Making Over Pickles: Where Would You Start?

Let's skip over the maladministration's latest distraction and get back to one of DU's classics: the First Lady's appearance is an embarrassment to the nation. Trailer trash doesn't dress as badly as the wife of the most powerful man in the world.

And we've chosen you to fix it.

Bear in mind that by the time you're done, her Snell-Approved helmet hair, upholstery-fabric-and-doubleknit wardrobe, pearls and sensible shoes will all be gone, and her face won't look like the Joker did it. But where do you start, and where do you go from there?

I believe in a top-down approach...

I would start by going through her dressing table. Kenneth Starr went through Hillary Clinton's underwear drawer, so I figure if I go into Laura's makeup drawer it's okay. Out will go the gallon of marine epoxy she uses to hold her hair in place. (I'll keep that; a gallon of marine epoxy costs $86.) Out will go the fire-red lipstick and the too-dark foundation. Out will go the pearls.

Next is her hair. Short styles are popular because you don't have to screw with them much. But something is wrong with Laura's, because she uses so much hairspray she could get hit in the hair with a ball-peen hammer and not feel it. I'm thinking that a really light body wave would work well here, especially if her hair was lightened quite a bit and highlighted. Yes, we're talking about two or three hair sessions--you can't perm and color on the same day--but she needs it. And for God's sake, make sure it's maintained!

Makeup next...cinnamon and dark brown shadows with gold highlight applied to narrow her eyeset, no liner on the bottom lid (her eyes are too small as it is), light contouring of the cheeks, and a good mauve or nude lip with matching nails. Eyes should predominate to help pull the viewer's eye away from her smoker's mouth. You can't smell Laura in photographs, but a subtle fragrance would be good.

Laura would look good in tailored wool suits with white cotton blouses underneath--some gray ones, some blue and some dark brown to start--and woolen skirts on days too hot to wear jackets. No pink. Black satin strapless dresses without bows around the midriff for formal occasions.

Shoes with about an inch and a half of heel would help pull her back straight. She's a largish woman and needs the added lift. George would object, as he is smaller than she is, but we're not talking about him now. Open-toes would be good.

Finally, accessories: I'd double-pierce her ears and put quarter-carat diamond studs in the second pierces, with fairly hefty one-inch gold hoops--the flat, engraved kind--in the first pierces. Scarves are good; a nice silk one would be appropriate. A moderate-weight (not hair-thin, but not bling-bling heavy either) 24-inch gold chain, wedding set, high-quality watch, right-hand ring, small leather handbag and bracelet will complete the look.

* * * * *

That's what I'd do. You?

Sydney Carton? Couldn't hurt.

so she wouldn't have that dazed ignorant look on her face all the time.

Can't do anything about the Joker face...or the heavy smoker's mouth.

Pickles' Joker-face is because her mouth is very wide and they paint it bright red. By ditching the Engine Company 15 lipstick and going with something muted, it would help.

The only real cure to the Joker-face problem is to remove her nose, saw about an inch out of the middle of her head, then weld everything back together, but so far that surgery hasn't been perfected yet--and she can't afford to lose any more gray matter; her choice of husband demonstrates she's short on brains already.

We also can't get rid of Dumbya, unfortunately, but when he goes to the Hague it will improve her whole outlook on life.

...you know, her 'HUSBAND'!

The rest of your advice sounds fine.

She is already looking like a witch and she deserves to know how it feels to be abused.

I would also give her a broom to ride.

I would make her stand up for ten hours reading "The Goat" story to her twins.

May she rot in hell with her worthless husband.

to lose around 170 pouds of dead weight and dump her husband! George is clearly weighing her down.And she needs to get a life. All the rest will follow.Did you know she was a democrat? I think she needs to reregister and that will be agood statr. Better than a face lift.

:shrug:

until that woman invests in a good bra. Until then, nothing you put her in will look good on her. I'm a largish woman and I can still get mine off my waist.

drugged up oftentimes.

I am not up on nicknames, why is she called Pickles?

on the old Dick Van Dyke show. "Pickles" was often referenced, seldom seen.

For a ghool I thought Lynn Cheney dresses pretty nicely:D

He gives wonderful cuts, and is great with color, too. He makes no secret of his disgust with Dumbyass, and it'd be toooo cool if Laura had to sit in a chair and listen to this man, knowing that one ignorant remark could leave her with purple hair to explain.

She can take it from there...

...because before you go a courtin' Miz Pickles, the first thing you need to do is get rid of the...

Somewhat softer dresses instead of those boxy things she wears, a slightly less dowdy hairdo, and I'd undo whatever they ddid to pull her eyes up like that.

Maybe some smart-looking glasses would be nice.

Honestly, this would be a fun Photoshop project. we should have a contest with submissions.

Here she is in her youth.

....and let the new Laura emerge from the inside out.

Concenetrate on Cherie Blair and try and teach her how to smile.