RNC 2004 Convention: Tentative Schedule

Our county website, orangedems.org is in development. Somebody posted this as a filler.

Enjoy! :D

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2004 RNC TENTATIVE CONVENTION SCHEDULE

6:00pm - Opening Saudi flag waving ceremony accompanied by selections from Wagner, and an exciting prayer-off between Jerry Fallwell and Pat Robertson. Cheer loud for your favorite prayer to our Lord and Savior!

6:30pm - Workshop "How to be a chickenhawk" Hosted by the VP with special appearances by Armey, DeLay, Rove and the CinC! Delegates are encouraged to bring a pen and paper as we discuss 10 exciting strategies designed to smear real heroes. In addition, learn winning techniques on how to avoid service to your country and get paid doing so!

6:40pm - Saudi Prince Bandar proposes a toast.

6:50pm - John Ashcroft will address the convention on the theme: "Destroying the Constitution to Preserve It". All delegates will want to be in their seats for this moving topic.

7:00pm - Tribute theme to the "Separate but Equal" South. Please have your Confederate flags ready to show your love of your 'heritage'. (wink wink)

7:10pm - Collect offerings for Eric Rudolph Defense Fund.

7:25pm - Army Reserve Staff Sgt. Ivan 'the Terrible Chip' Frederick describes the hard work being done to 'win hearts and minds' of the Iraqi people. Be sure to give him your support!

7:45pm - Moment of silence for Strom Thurmond. (Tribute by Trent Lott)

8:25pm - Saudi King Fahd proposes a toast.

8:30pm - Corporate corruption workshop (Hosted by Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling) Learn how whistle-blowing terrorists can harm American business.

9:00pm - Gay bashing ceremony. We still need volunteers!

9:30pm - * Intermission *

10:00pm - Saudi flag waving ceremony No. 2. (raised on 50 foot oil well rig)

10:15pm - Tribute to President Bush and his Guard service. We still need some props for this event, please email us if you can bring a six pack of beer and volleyball. Note: No actual military hardware is required. Thank you!

10:30pm - The Honorable Anton Scalia will address the assembled delegates on 'Why MY Vote Counts' and address the dangers of freedom in the post 9/11 era.

10:40pm - Rush Limbaugh talks about the War on Drugs and the need to control abuse of prescription drugs by our youth. An as yet unamed guest speaker from the CIA will discuss exciting investment opportunities in Afghan pharmaceuticals!

10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to Saudi Arabia.

11:00pm - Tribute to the beating and killing of Matthew Shepard. Please have your 'Fags will burn in hell' signs at the ready! If you find the use of the word 'fag' offensive, a 'God hates Gays' sign will suffice.

11:15PM - Maximizing government rip-offs workshop. Learn how to turn the worlds suffering into cold hard cash, all at the expense of the US taxpayer. (Hosted by Halliburton and the Carlyle Group).

11:30pm - The Honorable Clarence Thomas will address the delegates on the exciting possibility of making the Bible our 28th Amendment to the Constitution.

11:45PM - George W. Bush formally accepts the nomination of the party for President. Shortly afterwards Bush will acknowledge his position as the strong arm of the Almighty here on earth.

12:00pm - Closing ceremonies. As you are exiting please be sure to tread upon one of the many copies of the Constitution we will have strategically placed upon the convention floor.

This is very very funny.

the GOP convention schedule:
7:30: Pat Boone opens the festivities with rousing renditions of "Isn't That A Shame" and "Say It Loud -- I'm White and I'm Proud".
8:00: The Spencer Abraham Breakfast Special. Per person: Six eggs (fried), eight pancakes, a pound of steak, two pounds of hash browns, a gallon of coffee, a cup of hot chocolate, orange and pineapple juice, and a big bowl of oatmeal.
8:12: The Blame Clinton early-morning address.
8:30: The Spencer Abraham Alternative Energy through Methane Emissions seminar.
9:00: All 9/11 families escorted out of the room. Those uppity 9/11 widows are stashed in solitary confinement -- how DARE they try to ruin a good thing by bleating about their lost husbands? Whiny bitches.
9:11: The Great Bush 9/11 Fundraiser Gala. Pieces of the rubble off Ground Zero auctioned off to the highest bidders. Promotional 9/11 flashlights, cigarette lighters, pens, pencils, all with little elephant designs, unveiled for sale. Miniature planes are the biggest hit. A big elephant-shaped cake with two big, towering candles in the middle is brought out and lit up. The crowd - all from Alabama, Oklahoma, and Texas -- roars. New Yorkers grit their teeth nervously.
9:25. The Blame Clinton mid-morning address.
9:30: Re-enactment of Bush's military service.
9:35 - 12:00. Bush is nowhere to be found.
11:00. The Blame Clinton late-morning address.
12:00. Bush flutters onto the stage in a borrowed flightsuit, slightly tipsy. Claims no memory of recent whereabouts.
12:30. Pro-Life Rally. Death Penalty Rally immediately follows.
1:00. WMD Scavenger Hunt. First conventioneer to find the hidden slingshot gets free 9/11 Video -- "The Very Hungry Re-Election Campaign".
1:30. The Blame Clinton early-afternoon address.
2:00. Sanctity of Marriage Rally, led by Bob Barr and Newt Gingrich. John Fund speaks on Marital Fidelity.
2:30. Second Pro-Life Rally. Featurning Never Before Seen Fallujah Footage!
3:00. Chickenhawk Rally. Dick Cheney balances himself on the backs of four Vietnam quadriplegics! Tom Delay challenges Max Cleland to a footrace! Great fun for all!
3:30. The Blame Clinton mid-afternoon address.
4:00. War on Drugs Rally. Rush Limbaugh emcees.
4:30. Arnold Schwarzenegger assails Bill Clinton for not respecting women.
5:00. The Halliburton Hour! Footage of Fallujah and charred Iraqi bodies displays in the background, with the crawler -- "Freedom Is Not Free -- Dick Cheney's Company Needs Its Cut Of The Booty!"
5:30. The Blame Clinton late-afternoon address.
6:00. Fiscal Discipline Today. Host: William Bennett. Featuring a special sidebar on the virtue of personal self-control.
6:30. Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice tokens and hood ornaments offered for sale.
7:00. John Ashcroft announces Patriot Act still necessary because more terrorist attacks are yet to come. The crowd roars wildly in approval.
7:30. Scalia Symposium: "Constitution? What Constitution?" Duck calls provided.
8:00. The Blame Clinton evening address.
9:00. Chastity Belt promotional giveaway. Priests not eligible.
9:30. Fundraising raffle: Wim a free trip to the Congo to see Pat Robertson's diamond mines!
10:00. Bush speech.
10:01. The Blame Clinton late-night address.
10:30. Andrew Sullivan is flogged, caned, and burned at the stake, whereupon he praises Bush as "the ultimate S&M experience" as he roasts away.
11:00. Bush departs the building. Reprise of Bush's National Guard service.
11:59. The Deficit Clock Countdown!