Need Advice

We just got word that my 13 year old son's favorite teacher died suddenly over the weekend. This is his first real experience with death other than losing a pet when he was too young to fully understand. I told him and he is in deep denial avoidance mode. Hubby is a lifelong denial-avoidance type. This can't be healthy. Any advice?

When denial doesn't work, anger is usally the next stage.

Let him work through it in his own way. Just be there to offer support, but not judgement.

it takes time, and denial/avoidance is ok -- for a while. it's part of coping.

Losing somebody
Is just part of life, I guess
But it's always hard

my personal experience is they seem to have built in mechanisms to deal with death

i would let him land where he lands ...

rather than viewing him the way you view your husband's "denial-avoidance" pattern, why not "model" the behavior you think is preferable ...

for example, it might "teach" him another way to deal with death if you were to talk about the feelings you had when someone close to you died ... don't do this to see if your son "measures up" ... let him deal with this new experience in his own way ... don't expect to see instant changes ... be a patient teacher ...

perhaps by setting the example you feel is the "right way", he will learn to be more like you as time goes by ... if he feels "attacked" and criticized, he may be less open to hearing about your values ...

I talked to him and he said he needs to deal with this in in own way. He said he needed a big hug and then wanted to snuggle on the couch and watch tv. He is sad, the school will have grief counselors there tomorrow. Unfortunately this is finals week.

My parents gave me space, but let me know that they were there for me. It worked wonders.

I do think you have to tailor the remedy to the individual, but if I had been pushed to talk about it before I was ready the outcome would not have been good. I feel for your son. It's a tough thing to go through. An early age to learn that you are not in fact invincible.

died when I was 14 years old. I knew and loved him, and I was very hurt when he passed. My mother took me to the funeral home when the family received friends. I remember her telling me to "be brave" before we left the house. I thought that meant I couldn't cry, and I really wanted to cry because I was very sad.

Allow your son to grieve in the way that best suits him. If you see him falling into a depression that lasts more than a couple of weeks, however, I humbly suggest you seek help for him.

I lost a friend and colleague to suicide almost 5 years ago, and I am still dealing with the pain and sorrow.