I'm out, a queer

Well, I'm not, but I know many of you are.

Share your stories?

of when they decided to come out, how it happened, etc.?

(Sad stories are OK, but make them have a happy ending.)

I came out to my parents in 1979. Actually, I came out to my mom. I was always more comfortable talking to mom.

When I told her I was gay, she looked at me. Not saying a word. Just looking at me.

Then she got angry. She told me I didn't know what I was doing. She told me all the bad stuff...that homosexuals preyed on children. That homosexuals were subject to blackmail (beleive it or now, that's what she said). She said that homosexuals were sad, sick, lonely people. She said she would "fight for me".

The whole family talked about it. Or, rather Mom, myself and my sister Jill. My dad and my other sister Jan were completely silent.

We ended up going to family counselling (Mom's idea). That was a colossal waste of time. Obviously. The threapist told us that we didn't "communicate" as a family. Well, fucking duh.

I honestly thought how cool they would be about it. My dad worked at a steel mill and heard the nasty racist comments of some of his co-workers. He hated that...and instilled in us a sense of acceptance. That bigotry was wrong. Only, I guess it didn't apply to homosexuals.

My family is MUCH better now about it. They've found out that there are FAR worse things than a gay son. And they love Doug, the love of my life and the man who makes me complete. Doug even told my mom that he wants to marry me. Oh, my is the feeling mutual. :-)

Terry

:loveya:

:loveya:, too.

There are happy endings, aren't there?

:-)

Terry

:bounce:

Well, my "coming out" story actually went rather well, but it was tough.

I was somewhat hesitant in actually telling people straight out because of the worries about pushing it on people, so the solution was to start a Live Journal and write some things in there that would give it off, hoping to prompt some sort of question. It did, and after that, it became alot easier for me to tell the people that mattered to me most in my life, such as my friends. I'm still in high school; a junior, so that made it a bit more of an issue; eventually word did get around that i was, but i've hit no problems at all except for the few idiots, but i'm not around then a great amount of time(I try to shy away from the ROTC crowd), so it's went well.

I actually had an easier time telling my friends than my family, but one of my family members found something online and "outed" me. That went fine and no issue was made of it; some people thought it was expected, so hey, i'm glad they are comfortable.

I'm new here and looking forward to my time on DU, it defintly looks great.

Zach

One of the most gay friendly sites I've been to. There's plenty of gay folks that are nice and friendly. The straight people here are pretty non-judgemental and cool.

That's great that your coming out in high school went relatively well. That's such an emotional minefield...high school. You're doing a great service, Zach. Coming out in high school makes it easier for other gay and lesbian high schoolers to feel more comfortable about they themselves coming out.

Again, welcome to DU, Zach. :-)

Terry

I was one of the last to find out.

My mother eventually pointed it out.

I came out at the office by telling the worst office gossip, then handing her a copy of the sexual harassment policy.

You were the last to find out?

Neither of my sisters was surprised in the least. We say we're the last to know when it is obvious to everyone but we ourselves have denied it all our lives.

Get ready for a deluge.

I like hearing other gay and lesbian people's coming out stories. Each are different. Some are very sad, some are nice. It's a sometimes painful rite of passage for gay people.

Terry

much drama is still ensuing

how do you know?

What a disappointment... He said that he figured I was gay...and I had wanted him to disown me. Oh well. pretty good coming out story, relatively, but my, how things have been complicated since then.

Why the interest?

to see how many queers are on DU...

I was just wanting to contribute to that "I'm outta here" "I'm outta beer" "I'm outta cheer" etc. play-on-words theme, but then I thought maybe it would have a positive edge to it, too.

Welcome to DU! :-)

"queer"?

Just checking. Trying to get yourself psyched up to do the deed?

The reactions of close friends, parents, siblings, co-workers & supervisors, etc. Here's a brief synopsis of some of mine:

1. My sisters didn't even blink. (edited to clarify: they have always accepted me unconditionally and want only for me to be happy. They weren't fazed at all by my coming out. It was like, "Okay. What are you making for dinner tonight?")

2. My father told me in a Christmas card "God's sending you to hell and I think he should." That's a paraphrase; I can give you the actual quote if you'd like.

3. I lost at least two very good friends -- one of them my oldest friend -- because they remained fundamentalist evangelical Christians and I did not.

4. I was asked to leave my residence by my two roommates, also fundies.

5. After coming out to someone I trusted in church choir, word got round to the director and he ejected me from the choir, telling me I couldn't possibly be sincere in worship.

Guess which one has had the most impact on my life, for good or bad. I'll give you a hint: it's the one that involves love.

:scared:

I am a wonderful, warm, loving, affectionate, devoted and loyal person. I will give you the shirt off my back -- even if I happened out of the house without a bra that day. But to some people, the only thing that matters is that you believe in their religion -- and any true believer knows that no one who loves a member of the same sex can follow Christ or be redeemed.

What I don't get is why it's easy for those people to reject their gay family & friends. I won't lie. My friends', roommates', and choral director's rejection hurt like a mutha. (I could give a shit about my dad; the Christmas card just made me mad.) And I lost a lot of love in Christie, my oldest and dearest friend, and Sandi, who helped me survive the worst time in my life. But they lost more: they lost me.

I'll never get it.

welcome to DU :hi:

When you met Ms. V, she was in dire need of a shirt and you were out of the house without a bra. Correct? :evilgrin:

than you did, I daresay.

My story is kinda simple - I am only halfway out of the closet. I am bisexual, which I finally admitted to myself in high school. I never officially came out to my family, and as I have met folks over the years, it seems to become something they kinda figure out (including my husband of nearly 14 years). Living around San Francisco helps a whole lot! I have run the coming-out-to-my-family scenario through my head many, many times, and basically it comes out like this

"Papa, I'm bisexual."
"What? You're a fag?!"
"No, Papa, I am what they call bi."
"Are you going to leave your husband?"
"No, of course not. But if anything should happen to him, I want you to be prepared in case..."
(Interrupting) "So, you're not a fag?"
(Sigh) "No, Papa, what it is is ..."
(Gets up) "You say no, that's good enough for me."

So I figure, why bother?

Are there other married-to-a-man bi women who have a different solution?

Who would choose to go through that?!

I hated myself so bad as a kid. I should have known better but the drumbeat of society was tough to ignore.

That it's a "choice". That apparently, one day standing in front of the bathroom mirror, shaving, I said to myself "Now, how can I spice up my boring, humdrum life? I KNOW! I'll become a homosexual and be vilified by insane religious nuts, be a potential target for gay bashers, at risk of losing my job, AND potentially suffer the rejection of my family and friends! Yes, THAT'S the ticket!"

Bullshit, bullshit and bullshit. Homosexuality transcends race, gender, religion, ethnicity, economic status. No one really knows the true reason of why some people are gay and some straight. I think it's genetic in nature, myself. But I know one damn thing for sure. It ISN'T any fucking choice.

Terry

and others don't. I am sorry your dad was that way. It was my overriding fear when I was growing up. I am glad you came out all right.

He got the proof he never wanted to see when he saw a photo of me in the L.A. Times -- a photo of the South Coast Chorale, taken before my first concert with the group. SCC is a GLBT/friendly chorus based in Long Beach, CA.

Shortly after he saw that photo (I was working for his business at the time), he suggested I take the HOMOPHOBIA IS A SOCIAL DISEASE bumper sticker off my car. He didn't like it seen near his business. :eyes: I told him no. I said, "Dad, I know you don't want to hear it but I am a les--" he cut me off. As the blood rushed from under his collar, up his face and into his scalp -- it glowed in the part of his white hair -- he said angrily, "Don't say that word, I don't ever want to hear you say that word, you're not that."

:shrug:

We're estranged. We communicate by email 3-4 times a year, and send birthday & xmas cards and I always send a "happy father's day" email. As a father, he's not worth a card.

Were your folks okay with it?

edit: "caller" is someone on the phone, "collar" is the thing around your neck. :eyes: <= self

f*** em anyway, you have new friends in the DU. :)

Thanks, Skittles. :)

when I was in basic training at Ft. Benning, Georgia, dazed & confused enough already, I received a strange letter from my mother, emphasizing how she loved me, how proud she was, and how she wouldn't want me ANY OTHER WAY and DON'T EVER CHANGE. I figured it was just a rah-rah thing to keep my spirits up as a miserable draftee until I got home on leave and found that, as a special treat, she'd had my room redecorated, including new carpet. Uh-oh...under the old carpet were several very explicit letters between me and a former boyfriend that I hadn't had the heart to destroy (the letters, not the boyfriend). After that, my whole family has always been cool with it. The worst criticism I ever got was from my much older brother, who told me my current boyfriend was, "too damn pretty; looks like a girl." (He was right, by the way!) That was a long time ago, but I'll always be grateful to my mother and all the rest of my family for their love and support. Things could have been so much worse!

what a lovely lady your mom is. And the rest of your family sounds pretty cool too. :)

I'm the luckiest guy in the world in that department.

she could counsel some parents for sure.

one swore up and down that I couldn't be gay but had to be bi he just refused to believe I wasn't attracted to women. I didn't tell my parents for a few years after that. My dad took it well and my mom was OK after awhile. I never had a real relationship after I came out to them so it was somewhat easy for it to be put on the back burner.

I was always harder on myself then my family was on me. My sister and brother also took it well. Sometimes we are our own worst critics. I tried to drink those feelings away but didn't suceed so now, four years sober, I try each day to accept myself as I am and live my life to the best of my ability.

I am glad I am gay but I wouldn't go through keep that secret as a gay kid again. No way no how.

:toast:

:toast:

:hi: Out for 20 years...and the stories I could tell. ;)

...likes to think they knew before I did, but I always knew in the back of mind that I was a lesbian. I just denied for 30 years of my life. Then I admitted it to myself, and began hanging out in lesbian chat rooms and stuff, before actually taking the big plunge and coming out.

Coming out was easy with my sister and my mum, because they always knew anyway, even though I always denied it. My dad on the other hand has completely disowned me. He can support his two sons, even though both are addicted to drugs, both are thieves, and one has been in prison twice. Yet I get completely disowned for falling in love with someone of the same sex, and my sister gets disowned for not always returning my dad and step mothers calls.

My grandmother on my mums side, didn't take it so well either. I was living with her, because she was having health problems and needed someone in the house with her. I came out to her, and ended up on the street as a result. I have very little contact with her now.

As for my freinds, what friends? Everyone I have known prior to my coming out, are no longer in my life. A lot of that has to do with my ex (male) causing a lot of shit. I still lost freinds when I told them though. And that is hard for me, because I had a large social network, and now the social interaction I get is through online chats, my family, and my brother inlaws Aunt.

Life can deal us hard blows, but nothing is so hard we can't handle it.

I hope you're well. I'm very sorry about your grandmother. Your dad -- I'm similarly situated. But your grandma -- even when she needed you, her prejudice was more important. Shit.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you. And I'm very glad to see you here.

...I've been around hon, just we haven't been posting in the same threads for a while.

But, it is good to see you too. :)

How's Mrs V?

I did see your thread about looking for a decent swimsuit though hon, and unfortunately I was pretty busy that day and I never got the chance to reply to it.

This store won't help you now, because it is in Australia, and I know you needed one pretty quick (and tey do have a wonderful size conversion chart), but it is a GREAT one to keep bookmarked for future reference. And the deliver world wide. :) The URL is: http://www.lisaslacies.com.au/

It is a pretty femme site, but they do have some swimwear. :)

How has things been with you? Last time I replied to a thread of yours, I am sure it was tat long thread about your depression.

And with my dad and grandma, I look at it as it being their loss. They don't get to see me truly happy, and Sapph makes me truly happy. And they have cheated themselves out of getting to know the wonderful woman Sapph is, who has stolen my heart.

As for me, I am just hanging in there at the minute. I have been facing some real financial worries over the last couple of months, and have just scraped by, usually by missing out on meals and stuff. But things will get better. :)

i don't tell or NOT tell unless i need to. when was the last time someone asked me about my religious preference? :shrug: same dif' to ME (agreed, not to everyone)

most people know. if not, i'll tell if i want/need to.

I think a lot of people actually USE their sexuality to separate or alienate themselves.

i'll have to use that one, nsma. angels...mafia. big grin over here.

:toast:

I guess now I know... Too damn bad! I was hoping...praying...that one day...somehow...we could... (damn it's just too damn painful!)

It's him.

yup, I'm starting to transition to womanhood, wish me luck

i came out when I was 18 only a few years ago. Oddly enough no one knew before i came out. And it happened in kinda the worst way, me and one of my best friends decided to watch a porn together. Well we were a little "inebrieted" and my face ended up in the wrong place. He actually didn't freak out and we still see each other almost daily. But after it happened I made sure to tell my mom. She supports me in what I'm going through. Unfortunately i'm not just queer, I'm trans, which is a little different. And more costly. So its a lot of odd in between times before you go full time.

:hi:

it seemed so nice there was a coming out thread already posted when I registered.

There are many, many GLBTQ people here at DU. Hope you enjoy it here!

threads? lol, the subject line is just a little too short.

but I'm glad you're ready to get started! :D

BTW, it's not based on the number of replies, you just need to keep posting AudreyT. Good-luck to ya!

I wish I had further words of wisdome for you, but all I can say is that I know several MTF and FTM folks, and the transition has been a 100% improvement in their mental health and happiness. I'm pulling for you!

I used to be homophobic. I am hetero. I told him I knew about his preference and I was okay with it. He told me Stevo, I love you so much for saying that. He is my son. I love my son. He asked me how I knew. I told him if you had a son that was gay would you know ? He said yes. I said me too. About a month ago I had to drive to Chicago for my brother's funeral. I stopped on the way to see him in Kansas City. I met his SO, John. He seems real nice. They are happy together and that makes me happy. I love my son. Life is too short to be hateful.

You sound like a great guy! Thanks for sharing your story....:hi: