THE IRAQ STUDY GROUP SAVES THE DAY

Just when you thought that Iraq was spinning completely out of control, beyond the capacity of Man or God to restore any semblance of sanity, hope is on the way.

Although it has largely flown under the radar, the Iraq Study Group, authorized by Congress to address the problem of Iraq-Tile Dysfunction, is on the verge of issuing its much-anticipated report. Well, this reporter has gotten an advance copy of the draft proposals put forth by their distingushed members. Let's take a look, shall we:

James Baker: The Co-Chair of the panel and long-time Consiglierie to the Bush Family has proposed that all prior elections be voided, the party who received less votes -- the Sunnis -- should take power, and that all future leaders be chosen by family succession.

Vernon Jordan: His top recommendation is to place Monica Lewinsky as an intern to Sunni insurgents: "if they're getting blown, perhaps they won't have time to blow things up." Mr. Jordan added: "Besides, she can't keep her mouth shut any which way, so this could be our best source of intelligence."

Rudy Giuliani: The former New York City Mayor and 9/11 hero believes the key to Iraqi security and stability is getting the "squeegee clerics" off the streets: "Everyone knows squeeges are a gateway weapon to suicide bombs and IEDs." Giuliani also emphasized: "why would you need a clean windshield anyway if your whole damn vehicle is getting blown away." Giuliani is also lobbying for the appointment of Bernard Kerik to oversee this project, from his new living quarters in one of Saddam's palatial palaces.

Sandra Day O'Connor: "Madam Justice Split-the-Difference" has the perfect solution to sectarian violence: "all Sunnis must marry Shia, and vice-versa, so that future generations are of mixed marriages and less likely to mutilate each other." In addition, in order to navigate a compromise between the fundamentalists and seculars, O'Connor would allow depictions of the prophet Mohammed in the public square, as long as he is swigging an ice cold beer.

Chuck Robb: Former governor and senator, Vietnam vet, and son-in-law of LBJ, proposes "Vietnamization" of the war to defeat the insurgency: "Hey, if there's anyone crazier than those Islamic radicals, it's those black-pajama-clad commies crawling out of their tunnels, so let's turn the war over to them."