I guess I should come out of the closet - I Am Gay

its official.

i am a homosexual man.

yesterday i was straight but for the last 16 hours, i have been turning rapidly gay.

i started feeling a little woozy at about 3 am this morning. even had to get up and pee. when i awoke at 5 am, i was 'tingly' all over. couldn't figure it out but hopped in the shower anyway and got ready for work. things were going fine until about 10 am when a technical sales rep walked in my office and i shook his hand. DAMN that was one fine handshake! i shrugged it off though.

well, lunch came and went and i started feeling a little bored with my life. i THOUGHT i was a happily married man but doubts were starting to creep in. imagine that. yesterday i was quite content but now, with the prospect of my participation in an 'alternative lifestyle', well i think that has all changed.

Gay Marriage here in Massachusetts has changed my life! I called the wife at work and told her to not bother coming home. Its over. Her kid is graduating high school and we were to leave in the morning for Phoenix but not only am I not going, i ripped up the plane tickes and canceled all the credit cards. SHE can't go either! i'm going to make her sleep in a cardboard box tonight just because gay marriage has so overtaken me and now i hate all girls.

i'll keep my dog though. he isn't the smartest animal i have ever owned but he is loyal. in fact........um.......DAMN....uh.....i'm going to inquire if i can marry HIM! he is REALLY cute after all!

thank you gay marriage for CHANGING MY LIFE!!

So.....you, uh..........wanna get together. Or something?

trapped in a man's body.

If they legalize GAY polygamy, then I will have to stage something elaborate, involving myriad fetishes that will cause power outages and computer failures throughout the known universe.

Unaffected by this.

;-)

On edit: I have been kinda hoping that Lil' Ricky Santorum is right and all this will lead to the acceptance of other modes of sexual expression. I have been thinking of registering a china pattern, with my female Eclectus.

YOU'RE GAY!

"i'll keep my dog though. he isn't the smartest animal i have ever owned but he is loyal. in fact........um.......DAMN....uh.....i'm going to inquire if i can marry HIM! he is REALLY cute after all!"

You do realize that Rick Santorum will come after you then, right?

for you and Pitt? ;)

I've suddenly decided that I'm gay as well. The cat here sleeps in my crouch already, but alas he is male.

that would make my wife available, so if things don't work out between you & mrs. Matcom...

then BAM! Kicked the kids out of the house and now I'm leaving for Provincetown.

You've just come down with a case of Metrosexuality.

:evilgrin:

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: you can't watch that show without donning the special glasses. You forget the glasses and you're toast...more specifically, somewhere someone's taking delivery of a new toaster this morning.

You brought it on yourself...

I have a sudden urge to beat the dog.

Those are the first symptoms. Congratulations!!! Make sure you fix the exwife's cardboard box up real nice. You know we gay boys like really nice things.

We're running out of toasters at the recruitment center! :evilgrin:

You've also caused all discipline to fall apart here at the office because people are ROFLing.

you can invite them over for some 'finger sandwiches' if you like :)

glad to be of service

tell those georgeous hunks of man-meat you work with that i am rapidly developing a slight lisp, an overbite and my nipple piercing should be complete by Thursday

THANKS!!

The rest you'll have to take up with your dentist.

That reminds me. I've been getting a lot of stares lately because I've been lisping really badly. That's when I explain that I've basically got no front teeth (dentist appt. on the 28th).

Sometimes the vocabulary starts to change on day-two. Sometimes it's right away.

-- Allen

:D

And have you stopped shaving against the grain?

-- Allen

P.S. Chiffon is good. Taffeta is better (only it wrinkles so easily.)

in an hour i will have a cucumber bath and mud pack. then it is off to the laser hair removal shack for something gay folk refer to as a 'quick zap' and a 'chain yank' :shrug:

i'll let you know how it turns out though

I'm just no good at this.

or if it's not a knit cuff that will hold itself in place, you'd simply do a loose roll of the cuff so that it's about halfway up the forearm... stopping just below the elbow.

Obviously you've never seen Carson talking about this important skill on "Queer Eye". (We simply MUST get you a satellite dish!)

-- Allen

;-)

Ya nut!

-- Allen

:crazy:

I'm confused now

Skipping Ramsey, eh?

I am going hetero.

That's right.

The peen no longer interests me. I want boobies and 'down there', and lots of them! And long silky hair! I feel compelled to do what is morally right for this country! Breed and make babies while under the sanctity of a true marriage (which will have a skydiving/Sesame Street theme to it where we jump out of planes in Elmo costumes saying our self-written vows in an Elmo-like falsetto voice while wearing Halloween Elmo costumes.)

So who wants to ride the Wild Hypno?

Thank you right wingers! By allowing these abominable people to marry, you have made me see the light! Blue light! No more rose colored lenses for me, there's only one form of love that's acceptable and I denounce my wicked and awful hedonistic past!

</massive surreal sarky joke>

because I think you're actually ambisexual. Or polysexual., or polymorphously perverse or somethng.

...and is flying to California so she can move in with NSMA and live a life filled with flannel shirts and power tools. I've heard that even Mrs. Matcom has switched sides simply because she viewed a picture of a same-sex couple getting married.

she is 'doing the cat' even as i type this. all hell has broken loose!

on edit: SHE looks happy but the really doesn't

I sleep with my cats too!

manicure?

don't bother him now though. he is enjoying an 'after' cigarette

winning the lifestyle battle, one matthew at a time

welcome warrior. meeting at 6:30ish. casual dress. bring snickerdoodles.

i wasn't sure

'flip flops' are something else altogether. (check your handbook)

is there a 'book on tape' version?

who narrates? :shrug:

on edit: Is it Christopher Lowell? i really like him

those of us with ADD?

:-)

Terry

:shrug: no?

:evilgrin:

Well! now that he has kicked me out...maybe I will turn in my tickets to Phoenix and come to see you!!! Ha, that gay marriage does sound good!!!!

on the hood of my car? :evilgrin:

if you ask her to!

:P

oh shit, i'm in REAL trouble here aren't i!

Unless...it's all part of your cunning plan.

:evilgrin:

:scared:

More closet space for you!

Yippeeeeeee!

BTW...I know we won't have time to hook up in AZ and I have to be in court all day weds and thursday am...so booo fucking hoo!

What is going on? All of the bastions of the DU Lounge are new recruits! It's madness and mayhem! I won't stand for it!

*stops to itch a tingly sensation on the back of his neck*

I don't approve!

*stops to itch a tingly sensation on the back of his leg*

Ahem - *mumbles* Stop.

*stops to itch a tingly sensation on the back of his hand*

Oh, hell with it. I'm gonna go home and take a shower. Anyone have any recommendations for a good hair product that doesn't accelerate a receding hairline?

*puts on a Streisand album, longs for toast from his new toaster*

you'll be compelled to 'touch yourself'

:D

Don't you watch baseball, matcom?!

<wink wink - nudge nudge>
aw jeez

Streisand and the opera, also!

MUHAHAHAHAHA!

My plan is working insidiously!

I still like women. I'm trying though.

oh...erm...'scuse me...

Here I was,a happy heterosexual male, and they go and do this.
My deeply religious family will never accept this so now that the libruls have turn me gay I have no choice but to find a closet.

Damn. They're all full. Anybody got any spare closet space?:+

Does that mean I'm off your list now? Given what you said about what "every strait man on DU"....wants me to do.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=1099260#1099530

Damn. :(

to Western Civilization!

HA! That was only a ruse to keep people busy while gays and lesbians worked behind the scenes to REALLY bring about the fall of Western Civilization!!!!


bwahahahahahahaa!!!!!!


:evilgrin: :evilgrin: :evilgrin: :evilgrin: :evilgrin:


bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

don't let it happen to you. i now have "urges" i never thought imaginable