Well, I am about to be single again!

Mrs. Mikimouse has informed me that she wants a divorce, stating that her health issues will only erode our financial security. I think that there is more to it than that, but she will not hear any arguments. When I told her that I thought she was making a big mistake and that we would work through the illness together, she refused to discuss alternatives. She has been here this weekend, packing up 'her' things to take back to Louisiana tomorrow. I am devastated.

Perhaps if you give her some time, she'll come around. :shrug:

If not, though, your friends at DU will be here for you! :pals:

I was there once, but we worked it out. Five years later + one 4 year old beautiful son makes us laugh at how stupid we were back then.

I hope all works itself out. Keep your chin up.

Maybe as the health issues stabilize, then she will be more reasonable. :hug:

It seemed like you were getting so much closer during her illness, I can't believe this! I think you're right, there really is more to it, but unfortunately you're not going to force it out of her, she's going to have to communicate it on her own.

I would think the way you stuck with her during her recent illness would have shown her how committed and dedicated you really are. It infuriates me that some women just don't know how lucky they are and don't appreciate what they have. SIGH.

You know we're here for you anytime you need us! :hug:

But I'm not one of them! ;)

getting past our experiences of the past three years. She has told me that I have never shown her commitment, a point which I have obviously argued with her, but it seems petty on my part to argue for myself. It just doesn't seem reasonable for me to make that argument, as I am clearly biased in my own defense. I made a long post below that addresses ome of the issues that have come between us.

All you can do is let her go, try your damnedest to support her from afar, and visualize her in perfect health at every moment of doubt and who knows. She may come back. But operate under the pretense that she will not. Because expectations can really interfer with another's process.

Bless you and know that loneliness is an illusion.

I wish you expediant healing!

follow her to Louisiana. I also suggest "helping" her unpack her bags, etc... it sounds to me like she doesn't really want to leave that bad. I was just reading a book about a man who let the love of his life leave because it was all that she had ever asked for... turns out years later that she WANTED him to come after her...but he never did.

I know, I know...this is just my stupid, romantic self talking, but how can I help it!!

I hope that she'll come to her senses and come back to you. I can only guess that she feels like she wants to crawl into a hole. Like when a dog runs away when it becomes ill. I felt like that when I was first diagnosed with diabetes and for a long time.

But now I have a renewed vigor and want to fight this so that I can stay alive to be with somebody.

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and now more. Hang in there, be there for her when she's ready for you, and come to DU for support.

:hug:

Maybe you can get divorced for financial reasonsl, but still be together.

of me, which makes no sense. We have financial obligations that are shared and were entered into with that understanding. She wants to be rid of those and have the freedom to do with her money what she wishes, essentially.

:hug:

Still hoping things work out; where there's life, there's hope!

but I could actually see myself doing the same thing if I was terminally ill. I wouldn't allow my illness to drag my partner down into bankruptcy and losing everything he's built up just to pay off ridiculous hospital bills.

Perhaps your wife's mind is clouded by fear and an instinctive need to protect you. Perhaps she's just not thinking straight and needs time to think. You know her so trust your judgment.

I FEEL your devastation. That would be my reaction if I ever faced such a nightmarish situation. You must feel very alone but patience is your friend. Your wife MUST know who you are if you're grandparents. Give her time and space (just not too much time or too much space).

Regardless, I wish you the very best.

wants now. Her illness is not terminal. It is a chronic condition that will require medication , probably for the rest of her life, but it can go into remission tomorrow and not manifest again. Right now, she has a viable platelet count and is on very low doses of prednisone, so it looks good for a remission at this point. As faar as our being grandparents goes, the grandkiddos are hers. They are my stepgrandchildren. I love them as if they were my own, and will have to try and keep in contact with them after this is over.
You know, I used to pray for patience, and have been very lucky to have had my prayers answered, but I have become increasingly impatient with our situation, not because of her, but rather because of circumstances that we helped to create. See my other post below. My wife used to tell me how lucky she was, and I told her how lucky I was, to have found my soulmate later in life. We used to talk for hours, and enjoyed all the things that others do. If one of us went somewhere without the other, the experience was always somewhat lacking because we were always thinking about how much better it would have bee to share it with each other.

I am very suspicious that this actually has more to do with our son (my stepson) than anything else. By the way, I have to tell you all that she never wanted me to go to Louisiana with her. I probably could have found a teahing or research job there, but since it was only a two year contract for her, we figured that it would be over fairly quickly.
No, frankly, I think that she has made a choice, of sorts, to support her son from now on. You see, she and I encouraged him to come down here to go to school. We thought we were giving him an opportunity that he would not otherwise have had. He got his GED here and started an associates program at the local comunity college. He quickly got sidetracked with social concerns, and demanded money from his grandmother, syaing that he would not return to school unless she gave him his sponsorship money up front. She caved in and gave it to him at Christmas, 2000. She then sent him money on an ongoing basis. He spent the money on the latest greatest computer equipment (for all practical purposes he was computer illiterate at the time, and mostly used the computer for games and downloading music). He also could afford to take Spring break vacations to Arizona and Utah on her dime, while we were both working our asses off to maintain the household. Mrs. Mikimouse did most of his typing of papers, because he would throw a tantrum if she didn't and he is very initimidating. We felt that exposing him to a functioning relationship would be setting a good example for him, but the possibilities for that to happen went away quickly. He moved down here during the summer that I spent in Alaska (2000). By the time I got back from that assignment, the household was already his, and the die was cast, so to speak. NOw, I am the bad guy because I protested his attitude, and his complete lack of involvement in the daily operation of the family. He never contributed anything germane to the family and lived here at our expense for three years, until he got married. He had resources, but felt no responsibility, rather, he felt an entitlement.
In order to make ends meet, I taught an overload of classes for the past three years (12 or 15 hours a semester), and was happy to do it at the time, because I felt that I was making a contribution to the family, and that eventually Mrs. Mikimouse and I could get on with finishing our respective degrees and have our life back. Then, he decided that he wanted to stay in the US and wanted to file for a social security card, but we paid for everything, because he made the case to Mrs. Mikimouse that since we would be the primary beneficiaries of his SS card (we could then claim him as a dependent on taxes), we should pay for it, and we did. It was at this time that I was finally gettingto the end of my rope. I felt that we had gone above and beyond the call of duty and I protested the lengths to which we were going. As a result, things started to become polarized and secretive. Then, he started with the 'Mr. Mikimouse hates me' garbage, and won his mother's sympathy. The fact is, I don't hate him, nor do I hate anyone. I DO hold him in contempt for not putting out any effort to do things himself. When he filed for residency, mama had to come from Lousiana to make sure that the paperwork was filled out correctly (actually, she filled out most of it), and I suspect that she also picked up the tab for most of it as well). He has made no effort to do anything that he does not want to do.
Anyway, I feel that there is much more to this than meets the eye, but talking about it is not possible, because I only get accused of being negative (that's a favorite theme song of his. he uses it against her all the time to keep her in line). NOw, the latest greatest is that he has decided to take flying lessons (God only knows who is paying for those, as his wife works as waitstaff at one of the local restaurants, and makes barely enough to pay their rent and utilities, and he is currently not working because he doesn't have authorization to do so, since he is no longer a college student-he finally finished his two year degree after 4 years).
I feel that I am being left behind like an old garbage bag. She said to me about a year ago, during one of our 'discussions', that I had just about outlived my usefullness. I was horrified and felt that it was something said in the heat of battle, but her actions since then have simply supported that theme. I don't think that we could ever get back to where we were before we got married, and am very sad about that, because I truly love Mrs. Mikimouse, and would give almost anything to have her back as she used to be. I think that she is using the illness as an opportunity to make her exit, and I hate myself for thinking that way. I know that I am anything but perfect and have not made any claims otherwise. My sole claim to fame is probably that I have been clean and sober for 10+ years, and right now, have no desire to go back out.

The whole situation sounds terrible.

I think you deserve much better.

:hug:

for quite a while and missed responding to many of the posts. Please forgive the Kick.

The son is my ultimate nightmare. You're wife is not being reasonable, IMO.

I really have no idea what to recommend except my best wishes...

the son, by the way, is 31 years old.

I'm sorry for your pain and that it the weirdest reason for divorce I have ever heard. If it is the truth, she really still loves you and is trying to ease your burden. That is unselfish but not a good solution. If she is lying to you, well, I just don't know what to say except, be strong.

Perhaps you can get some of her family to talk to her?

to be honest. We used to deal with things as they came up, and this is not something that we cannot handle if we want to work together at it. Sadly, we are not young people, so the odds of having family members try to reason with her are slim, expcet for her son, who would like nothing better than to wedge us apart.

Don't be proud. If she still insists on leaving, let her go, support her and let her know that you are there for her.

That is all you can do.

I have already done as much begging as I could, but it was to no avail. I will always support her, even if I have to do it through our daughter. She will not lack for health care.

a one-sided breakup is damn near unbearable. I have no advice other than to take good care of yourself - eat well, sleep well, get some exercise.

I sure wish I had a magic wand.

this type of topic, but I am really sadder than I have ever been. This is a really wonderful woman, and I love her dearly, especially when she is really herself. she once told me that I was the only one who understood who she really is, and now it is almost as if she has abandoned herself along with me. I agree, a magic wand would be helpful, or a time machine to take us back to May 21st, 2000. Knowing what I know now, I would have stayed here for the summer, at the risk of future career considerations, and taken care of the home front.

you deserve so much better than this. It frustrates me to no end when I see women acting like this, because there are so many, many others who would never do that who will never be lucky enough to experience that kind of love.

If I ever do get married, I hope to God I never act like that as far as my own teenage son is concerned!

I am in no position to change things, sadly enough. I admire your thoughts about your teenage son, but somehow doubt that you would make the mistake that I did, not from reading your posts for the past two years or so. If the son was only a teenager, this would probably have not happened, but he is 31 years old.

tudom meg ezt a híret. Remélem, hogy hamarosn jóbban érzed magát.

Ez igazan nagy marhasag, mert ose tudja hogy mit akar, csak azt tudja hogy nem akar velem maradni. Montam neki hogy meg tudjuk fizetni az orvost es az orvosagokat, ha egyut csinalyuk, de azt mondta hogy nem akarja hogy az en penzem fizese. Marhasag, abszolut marhasag. Mert munkazok ha nem nekunk? Penz nekem nem fontos, sohasevolt; ha van eleg kifizetni a lakast es etelt, akor jo. Nekem nem kel nem tudom hogy milyen kocsi vagy haz. A felesegem sokal fontosab nekem.

I wish things had worked out better for you. :hug:

I hope you can find a way to convince her. She's probably going to need you.

My prayers are with you.

she is already behaving as if I am past history.

Score 2 for me for adding a non sequitor post... I'd better just read today.

Sorry for your situation, Miki.

.

it helps a great deal to know that I am not in this situation alone.

but she sounds like a manipulative, controlling, covert bitch.

She uses you when SHE needs support then dumps you when you are no longer needed, pretends she didn't need you at the time then makes sure you know it is your character flaws that are the source of the problem.

I am sorry you are devastated, but devastation is temporary..suffering through life with someone so manipulative is permanent and will kill that generous sensitive side of you off.

Be sad....experience your loss.. go through the devastation...do a short course of therapy if you need to to cope with the sadness and MOVE ON and meet someone else.

I've read enough of your posts to have a very general sense of the kind of thoughtful person you are...loneliness is a drag but one can be alienated and supressed IN a relationship.

Be well and take care of yourself...this is someone who is really treating you and your generosity like shit.

Hugs..and I am sorry for the pain.

You are not saying anything that has not occured to me over the course of the past three, almost four years. As far as the loneliness goes, I have been lonely for a longer time than I want to admit. Ever since the son moved in here, I have been more or less an automaton, a kind of cash machine that kept all of the finances together, but when I protested some of the expenses, I was told that I was using my 'economic power' as a weapon. So, I stopped and waited for the boy to get married and move the hell out. Now, he is still completely dependent on his wife, his 90 year old grandmother, and I suspect, my wife. He has never called me since he moved out and when I have needed someone to look after the cats when I have had to go out of town, he has never returned calls (I gave up on that tack quite a while ago, and simply hire one of my students to come over and make sure that the kitties are OK.)
As far as the concept of generosity goes, I don't know anything anymore. I thought that I was making a difference with the son when I agreed to have him come down here. He had never finished high school in Canada, and had been told by his father, among others, that he did not have the brains to finish any kind of higher education. Since she and I are both academics, we thought that we could give him the guidance that he needed. WRONG! He did finally finish his AA, but it took him 4 years because he often refused to take his final exams, or simply decided that his professors were wrong to grade him as they did, and did not go back to class. On multiple occasions, wife and I discussed presenting a united front and insisting that he straighten up, but when it came right down to it, he would get beligerant and violent (still have the holes in his former bedroom's door) and wife generally backed down. I was usually not around when these confrontations took place, and only found out about them after the fact. I suggested that he should move to his own apartment, and her response was that if we insisted on that we would be abandoning our initial decision. Moreover, she said that if he moved, she would move with him to make sure that he was taken care of.
Anyway, sorry to drag this out, she just left, after packing up as much of her stuff as the car would carry, and her final words to me were that she hoped that when all of the dust settled, we would still be friends. I am not sure that her attitude will remain so amenable when she discovers that in a community property state, half of all of our debts will belong to her (together we could have taken them on, but I cannot pay for all of the student loans by myself, and she has taken the only good car, leaving me with one that could die at any time).
Thanks for listening NSMA, I have come to value your input. I too have read many of your posts and have come to respect your perspective. I would call you friend.

What have you done for THEM lately? Four years is a very long time to be left in limbo. It's almost an unreasonable amount of time for you to hang in there.

I think the problem with people of your educational background (i.e. PHD) is that you wish to confront this from a rational, more academic, adult approach (again gleaning this from your former posts) and stuff the emotional aspect a bit..in doing so..it leaves your emotions exposed like a target...I'm not saying her manipulation is all intentional..for all I know if I inquired as to her family, you would tell me she had a father or mother just like this (then again SOME OF it sounds VERY deliberate as a survival technique that insures her own survival while not giving a flying fuck about yours.)

Send her a thankyou note for putting an end to the ongoing drama. I think being lonely and alone is much preferable to being lonely and isolated with two leeches sucking the life out of you.

Have I moved you from sadness to anger yet? IF so acceptance isn't too far off. Hang in there..hugs...and I have NO doubt you will finally meet someone more appreciative of your heart and mind as soon as they both stop being occupied by a parasite.

You pretty much have me nailed. I am going to write more later, but I just got a call from campus and have to go and straighten out one of students who is foaming at the mouth over his final grade (I am going to enjoy this!).

Please take care of yourself. I was told many years ago -- and I find it true, more often than not -- that one door never closes without another one opening. And remember, you've got 40,000+ people here rooting for you.

:grouphug:

Be well, my friend, with the people on this board, we cannot go wrong. Bless you and everyone here. :hug:

and you are right, a door never closes, but a window opens! I am just going to quickly finish my degree and get out of here. I need to get paid decently for what I do, instead of this graduate lecturer BS.

I hope all turns out well. :pals:

Take good care of yourself, you will get through this! Remember, you're allowed to feel what you feel, and are entitled to take all the time you need to heal. No one else has the right to set that timetable for you.

From reading your posts above it is obvious that you have really gone way out of your way to help this "boy" but his hold over his mother is too strong. I have seen this kind of thing before where a parent can't let go of their adult "baby" and that offspring milks the situation for all they can get. This is particularly sad because once she runs out of money her son will no longer have any use for her. She's going to be devistated once she realises (if she ever does) that her son is a user and doesn't love her.

A lot of us here have gone through divorce and have survived and even flourished! Be well, and peace to you in this new phase of your life.