Are you shy?

I know I am and I have been since I was a child. I couldn't carry on a conversation or introduce myself to someone new if my life depended on it.

I've often thought it to be a good sometimes, though. That way you can avoid certain people and groups and not cause any trouble.

But when I was a young teen, my dad didn't see it that way. He didn't realize I was just a quiet person and he'd yell at me because he thought I was just being arrogant and snotty. "What the hell's your problem? Do you only say 3 words a day or something? Quit being so pissy! etc."

What about you? Are you an intovert, too?

and I know it's both a blessing and a bane. Being in high school, it makes you a little less popular, but you have far fewer enemies that way...

I know what you mean.

:)
On a serious note yes I am shy, and I think Lefty has a point, :hi:
I think I know my problem, I am pretty good around other guys but I get real shy around girls. Its not a big deal but damnit I wanna be able to interact, shucks if only conversation was like an online chat I would be great.

Think of girls as your on-line friends. The next girl you meet, think of as Rhiannon.:-)

Very shy. I didn't have friends until 12th grade. I cannot call people. I don't talk to people my age. I'm a loner.

I can't help it. I will talk to anybody. If I am in a restaurant alone and a complete stranger asks to share my table, in most circumstances I will do it.

Up to the age of about 19 or 20, I was extremely shy.

Not shy at all now, I spend most of my free time chasing women.

Freeper women are easy :evilgrin:

but why would you even want to bother? :shrug:

And I find it remarkable that you're so understanding of your father's ignorance. That speaks a great deal for your character in my opinion...

My 5 year old is very soft-spoken and a little shy, but it doesn't take long for him to warm up to one person at a time.

Something To Do With It.

so i guess no.

I was a quiet child, but I'm pretty outgoing now. Actually, I'm the person who always chats with everyone in the grocery store and knows half an airplane full of people by landing. I've been stuck talking to some odd ducks because of this, but in general I love hearing everyone's story.

Do you feel uncomfortable around people when there's no pressure to talk with them?

I often feel we place too much emphasis on what and how much we say to each other, and not enough on shared silence.

I've been at DU almost 2 years; I have under 500 posts. I guess my RL personality carries over VL fairly accurately.

If people try to get close, I back away; physically, or emotionally.

I was at a party a while back; about 6 or 7 times I became conscious of the fact I was standing about 8 feet away from the nearest person.
That in a place where most people were maybe 1-2 ft away from each other most of the time.

I spent so much time alone in my room as a kid that my parents thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I've had neighbors that didn't even know I existed.

I've gotten a little better over the years though - I can hold a conversation now if I have to, but it's really tiring. After spending several hours with other people, like a day at work, I've got to have a few hours to myself.

Unfortunately, I've never managed to find much good about it. I've always hated it about myself, but though I've tried to change I've come to terms with that being a part of me. I've talked to some people who claimed that they were shy their whole life and then just woke up one day and decided to stop; I think if you CAN do that then you were never really shy. With me I feel like it's a part of my character that I can manipulate but never really take control of.

Overall, though, I'm shy but not antisocial, because I truly like people in general, unlike many more talkative, outgoing people I know. I also feel uncomfortable opening up to people because I've always felt different because I feel like I'm truly an individual- but not "different" enough to fit in with the "quirky" kids or the outcasts, though obviously never with the popular kids either. I'm pretty friendly- I smile and laugh a lot, but suck at small talk, and at twenty have only had one girlfriend (although a very close relationship, still a very close friendship) because I totally suck at communicating with the opposite sex.

I can yuk it up at work okay and will often be an instigator, but don't care to spend after work hours socializing much anymore. Guess I did so much drinkin' and hell raisin in my younger days that it caught up with me.

I always say if I'd known I was going to live this long I woulda taken better care of myself!:)

My dad was moving up in his job, but that was tough on me, always being the ``new kid.'' I was close to my dad. He would take me places with him and go off with his colleagues or employees. ``Make a friend,'' was what he used to say to me. I eventually learned to and now think I could carry on a conversation with practically anyone. This does not mean that I didn't suffer a lot in the process.

I am sorry that your dad treated you that way. Obviously, it did not help you. My dad's method was not ideal, either, but it worked, at least in my case.

One thing that you should keep in mind is that most people are like you. Everyone is hesitant, afraid to reach out. If you realize this, it makes talking to others less intimidating. You made this post, didn't you? Strangers answered and responded to you, in a most sympathetic way. I think that should tell you what you need to know about other people.:-)

and men

and animals

and when I'm by myself

this is kind of off topic, but is your sn after the replacements song, left of the dial? if so, i love that song :)

But I've tried so hard to "pass" as an extrovert that many people would be surprised to know it.

This is classic Rogerian doctrine. You behave as your ``ideal self,'' so you become him. Take stock of yourself. You may have become your ``ideal self,'' and that's not bad.:-)

I don't agree with him. I think shyness is genetic and you are a shy person till the day you die.

And ``unconditional positive regard'' will go a long way in getting along with other people and overcoming shyness. Everybody likes someone who goes out of their way to be nice to them.:-)

I can still remember the utter terror as a small child of being expected to actually SPEAK to other people but in reality if someone is chattering away obnoxiously to strangers in line at the grocery store...it is probably me.

They say that men are more tied to their genes when it comes to shyness, so maybe so. But I have a friend like me...who considers himself shy and who claims to have had no friends even as late as high school...and this guy is in no way shy. He is the consummate salesman of the six figures a year variety.

Perhaps it is genetic to believe we are shy...I still believe I am shy...but the reality of my life is way different.

My dad used to speak maybe five words a year until his sixties and now he is quite a chatterbox. People continue to grow and change their whole lives. We just don't acknowledge that they do.

(just my humble opinion here, of course)

Even other animals can change...I am undergoing a strange experience now with a pet parrot who was "born shy and neurotic." He had a near-death crisis, where he was nearly killed in a natural disaster, and suddenly he is "normal." Where is the genetics operating here? Seems to be that environment is trumping genetics big time. This bird is no baby; he is 11 years old!

But I don't think shyness ever really goes away. You just learn to compensate. Some shy folk probably overcompensate with gregarious behavior. It's a way of taking control of that fearful thing, the social situation, by being overtly sociable.

Maybe that's what I am doing and just didn't realize it.:shrug:

dramatically supports the contention that people can and do change. With older people, I think it's a little different, however. When people get older, I believe that they are much less concerned about what others think. For teen-agers, this is one of their main worries. The older we get, I think we worry about this less and less. My freeper mother, who will say anything to anyone and not care what they think, is a good example.

This is very interesting about your bird. They say that a near-death experience can profoundly change a person, so why not an animal? This is reassuring to me. I have a terrified eight-pound dog lying behind me in my chair as I write this. He is afraid of everything and everyone. He was much braver when he was with his ``sister,'' but I lost her two months ago.

in basically any social situation. I wasn't that way as a kid. It seemed to develop over time as I smoked pot for a few years. Nothing against anyone who does, but for me, it triggered anxiety and panic reactions that increased over time. I spent a lot of time searching for the answer to my particular social phobia, and am absolutely certain it was the marijuana. My particular body chemistry did not like it at all. Like pavlovs dog, over time I was conditioned to respond in this way to more and more situations until I found it pure torture to even go to work, knowing that I would have to sit in staff meetings and deal with people all day. And this was occurring years after I had stopped smoking pot. Tension had become such an ingrained habit that I couldn't do anything without thinking about the consequences - the social stigma of shaking like a leaf when just trying to raise a glass of water to drink in a restaurant. Then, I began over time to change. Maybe just due to getting older both mentally and physically. I'm at the point now where almost nothing bothers me - that automatic panic reaction no longer kicks in. It is like living in a different body. Life is much more enjoyable. Much more.

Good luck with your lifes travels

nt

I don't think shy and introverted are necessarily the same thing.

I'm definintely not shy (as evidenced by my behavior in some of the juicier Lounge threads). Once you get me talking I tell people about myself.

But I can be pretty introverted too. I require a lot of time alone to process things. And as chatty as I am it usually takes me a long time to talk to new people about things that I think are really important. (My definition of important just may not match the rest of the world's.)

I always score in an interesting way on the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator test. I'm almost exactly 50-50 on the Introvert/Extrovert scale due to an artifact in the test. I answer all the questions that have to do with public speaking and standing up for yourself like an extrovert. I answer all the questions about preferring to work alone and needing time to yourself like an introvert.

I admire you though for your understanding about your dad. One of my grandmothers was the same way about me when I'd get all insular and I'm not as forgiving about it. Still working on it...

Darth Velma

Darth Velma

I do a lot of public speaking and can give a talk to a large crowd in a packed room without so much as a bead of sweat appearing on my brow, but put me in a social situation and I retreat into my shell at an alarming speed.

My shyness does me no good whatsoever. It's a little like being trapped inside yourself. Inside, I know what I want to say; I know what I should say; but there is always that nagging lack of confidence that stops me saying it.

I met a girl about a year ago that I really liked, we shared the same interests but because she was so pretty and because everybody in my workplace seemed to like her, I firmly believed that I had no chance at all. We both loved writing and so started sending letters and e-mails to each other as friends. The correspondence was great and, alas says the pessimist in me, I started to like her even more.

In the correspondence I found I could be myself and yet everytime I came face to face with this girl my shyness took over and I became dull, withdrawn and deeply uncomfortable.

So I had (and to a certain extent still have) this agonising twin track: in the letters I am the figure I always want to be; in person, crippled by shyness, I become something of a shadow of myself. Shyness can be awfully frustrating sometimes!

:hi:

Absolutely. I have to really get to know someone before I open up to them.

I've been here since March & have just reached 200 posts. Funny thing is at work I talk to the public all the time. I think of it as "showtime". In my personal life I am fortunate to have a few good friends. Life of the party? No.

I'm starting to come around, though. Shyness can be okay if your cool with it, but it can seem debilitating if you don't want to be shy. That's been the case with me.

I have some other issues that I have to take medication for. One of the positive side affects has been that I've become more outgoing. I'm very happy about this because I don't want to be shy. But if you are shy and you're cool with it, don't let anybody tell you that you have to change.

I was enormously shy when I was in middle school, very shy in high school, and only somewhat shy now that I'm in college. I guess I'm improving somewhat but I still feel anxiety when I go to parties and am in large social situations. I deal much better with people in one on one situations.

It requires others to take up the slack in the conversation in order to put YOU (ME) at ease!

Used to think being shy was being humble...not the same thing at all. Being humble you must never put another person on the spot because you cannot think of some clever comment. Accepting that your comments might be stupid...wrong...out of context is being humble..not fear of being looked upon as stupid wrong or out of context.

I recall the Saturday Night Live show...where four men were at a bar and each was talking about their adventures...and the first 3 got great laughs...and the 4th spouted his adventure and the other 3 looked at him like he was a criminal...I laughed like hell...cause THAT was why I was shy?

but reserved. I will easily talk to anyone who talks to me, but I wont step up and talk to any ol person on the street. I really admire people who can do that, and I get along very well with strong extroverts for some reason. Probably becasue Im close to my mom and she is about as much an extrovert as you will find. On the other hand my father is quite shy.

My mother always gave me a hard time about it. It wasn't until I didn't have parental or high school clique pressure that I began to open up more. I grew a lot in college and even joined a sorority. I continued to dread Rush though because meeting many other strangers at a time was still scary. Now I still have anxiety when meeting new people but it comes easier especially if it isn't many at one time.

Im pretty shy when it comes to dating guys, so i cant date shy guys. Othervise im as extrovert as you can get even around guys.

Its weird

It's a major fight to talk before a crowd or a class each time (one I win each time). I still lose the the fight with myself when it comes to talking with a girl though.

I can carry on a conversation but I'm not good at starting them. I don't like groups of people, maybe because I never fit in. I can feel more alone in a large social gathering, than on a hike in the middle of nowhere. As a consequence I don't like most social activites. Which unfortunately makes it difficult to ask women out. This is why I've only had one girlfriend in all my 26 years (but that's another topic).

I tend to talk about the same things over and over (which people also complain about then wonder why I don't talk to them), since most of the things I find interesting, other people find boring.

I like people and I like being with friends, I just don't feel comfortable talking a mile a minute. Small talk is hell on me. The problem is, my brain works much faster than my mouth, and by the time the words pass my lips I've already edited them several times. My brain continues to edit even after the words are spoken. Makes it very tough to be comfortable in social situations. Not to mention I speak very softly.

Shyness has definately affected my relationships, as the longest relationship I've had was less than 2 years. I need to find someone who understands and puts up with me even though I'm not a chatterbox, because there's alot of good stuff in my head that I'd love to share with someone. :)

cause i like to talk, but if they are talking about personal things i get really shy.
Some psycologist says that those kind of problems comes with a complex and that might be right. I have a very big complex about being so skinny but since i got to many eyes around i like it more and more, but i'm still shy

I don't think we can perceive ourselves clearly. I think I am shy because when I was a child I didn't really speak until the double digit ages. However, whenever I mention to friends that I am shy, they burst out laughing hysterically.

Ironically, both of my jobs require alot of interaction with people. I suppose that is good though because it forces me to keep at it; as uncomfortable I may feel.

I open up once in a while and only to to those I feel have the same attitude/values in common with me.

Oherwise, I'm Management in a construction crew trying to get a job done....

being shy has been a real pain in my life, kept me from getting good jobs, having many friends and limited my love relationships. I really have had a hard time with it, especially when I was younger and up into my thirties. As I have gotten older I have come to accept it more, that this is the way I am and I see that sometimes there are benefits. Often if I had had the courage to really say what was on my mind it would have been a horrible mistake. Also as you get older (I am 48) you just don't care as much about fitting in or worry constantly about what people are thinking about you. Anyway, I don't think of as quite the curse that I used to. The internet is TERRIFIC for shy people because it puts you on an equal footing and really gives you a voice. :-)

But I also have learned to live with it more comfortably, accept it, and appreciate the positives it brings.
I'm really good at listening, for example, so feel I can be a good friend and support for those I love. :-)

Internet IS exciting for less extrovert people, but I notice even here I feel shyness and caution.....:D

A good book I read several years ago is "The Highly Sensitive Person: How to survive when the world overwhelms you'" by Elaine Aron,which talks about this in a positive way. A great, supportive read.

:kick:
DemEx