i need a little support...

i know some people will see this post and just roll thier eyes... im not just being a drama king here...

Anyone know where theres a nice hole i could crawl into AND DIE?

its all come down around me, my little world... and its all my own doing... god whats wrong with me and what kinda leftover karma do i have from a past life to diserve whats happening?

once again... my fears win out and cause me to let something good slip away.

why the fuck am i like this... im just a damned little coward when it comes to some things...

i dont think ive felt this low in my life...

just need a little support to keep goin. sometimes i wonder if its worth it, sometimes i wonder if i even want to keep on going...

am i alone out here?

-LK

Maybe someone can help if they know what is going on.

Also, how old are you?

been fighting depression, and i would say losing for a good 10 years though, so any specifics i would give you wouldnt seem as bad to anyone 'normal' as they do to me.

maybe im just having one of those low times in the depression cycle...

anyway it standard personal life problems mixed in with other life changes.

-LK

of the h.s. class that's finishing this year, or last year?

Graduating high school is hard. You don't need to have it all figured out right now, even though you might be thinking that you should. Life is LONG, and what you think you know now will be totally different in 5 years. And different 5 years after that and on and on.

Since you sound like you may have clinical depression, probably better not to give any other generic observations from my own life. You might really need medication. My brother FINALLY got the right medication after 10 years or so and he's doing amazingly well. If you haven't tried it, do; and if you have, try a different doctor.

it somehow seems unnatural, like sleeping pills to me... you mentioned that your brother finially got meds... did he seem at all different other than his disposition? i know i shouldnt be, but im worried about it drastically changing me beyond what its supposed to. irrational fear, i know, but thats just the way i am, i guess.

-LK

He used to be quiet all the time, really shy. Now he's just, well, normal. He used to go from his shy self to his depressed self. Not a fun way to live. But otherwise, no, he's still the same guy he always was. But he was always pretty even-keeled, just the damned depression would kick in and he'd do crazy-ass things like taking off across the country and leaving his wife and kids. And he got suicidal on a couple of occasions too. The biggest thing about anti-depressants is to have a good psychiatrist or pscyhologist and SEE THEM. Because medication can make you totally nuts too. Getting the right prescription and dosage is critical. Don't let that scare you, just talk to ALOT of people in your area before you choose a doctor. NAMI is an excellent resource. www.nami.org You should be able to find a local group here:

http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Your_Local_Nami

It is inherent in the human condition. Everybody gets depressed. It happens more, and for longer periods, to some more than others.

You can get it all worked out. I was on an anti-depressant for several years and everything worked out. I'm really glad I did that.

The thing with depression is that we tend to blow things up in our psyches and make them seem more important and defining than they really are. The kind of things that assholes don't think twice about!

Mainly, don't beat yourself up and don't dwell on things. The human spirit forges ahead. That spirit is within you.

Give it time and strive for positive goals in your life.

You'll eventually be fine. These things always resolve themselves for the better.

Tell me! Talk to me in twenty years! Heh. ;)

Stay in touch.

Mudd

ill look you up in 20 years... count on it...

i know im blowing things out of proportion, but ive been doing it for so long i no longer know what a normal frame of reference is...

-LK

I mean, I'm here online for awhile, I can help maybe, but more details are needed...we've all been through bad spots and some of the older folks can offer help but I need to know what's going on in order to offer anything...

ive never liked the idea of spouting my life to people that might not be interested in it, or puting it out there in general.

but it was a personal issue, compounded with the fact that ive been messed up with this depression shit for about 10 years... and cant seem to find something or someone to blame all my inadaquacies on. as if placing blame would make them any less of a problem...

i put together a front so it makes it look like im ok... but its cracking, its held up for quite awhile... but im not gonna be able to keep it up too much longer before i snap.

-LK

And wanting to end my life. It was just a thought, never acted on it. I have decided to make this world a better place to live, that's why I am a liberal and I hang out on DU.

Lots of good stuff is said on this site but lots also is just depressing shit by people who want Us all to hate whoever they are against.

Find other ways to rate yourself besides politics. Take a good look at politics and find me one good President since Kennedy.

Get away from this political shit and learn other outlets to define yourself. I love music and knowledge in general much more then politics.

I hope and pray you can just forget DU and other political sites for now and live a life for other reasons and happiness.

that and politics is one of my hobbies... and the lounge is more for nonpolitical stuff anyway, so it doesnt matter much, we just hang out here. i dont define myself by politics, thats just one aspect of me.

-LK

do you believe that things are screwed up or that you're a coward when it comes to some things? does this spring from a political thing that happened, or just shitty things in general?


no, you're not alone...a good place to vent here, though.

"once again... my fears win out and cause me to let something good slip away."

is that a reference to a potential significant other that you feel you lost? i don't mean to probe personally...on the other hand, i'm relatively young but taught h.s. history for the last 5 years; young enough to know what you're going through, but old enough to help see another perspective, if that helps...

i dont like throwing out specifics of my life, but yea, thats part of it. probably the number one thing on my mind but i think there must be something more bothering me if im this serious about giving up on life.

ive heard it all before the 'hang in there, it will pass' crap... it hasnt, its just trading one torture for another.

-LK

exactly how you feel, especially when irrational feelings and emotionals are involved. you're at a tremendously tough point in life right now...a whole lot of changes that are coming crashing down on your head at once, and there's nothing that can really, truly have prepared you for it. depression exacerbates it. i can't really just say "it'll be all right, blah blah blah" b/c i hate when people say that off hand without knowing everything that's going on; on the other hand, i guess you can look at it this way...you're at a crossroads right now in your life...depending on what the next several months have in store for you, you have an opportunity to try to start things over with a clean slate, in terms of others. especially with the romantic interests (i'm avoiding using "females" or any other such identifies, b/c i don't want to make assumptions.) i remember vividly feeling the awesome, intense, and immediate pain of rejection and loss at this time a few years ago about the time of graduation/prom, etc., in large part due to a young lady. it seemed like there was nothing and no one else that mattered, like my world had compressed in on itself, and i just couldn't catch a break. not to be trite or cliche, but what seems like the most important person in the world for you today will likely seem much different looking back on it a few years down the road. that doesn't help in the here and now, i realize, but understand...like the title of that book about heather having two mommies or something, it's perfectly normal. 18 is a shitty age. ;-)

its nice to hear from somone whos been there, even though most people have at one point, not many of them can be as understanding or put it like you have...

but i still cant help thinking that she may end up being the best thing that never happened to me.

i suppose im beyond trite already... im sorry.

-LK

She might be a slut and you're better off without her.

she might be so far the other way she might be at risk of being a fundie... but i have a feeling that can be changed. :evilgrin:

well, i guess i donno which might be worse... but she seems pretty progressive in her views... so i never really stopped to ask her officailly what she qualified herself as.

-LK

. . . grabbed her tits and kissed her, really passionately.

That would have been a good plan.

could it be you're overweight? And teased and abused by schoolmates about it? I mean you said earlier it's your own doing...I'm just guessing here...
Do you think you're a worthwhile person who has some good points? What are you interested in? Are you into drugs at all? Are you having problems with girls or a girl? Are you or do you think you're gay? Sorry for asking but keeping your thoughts and feelings pent-up does you no good if you feel as awful as you say you do.

i was just a dork... was teased/abused, yes... its my own doing because ive been ingrained since childhood with the thought that i could have anything i wanted if i desired it enough... logically that comes with reprocussions, if i dont get what i want that would also be my fault, wouldnt it?

i believe in myself and my ideas... im strongly interested in Physics and music. Drugs? na wouldnt touch the stuff. yea... the problem is a girl, so that makes it a no anwser to the gay thing too.

the problem isnt me, its my actions and my approach, at least the way i see it.

i miss any of your questions?

-LK

Nobody's expecting anything out of you at this time of life...so you fail at something, yeah it's hard but you're only 18...Do you have any idea what you want to do with your life? Believe me, you don't have to know what you want to do yet...And sorry, guy, thinking of yourself as a dork and using that as an excuse just does not cut it...I'm a dork sometimes, everybody has been, some people are dorks all their lives but still attain success, look at our current occupant in the white house!

I'm graviting towards the girl thing...did you act meanly or abusively towards her, and for that matter do you find yourself acting that way towards anyone or anything anytime? Do you have pent-up anger you think or feel you vent in an innappropriate manner?

i have an aserbic witt that can sometimes offend though... and that may have come into play, but likley not, considering she knows thats how i am... maybe she just got tired of me being a smartass.

as far as the dork thing goes, it was a response to your question... meaning i wasnt teased because of weight, im average in that area. i was teased because i was just that one really odd kid when i was younger.

-LK

what did you do that you consider "odd"?

yea, you know what the star wars geeks were like... every generation since the 70s has had at least one.

i was just a kid, how was i to know it wasnt cool to wear the shirts... and obsess about the stuff? lol. got me teased, but nothin too bad, now and then i was thrown around a bit, but i just kinda ignored it...

like i said, nothin too bad, but i didnt have alot of 'normal' friends or 'normal' interactions cause of it.

-LK

Imagine that at your age! As it turns out, Star Wars wasn't the enad-all to be-all after all! Created by a human, after all! A human idea, good in the beginning for what it was, but not exactly comparable to say the Golden Gate Bridge! I mean when it was done it was done, no point to keep adding on to it, eh? So they might go elsewhere and build another bridge, but everything's different...so why call it the Golden Gate Bridge also? Maybe my metaphor is faulty but do you catch my drift?

Same with the X-Files, or Star Trek...people just try to keep on making money keeping a concept alive long after it has run it's course!

This is only natural, though...Look...It's getting late and I'm going to bed soon...all I can offer for now is this...investigate the roots of why you feel how you feel...sublimate your feelings into a quest for knowledge...if you like the fantastic (like I do) try delving into some books by Jung or Joseph Campbell (for example, that's what I did when I went through similar experience), or anything that will stimulate you intellectually and help "blow the carbon out"...Eventually things will balance out...acquiring self knowledge, plus time, is the way out of despondence...

I wish you the best of luck, hope to see you around the forum!

In high school, she smoked grass, lived in the attic of her parent's house, listened to great music and kept to herself. I was so envious of her life style. Forty plus years later we are still best friends. She began taking antidepressants five years ago and says they have changed her life. She says she wished she had had them when she was eight years old. She knows the age of her depression now. Her different life style that I admired was just a symptom of her depression. I never knew. I don't think it was anything specific that happened to her, just some messed up serotonins not firing right. Don't beat yourself up - this may be entirely physical. Whatever it is, physical or mental, find the answers and don't think you are alone.

Permanent solution to a temporary problem..hang in there.... the dark days make the bright ones even better.

"Baby have some faith..daylight will come through the darkness."

couldnt do it though... had a few ups and downs since then... so thiers things im glad i was there for, and things i coulda done without, just like anyone else...

-LK

Firstly, if it's to do with a girl then the best thing is to just give her some her space. Go off and do something different, something you enjoy - could be a trip in the countryside, some kind of outdoor activity etc. Just something that makes you feel good, maybe a bit of adrenaline, a change of scene.

Then, if you're feeling a bit better about yourself, the next time you bump into this girl, she'll see that and maybe give you a second chance. Even if she doesn't, there can always be a third, fourth, fifth chance or someone else waiting round the corner.

As for being a "dork", I've always been different to those around me all my life and sometimes that made me want to be even more different.
Now I've realised that the trick is to be similar enough to the "mainstream" so that you can get on with most people. But you also need to have one or two things about you that are different to make you interesting too.

If you're interested in sci-fi then maybe you could channel that into something a little bit more mainstream but similar - maybe architecture or design, scriptwriting, graphic design etc. But don't get too heavily into it, take time to have fun now and again.

Hope that helps.

But I outgrew it after a while!
:hi:
There's two ways of looking at the world: Negative and Positive.
After spending some time with the negative aspects, most realistic people come to the conclusion it's a waste of time.
Be Happy! Women like happy guys!
Got no reason to be happy?
Make one!
Got too many reasons to be sad?
Think of all the people in the world who are worse off!
Go out and HELP some of those people, and you will see your problems are nothing in comparison.
Sometimes people need chemical help being happy(Paxil, Effexxor, etc), but they can normally do it themselves, or wean themselves off the chemicals after a while.
You are no different than anyone else going through the maturation process. The hormones raging through your body make a real muddle of your thinking processes, but the object is to stay alive long enough to come to grips with your sexuality(Woo Hoo!).
Life IS good! You are hereby ORDERED to enjoy it!
I'm a survivor, I made it to 57 so far!
Livin' it and lovin' it!

Bruce

I had clinical depression, but didn't kill myself. Instead, my soul died and my body has continued to exist. I used to pity people like that, but now I'm one of them. It is bearable. Sometimes there are times I can help others or at least make somebody smile. Sometimes even I can laugh--like when some young people at the independent media center were talking about the (then) new local pirate radio station, and I told them I was a coward and they insisted that nobody in that room was a coward. Hah! I spoke truth and they didn't recognize it. I read, do puzzles, play bingo, write a bit, and manage to pass the time. I'm old, so I won't be here too long anyhow. The last shrink I had said that it wasn't me, it was the world, but shrinks can't change the world. I appreciated the honesty--most of them aren't honest. Let me tell you a true story:

When I was young I seemed to have strange ideas, and my folks mocked me with, "Yeah, yeah--they're all out of step but Johnny," meaning, oh sure, everybody else is wrong and you're right, ha ha. So, I was real young and I was in gym class one day and we were just being taught how to march. You know, early preparation for parades and the military--left, right, left, right. We had to turn on command, and everybody in the class was keeping an eye somebody else to see what they should do, except me, the weird one, who was listening to the teacher. So the teacher barks a command and we all react and the teacher blows the whistle and says to stop--that everybody is out of step but me. I really had a strange look on my face on the way home that day, and decided it was safer not to tell my folks.

I'd say hang in there, but hang would be a poor choice of words. How about the old, "Keep on keepin' on!"

:hug: :yourock:

I remember that age and it was a pain in the ass. I just know I wrote a lot of songs back. Sometimes life seems to be a bit of a drag, but it isn't really too hard. I know we all go thru a load of shit once and a while, but I have learned that you just live and life goes on. My personal way of dealing with it all?...Just breathe
Live for the moment and don't let the past or the future get ya down. It is just a waste of time and it WILL get you depressed if you spend time thinking about them. Go outside and breath in the air.

You said that you are graduating so regardless of what else you may have going on in the near future, you are in transition. That is stressful for most people but also a time for new oppurtunities. I know what you mean about the whole "If I want something bad enough, if I try hard enough, I'll get what I want." I have always had that going on too. In my adult life, that manifests itself as anxiety. The truth is that statement is not always true. You cannot be a super hero and even if you were there are some things that cannot be that have nothing to do with you. Having a romantic partner, potential life mate has nothing to do with achievement. It helps to be giving, understanding, and kind but sometimes things aren't meant to be. If you feel that you need to work on these things, that's alright too. You are only 18 and some people never develop these things.