biscuits and gravy and canned apple butter.

My dad took it all in strides. He said, "Well, they made me quit smoking when I was 50 (he had a heart attack when he was 50), they made me quit drinking when I was around 60, I quit having sex when I was 70, and now that I'm almost 80, they want to take away the only thing I have left that I enjoy."

That has been the hardest for him. Eating healthier has been a real struggle and he is not doing very well as far as losing weight. Six months ago he had congestive heart failure and had to be put on a respirator. They drained all the fluid and put him on home oxygen. He never used the oxygen at home; however, he would use it when he went out shopping at Wal-mart for their groceries. He looks forward to riding around Wal-Mart and talking to everyone.

His doctor told him he should wear the oxygen at night because a lot of people die in their sleep because of sleep apnea and congestive heart failure. Well, dad looked at the doc and said, "Doc, isn't that the way most everyone wants to go" and the doc laughed. My dad did add . . . I just don't want to do it now. I enjoy living too much! We want him with us forever as well.

Please click here.

just shoot me now, please.

Angelina Jolie. I just saw Angelina in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

On edit: Adriana Lima? Never heard of her.

(P.S. Gee, I wonder if I could have made the cover of GQ in 1956 if I had chosen a less modest bathing suit!)

You was right up my alley!

You're in Boston? And are you really a doctor? Yep, right up my alley, too. I used to be single and lived on Commonwealth Avenue in Brighton, Massachusetts while doing a talk radio show on WEEI-AM and then WMEX-AM. (But it was probably before you were born.) Then to Sudbury, MA for almost thirty years. (Oh, maybe that was YOU who gave me the finger on the Mass Pike when I passed you up in my little Mitsubishi!)

Now married for 33 years to a guy born in Brockton, Massachusetts. We emigrated to the west to get out of snow country, USA because he hated the winters.

In peace -- on a mostly sunny day in Portland, Oregon!

Radio_Lady

:rofl:

The fundies probably WILL go after that next. Bunch of yayhoos.

that next to the last paragraph really fits into the "Too Much Information" category there Skinner

unless she was talking about Romeo.

D'OH! of COURSE! she was talking about Romeo wasn't she?

wait.... Don't answer that, it would just be WAY too much information!


:rofl:

glad you took the time out to fight for us democratic men in bed, haha. Tucker Carlson is a nasty turd, i could go worse but i will respect the environment.

I can tell you without a doubt that conservative men are selfish, ego driven, uncreative, uncaring, and boring in bed.

I guess some doormat women like that sort of thing. I didn't.

A tiny bit later the same was still true in the early 70's. Boooooorinnnnnng.

Skinner, this is a hoot. Love it.

ummm. my friend told me.

... I can say, from lamentably limited experience, that conservative women seem to come (no pun intended) in two categories: {1} those who indolently seek to profit from another's labors and then shift the blame (or take the credit) and {2} those who, clearly based on arid experiences solely with conservative men, say "Omigod! How did you learn to do THAT!?!?!" I'm 100% of the opinion that collaborative (pun definitely intended) and communicative liberal women are better partners in bed, on the sofa, on the floor, in the back seat, and under the stars - not to mention all other manner of cooperative life pursuits.

:rofl: *Superintendent Chalmers voice* SKINNER!!! That's priceless. And Dems are MUCH better in bed. I've never slept with a Repuke and NEVER will. College friends of mine have told me horror stories about having sex with Reagan Republicans.

Tell your wife 3.5 inches is a great circumference and that she's a lucky woman. :D

my day has already been made.

Great write.

I am sending this everywhere.

Thanks.

and for real - as soon as I enlarged the "cover shot" my boss walked by. Dammit Skinner, you said no one was looking. :grr:


beautiful post. :toast:

edit - crap - 18k posts later you think I could post off the OP, not in thread. oh well.

No doubt she's well paid by her republican customers who come to town for conventions and walk on the wild side in the evenings. Paid to say republicans are better? A consistent message no doubt. Just like they are honest and christian.

On a personal note, I'm known to my Wife as her Stallion, Diamondcutter. A ripsnorting liberal!

Which brings me to ask the question:

Wild, uninhibited, liberal women OR Dowdy, frustrated, one-position, fertility timing, republican women.


---------------

"...it is now just a blue-tinted blur with a bow tie hanging ominously in the middle of the TV screen." HA

We should be so lucky!

Thanks for the post!

I didn't think there was such a thing as bad sex until I turned 23. That was the age I first slept with a republican. It was a dull and trying experience. I believe in the heat of passion, she started screaming quotes from Ayn Rand, and moments before falling asleep, she called me her 'ubermensch', but overall, it was a very unsatisfying ordeal. I'd liken it to necrophilia, but I can't imagine dead people being so cold and inconsiderate.

(on edit - never mind - tmi!!)

:spray: :rofl: :spray: :rofl: :spray: :rofl: :spray: :rofl: :spray: :rofl: :spray: :rofl:

Thank God I was alone in the office. Thanks for making me laugh so hard.

And as a woman who dated Republicans and Democrats I can assure my fellow DUers...Republicans suck in bed - BIG TIME!!!. Once they had their 3 minutes (if you are very, very lucky), they don't bother with making sure that the woman is satisfied. Of course, they think it was great...they got what THEY wanted.

As long as their needs are satisfied, no need to satisfy anyone else - after all, there's no such thing as "the public good".

And based on a small but select non-random qualitative assessment from back in the day, I have to agree - Dems are better in the sack. I think it's that "caring about others" thing.

Conservatives: what about me?

Liberals: what about them her?

been there, done that. I'll take a DEM any day of the week.

had a 50% more chance of becoming pregnant if there was orgasm. Now, this idiot went on and on about "Of course, there has to be an orgasm, how else would the sperm get up there." On and on about how stupid someone, obviously a liberal, who wrote this article. It never occurred to the lard head that they were talking about the "woman" having an orgasm. I was dying. I thought someone please tell this man women have orgasms too . . . well, some do anyway. It really depends on the skills and the partner's listening abilities. Obviously, he has never been with one or experienced the woman having one. He came back after a break and Mr. Snerdly (whatever his name is) had explained it to the genius. Then he started going on about the woman's orgasm like he had heard of a brand new concept or something.

Basically, the article was stating (we're all adults here, right?) that if the woman comes to orgasm the same time the man ejaculates the sperm, that her vagina and cervix has spasms which help the sperm move faster to their hopeful destination. Basic biology.

However, Limpballs was in awe. No wonder he is divorced for the third time. I just figured he was impotent. He sure was when he was taking all of that OxyContin. I guess it depends on what is most important to someone. I hope I wasn't too graphic.

from Tucker's blog:

"She says of Democrats, they’re so emotional and sensitive and genuinely care about your day and how you feel and how you felt yesterday. Is there anything you need, they whimper? Oh shut up, she says."

What is there to complain about? Do Republican women prefer uncaring dolts who either ignore then or yell at them? :shrug:

(I knowingly prefer the "caring" type without having to test drive a Republican!)

Great piece!

I'm walkin' like a man now. :-D

Incidentally, I'm one of those sappy "Is there anything you need?" guys, and women have told me that's one of the things they like. I've only gotten one report comparing me (as if!) to a Repug, and my reporter concurred with the ladies here. :-)

:yourock:

:pals:

flaunt it. It is the ability to care that makes for an attentive and desirable partner. To all you DU men, be proud, strut a little if you want. Discerning women go DEM....

Have you noticed the GOP preach family values and then do things like write about beastiality, sex with kids, etc. It's that old axiom...they do to the country every day what they should be doing to their wives every night.

There are threads here periodically, summarizing long lists of GOPerverts and their deeds.

What yer talkin' about in re: GOPpies isn't good, wholesome, getcherrocksoff perversion, hon... it's just crime and/or bad manners.

Pedophilia is crime. Telling yer wife yer ditching her for a newer model while she's lying in her hospital bed recovering from chemo is BAD MANNERS.

Both bear no resemblance to joyful kink. REAL perverts (the kind who deal in informed, mutual consent between adults) have good manners and don't need to commit crimes. They're having too much fun playing games together.

clarifyingly,
Bright

Perverted is using the whole chicken

keep UP the good work :-)

it's obvious she got some sort of sick fetish for pastey, bloated, jowly types. If that's what floats your boat anonymous, I'm happy not to be in the competition.

that's the funniest thing i've read in weeks!

thanks!

And truthful. You're far out in front, Skinner. Thanks for the laughs.

My wife prefers it that wide.


Badabing!!!!

(Not my proudest moment - in fact, what was I thinking??!!)

Anyway, I think he took steroids. His penis was quite small and sometimes
didn't get too hard. The relationship fizzled. But there is a happy
ending for me...I married a Democratic stallion who rocks my world!

Awesome! I am saving this one for Mrs. McLargehuge!

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!!!

Great post!!!

Thanks.

But, when I got to the description of the article of "The New Christian Sex Craze" and read:

"I was much relieved to open the magazine and find out that "The New Christian Sex Craze" is actually known as "Saving It For Jesus," which sounds a whole lot to me like the Old Christian Sex Craze. At least GQ has a sense of humor."

Just too damn funny and apparently true.

Berkeley study:"How to spot a baby Conservative"-yes, they're the WHINERS!

Sure makes sense to me. Note that this report on the study was published in CANADA (The Toronto Star) though it is a US study. Surprised?



Posted in this thread:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x740839
thread title (3-24-06 GD): Berkeley study:"How to spot a baby Conservative"-yes, they're the WHINERS!

You are right, I've been married to a republican and a democrat. The democrat wins all around. :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

That's funny! :rofl:

get off, that's all that matters, right? No concern at all for their partner. Just a typical Republican trait.

Well done! :rofl: :applause: :yourock:

However, this isn't a controlled study unless your wife has also slept with a repuke, and I know she hasn't.

I don't want to know that Republicans are worse in bed, although I used to be naive and probably dated one or two unknowingly (and wondering why I was gettting the short end of the stick!)

But, but, but... he stayed home and cleaned the house while Angela went to work at her big bad advertising job!

My world just fell apart...

Quality stuff, Skinner.

You represented Dem males well.

A. They have screwed everyone on Earth, over the past six years!
B. They are favored by the drug companies about 3 to 1, when it comes to the drug companies handing out money and VIAGRA!
C. Almost every Republican I ever knew, or heard tell of, was a shameless WHORE of some kind!
D. Everyone knows that a republican will go down on anyone for a dollar.
E. AND THIS IS THE BIGGIE...EVERYONE KNOWS, that Bush is a normal republican, when it comes to lying. They ALL lie every time they open their mouth. One republican will lie and every other republican on the planet, will swear to it and say that, that is without a doubt the GOSPEL TRUTH! So when the repubs brag about being the best in bed, it's probably a lie, like everything else that they say is lies.
F. All Of The Above.
G. None of the above including all of the above.


Now this stupid question of late, on the lips of every republican on the planet, betrays once and for all, their myth about who is more desirable in bed. }(

"If you never did anything nasty, why would you care if the NSA is spying on you?" :shrug:
My answer to the repub neonutcases is..."Ask your mamma if I've done anything nasty lately!" :bounce:
That's right...ASK YO MAMMA, YOU "FAITHFUL FOOL!" :bounce:
Just don't expect an honest answer, if yo mamma is a republican! :rofl:

Ahem, I mena, the good work, that is!

Just woke up and read this, talk about starting the day with a smile. :)

See above.

I believe this issue is settled.

with Republicans? That's almost more irrational, illogical, and thoughtless than being a Repuke. I mean really, would you rather vote for some scumbag, or bump uglies with a scumbag. That is an easy choice for me. My vote probably doesn't count.

Ewww. Just ewww.

ChimpyMcSmirkers, I made out with a guy who I assume now was a Repuke (I don't know what I was thinking; he was in the ROTC, I think. Hey, we all make mistakes. It was freshman year in college). He must have been sexually repressed because he started to get all hot and bothered and then "had to go." Yeah, definitely a Repuke. ChimpyMcSmirkers, on the other hand, all Dem and allllllllll....that implies!? :)

Democratic women are better in bed too -- and much more worth the effort being good for...

Great piece!

"CAUTION!DO NOT READ WHILE INGESTING LIQUIDS OR FOOD"

NOT the hokey pokey?

Why do I suddenly fear that this is the bottom line? (no pun intended)

for 35 years, but before we met in the era of "make love, not war", i had many lovers. now i'm assuming that they were democrats because it was the vietnam era and i didn't really associate with anyone who wasn't part of the movement. they were all pretty good in bed. i also slept with 2 israeli guys, one who had fought in the '67 war. they were "okay" in bed, but i've had better.:dem:

Schooled in politics, comedy, scientific research, and common sense. Good stuff! By the way, Democratic women are a hell of a lot better in bed too. Must be something about being less inhibited and more intelligent! Bravo, Skinner!

in bed. :crazy:

My experience says the opposite. The best damn eyes rolling in the back of your head, take you to another plane of existence lovers are D's.

Way to put things into perspective.

So are things so bad that the only fallback position 'Republicans' have is, "Yeah, - but we're better in bed!"?

Nice.

They're a complete turn-off.

Three and a half inches? you must be taking Enzite!

I would like to know from the researcher if she actually asked for party afiliations and as any good researcher would do, try a high enough sample to make the right judgement.

Where do this repubs come with this wacky crap from?

Have you ever heard of "a good piece of elephant"?


Great piece Skinner! :rofl:

For all of you who doubt Skinner's wisdom, take the following simple, but effective test:

1) Sam Brownback (R) or Barack O'Bama (D)?

2) Tom Delay (R) or Howard Dean (D)?

3) James Dobson (R) or Al Franken (D)?

Dems win, 3-0. Nuff said.

Vive la France!!

it's kind of (inappropriately) touching in a way

I mean, come on. Someone did that in the green room to be funny. That's gotta be a joke.

From what I read of this article Republican men come across as heartless and not caring. This women come across as a women who does not want to be loved or cared about. This women actually exposed the Republican men for the hypocrites we always said they were. In public they talk about how they love their wives and how much their marriages mean to them, but then in private they show that they could care less about the feeling of their wives. Lets not forget that from the way this women writes she is have an affair with either one or more married Republican. At one point the women says that she do not have to deal with Republican men caring about how much they are hurting their wives are families. I do not think Democratic men should cheat on their wives, but at least this article shows that Democratic men seem to realize the damage they are doing to their spouses and their families. Not so with Republicans. So by writing this article this women proves Democrats are actually better in bed. They at least make better partners.

Oh my God. I'm SO close to donating.

I can sort of see this - they like to fuck everything else.

what the ^*#$&^%&*@##$% is up with your using the Republican diminunative "Democrat"? We are DEMOCRATIC men, just as they are republican (well, sorta men) not Republic men.

come on, you went and spoiled a brilliant thing for me! Fight the memes! fight the memes!

I don't like it how NASCAR always gets associated with Republicans. Chopping wood, yes. Farting, well..

In conclusion, I don't know who is better- but the fact that you took it so seriously makes you seem insecure- chicks don't go for that. You gotta play it cool man. I never met a guy who talked his way into a girl's pants.... well I take that back. Still. Us real men don't need to talk about it.

That was fucking hilarious man! lol