A Christmas Prayer for the Republican Jesus

Father in heaven we pray to you this Christmas and ask that you help us to rid this world of those long haired, sandal wearing liberals who walk around and preach about peace in the Middle East and helping the poor and all that nonsense. We know that you were not like that our dear lord Jesus, you were more the type that wanted to bomb, torture, and starve the civilians in that wretched part of the world. Lets not talk about that war anymore now though Jesus, because whenever we start talking about Iraq the bleeding hearts start screaming, instead we must talk about a much more deadly war that is being fought on our own soil: the War on Christmas. Now the liberals will claim that the War on Christmas is a distraction from the real issues facing this country, but we know not to listen to them. This was a war that was brought to our attention by a real Christian named Bill O’Reilly. Jesus this man has helped spread positive moral values to people across the country, he gave those of us who oppose birth control some great advice by teaching us that sex with falafels does not lead to unwanted pregnancies so we can get our jollies on without violating holy scripture. After all sex with ethnic food is not really sex, and we can still stand by our pledge to abstain from sex until marriage so grab me some falafel and let me get lucky in the name of the Lord. Anyways Lord Jesus, before I get to my falafel I must address this war on Christmas you see Lord not only do people not say the word Christmas enough but they actually have the nerve to mention other holidays. People don’t spend nearly as much money on other holidays as they do on Christmas though Lord, and we need to help our Dear Leader’s approval numbers rise with the economy. That is why we have made Christmas into a day in which we send billions of dollars to the executives of Wal-Mart while the poor can not afford to feed their families, because we know those are the values that the Bible teaches us. After all the billionaires obviously worked hard to get where they are today, while those who work two jobs at minimum wage are obviously lazy and they need to lift themselves up by their bootstraps. Now the liberals yell and scream when we bring up this basic fact Lord, and they scream and tell us to look at our Dear Leader who they claim takes too many vacations. Our Dear Leader just happens to have some “hard work” that needs to be done at his ranch though Lord, he works so hard that he even takes the time to milk the male horses. And when he is not milking the male horses Lord, he is hard at work preserving the sanctity of marriage. You see Lord there are some gay people who want to get married, this is a serious issue Lord as our Dear Senator Santorum tells us this could lead to man on dog action, and we only approve of man on horse action Lord. I must go play with my falafel now lord, but I pray to you this Christmas and ask that you bring about a quick rapture so everyone dies except for us holy people. Because we know truly moral people wish everyone else would die, in Jesus name amen.

On-point satire. :applause:

:7

Because if I go to hell for writing this at least I know I made someone laugh before I experienced eternal damnation.

:rofl:
Welcome to DU,BjohnsonMN! :toast:

"...and ask that you bring about a quick rapture so everyone dies except for us holy people."

It should read, "...and ask that you bring about a quick rapture so everyone dies in barbaric ways and excruciating pain except for us holy people."

If it makes you feel any better I will let you know that the flames of hell are going to come up from beneath the Earth and slowly burn you while vultures fly down from the skies to peck out your eyes. Have a nice day, and god bless you and god bless our dear leader.

working really well without any battery failures or loose wires.

Oh just thinking about that makes me want to get back to my falafel.

Oh JEEEESSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Very entertaining... although I'm sure you meant every word.

That is why tommorow I will be giving horseback riding a new meaning.

Ride em Cowboy!

Time for some right-wing loving.

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

Welcome to DU.
:toast:

Except of course those damn Iraqis, the people on death row, the people who live next to our pollution spewing industries, and those people who get in the crossfire of the assault weapons we love so much, and anyone else who is beyond the fetus stage. Dammit we saved millions of stem cells and that makes up for all the other people who died because of our policies.

i think what most muslims disagree with is the bastardisation of the christian message into what it has become today

they don't want to hurt you for your belief in kermit, there are very few muslims that want to harm anything on this earth, stop listening to the propaganda, but instead might be angered by the continued ignorance and hypocrisy of a society that actively rewards and aspires to be just like a multinational corporation having their footwear made for them by child wage slaves at barely enough to live on being sold at extortionate prices, thereby increasing the demand for child labour and ultimately a shitty life in utter poverty. but that's ok right? i mean as long as you dont have to see it?

like guantenamo bay right? eeeeurgh

i mean i know the stuff goes on but who wants to face up to the hypocrisy right?

maybe not just muslims but most rational people around the world would look at your records of human rights abuses, by your governments/corporations and decide your not really a law abiding well-digging food distribution center building nation, but because you buy the shoes, you condone the practice, and actually perpetuate it

you forgot to ask the questions behind WHY these people needed a well digging and WHY they needed a food distribution centre??

hmmmm?

maybe because of trade restrictions and sanctions/years of civil war thrust upon them by largely "christian" nations hiding behind the name of "christianity" in order to keep them poor

i'm actually surprised you didn't call them evil-do'ers you completely ignorant person

keep watching tv, keep telling yourself your the good guy

maybe if you get 5 minutes and it isnt too much of a culture shock for you, you'd like to take a look at your record as christians and real motives here >> http://www.craigslist.org/sby/pol/115776709.html

and then consider this poem :D maybe it will wake you up to a new meaning of christmas and christianity, who knows, i personally believe all religions are tools for controlling the masses, except paganism of course, which doesn't ask for "blind" unquestioning faith in the face of startling evidence to the contrary, but just makes sense :D

All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants' windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
As the sky darkens and freezes
Will be gathering around the hearths and tables
Giving thanks for God's graces
And the birth of the rebel Jesus

Well they call him by 'the Prince of Peace'
And they call him by 'the Savior'
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
And they fill his churches with their pride and gold
As their faith in him increases
But they've turned the nature that I worship in
From a temple to a robber's den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when Christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why there are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

But pardon me if I have seemed
To take the tone of judgement
For I've no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In a life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel Jesus


after all, if they have managed to make you think your a "good christian", it shouldn't be too hard to convince you that muslims are your enemy now should it?

seems an awful lot of good christians forget that their idol was born in the middle east, not a white man as your church now paints him, amongst the most horrid oppression from overseer's, he saw that the money lenders were in the temple and saw that it was bad... any bells ringing here?

before i go bro, just consider some wise words

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

Hermann Goering, Nazi quote:
Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country ...

Adolf Hitler, Nazi quote:
All propaganda must be so popular and on such an intellectual level, that even the most stupid of those toward whom it is directed will understand it... Through clever and constant application of propaganda, people can be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise.

And welcome to DU!

I bet you have good hair.

I wuz gonna keep spendin money on colleg edumications for my kids, but they don't need no librul schoolin. Suddenly, I want to send ALL my money to To Reverend Big Johnson O8)

Put this in paragraph form and e-mail to the world. This prayer is HUGH!!111!!!!!1111

I went too Bob Jones Yunivercity and they touht me tat da werlt were kreated in sefen days. Now I am smert.

I am sendin you a check if I can git a auto-graffed copie of one of yer falafels!

*swoon*

"last munth I culdn't even spel grajuet...now I are one."

All us right-wing Christian fundamentalists have to do is ask for forgiveness and we will be saved. Time to go take my oxycontin and meet my gay male prostitute friend at the White House, have a nice day.