Apologizing when you aren't really sorry - courteous or rude?

Apologies shouldn't be given out unless you're absolutely sorry for what you did.

lying can be considered courteous, personally.

I'm not sure what but not rude or courteous. I don't say sorry unless I mean it and can only hope others do as well. I guess I would say "dishonest".

I don't know about anyone else, but when I feel compelled to apologize but I don't mean it, I get resentful. Imagine teaching that to a child. IMO it shouldn't be done.

Teach a child respect, humility, kindness; chances are he'll rarely be in a position to have to apologize.

GWB did to the Arab world.

I'd ask this: Do you mean everything you say literally, word for word? Life is full of little courtesy gestures that might or might not be meant literally, but which make life easier when dealing with other people.

But if maintaining some ideal of literal truth you've created for yourself is more important to you than other people's feelings, go for it. I hope you don't mind if I apologize when I bump into you on the street or accidentally say something thoughtless in your company.

Just my two cents.

I hope you don't mind if I apologize when I bump into you on the street or accidentally say something thoughtless in your company.

Why would those apologies be insincere? I don't get it. Wouldn't you sincerely be sorry for bumping someone or for saying something thoughtless.

I'm not talking about sincere apologies. What I am talking about - to use one of your examples, would be saying something thoughtless, then apologizing for it, but in your heart having no intention to refrain from making more thoughtless comments.

...is your intention to offend the person who hears the thoughtless comments again, or just not to take heed what you say so that the danger of offending him/her remains? Would you be concerned about having hurt or offended someone?

I talking about whether the apology is sincere, whether (in the example) you are actually sorry for making a thoughtless remark or whether you are lying.

I'm not talking about intent. I'm talking about sincerity. In my example, I used the phrase 'having no intention' to indicate an insincere state of mind. The point is whether, at the moment someone apologizes for saying something thoughtless, they are actually sorry they said something thoughtless. I suppose I didn't make that point very well, since we are off on this tangent.


My simple question to you was: 'Wouldn't you sincerely be sorry for bumping someone or for saying something thoughtless?'

I don't see how apologizing for bumping into someone or saying something thoughtless is necessarily insincere.

I was being overly dramatic. I apologize for that. I meant for people to focus on my main point, which was about courtesies that might or might not be meant literally.

When somone says "I'm sorry"



if they don't mean it literally, what do they mean?

I wasn't sorry for...worse yet..I got an insincere apology from them for their abuse and tirades.

If I'm not sorry, I am not going to feign regret just to humor someone...expecially when they are a self-centered ass.

I don't like the idea of forced apologies from the insincere. But apologies which are not heartfelt can sometimes go a tremendous way in healing the hurts of the agrieved.

How many times have we heard anguished victims of some corporate perfidy utter "I'd really just like to hear an apology,"..."I just want to hear them say they're sorry."

Even if people who do us harm are not regretful, contrite or repentent, it's very often a part of the healing process for those who've been wronged.

I'm sorry if I'm too exuberant in my response.

apologies which are not heartfelt can sometimes go a tremendous way in healing the hurts of the agrieved.


Many people do feel that way; but I don't understand that feeling. If you are talking about apologies that are 'sincere' but not 'heartfelt', however - that is not what I mean. I'm not talking about 'how sorry' someone is, but whether or not they are sorry.

I find insincere apologies to often be even more offensive than the original offense, because when the original offense was accidental or unintentional, making an insincere apology - an intentional lie, in other words - just makes things worse.

I agree with you for the most part, but when I get a turned around apology like my subject line, it just makes me angrier. You know?

"I'm sorry you are so easily offended"

"I'm sorry you didn't understand my point"

"I'm sorry your face smashed into my fist"

I will say I'm sorry to my husband or friend even if I feel they are in the wrong. Although come to think of it I guess in those cases I am really sorry, sorry we fought.

But in the South it is the courteous thing to do.

The former when we apologize automatically without really thinking about it or feeling sorry. The latter when we do it to score points or to avoid conflict.

I won't say that I am. However, I will apologize for hurting someone, or doing something that upset them.
"I'm really hurt you said that to this person"
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't realize that it would upset you" but I won't say "I'm sorry I did that" if I'm not.

The last thing I want is an unfelt apology. However, since most of us do not intend to hurt someone, there is usually a heartfelt apology to be found.

For example, you may not be sorry about what you said to me if you felt you were telling the truth; however, you probably are sorry that the truth hurt my feelings. "I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings" is perfectly appropriate and helpful in this instance. I can deal now with the pain that truth sometimes brings without thinking ill of you for telling me.