Bush Vows to pay Closer Attention to needs of Non-Presidents

WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to recent polls suggesting that he has lost touch with the average American, President Bush vowed Monday to pay closer attention to the needs of non-presidents.


Above: Bush meets with four non-presidents in a Camden, NJ packaging plant.

"Perhaps, in the past, I've been somewhat lax in addressing the day-to-day problems of the nation's non-presidents," Bush said during a White House press conference. "Well, that's about to change. I hereby pledge to hear and heed the concerns of non-chief-executives—a group of people who are very valuable to our country, in their own way, even if it's not always readily apparent how."

Bush has charged his staff of 50 with the task of helping him learn more about the nation's many non-commanders-in-chief.

"From here on out, I will do my best to address the needs of this group of upstanding Americans who, I'm told, are part of a proud non-presidential tradition that stretches back hundreds of years in this country," Bush said. "To this end, I have appointed a blue-ribbon fact-finding committee to look into the issues of non-presidents and find out what their jets are named, how their staffs are performing, and how they're handling increased pressure from the media during this election year."

Of particular concern to Bush are the ways in which the sluggish economy is affecting the average non-head-of-state. He said he's curious to know how non-presidents are responding to the rising costs of television-campaign ads, whether their donations from special-interest groups have dropped in number, and how much money they are able to set aside for foreign invasions.

The Onion is pretty good this week!

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4019&n=1