Let's do corny jokes!!!

Q. What's the worst night of the week?

A. It's Saturday, of course. There is a great big TURD right in the middle of it!!

Have at it.

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty smart idea."

The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

He stayed up all night long wondering if there was a dog.

He would stay up all night, wondering if HE were the doG that was out to get him...

But that's beating a dead horse.

.

No answer needed!:)



http://www.cling.gu.se/~cl4rande/smiley/smiley.html

:toast:

The Momma duck says "my instincts tell me to fly North". The Papa duck says "my instincts tell me to fly South". The baby duck says "my end stinks too, but it don't give me directions"!

You neek up on him.....

:-)

Tame way, unique up on him.

Because seven ate nine......

:-)

. . .circumcizing whales.

I was part of a team of four skin divers.

(budabum - ching)

The pay wasn't much, but the tips were enormous.

(budabum - ching)

We'd tan the 'skins and make them into wallets that became briefcases when you rubbed them.

(budabum - ching)

"I'm a teepee!...I'm a wigwam!...I'm a teepee!...I'm a wigwam!..."

The psychiatrist says, "Your problem is you're two tents."






:D
Thank you! I'm here all week!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."


2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.


4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
made him ....what?

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A: He was looking for Pooh.

What did one ear of corn say to another ear of corn?

Did you hear the one about....................

I get the ribbon for worst one so far.

Any hair o' the dog yet? :-) Inquiring minds want to know...

and now am imbibing great quantities once again. Hell, what's a day off without alcohol!!!!! I feel on top of the world!!!!!!

oops - forgot to say thanks for asking! :)

You don't get down off of an elephant. You get down off of goose.

The Toilsome Tale of the Foo Bird

Three well-to-do friends, Buffy, Kip, and Campton, decided to go on a river trip down the Amazon. They booked passage on as luxurious a ship as they could find. When they arrived at the port, they found out that there would be a delay of one day, as the ship was waiting for its supply of Dom Perignon. Not wishing to waste their time at the port--they found there way to a small village of natives. They were embraced by the natives and asked to join them for a farewell feast prior to their departure.

After enjoying a wonderful dinner and a beautiful display of native dances, they were introduced to the shaman of the village, who wished to speak to them. Curious, they agreed to meet with him. He welcomed them warmly, and then gave them an ominous warning: We welcome outsiders to our Amazon river and wish them well on their journey; we must warn you all, however, that within the Amazon there dwells the most dangerous of beasts.
"The leopard?," asked Buffy "No" said the shaman
"The black mamba?" asked Kip "No" said the shaman
"The alligator?" asked Campton "No" said the shaman

"You must fear the Foo Bird--if not careful, he will surely cause you a horrible death"

"However can a bird do that?" asked Buffy.

"The Foo bird flies through the jungle, calling out Foo! Foo! as a warning to all beasts," said the shaman, "When you hear that sound--run for cover, for the bird is about to let loose with the foulest of excrement."

"That's not so bad" said Campton "I've had enough pigeons hit me in the city--not scared of that"

"You should be," said the shaman, "For if any of the bird-droppings hit you--you must never clean it off--For if you do--YOU WILL DIE A PAINFUL DEATH."

With that the shaman would say no more, and bade the travelers a "bon voyage."

The three started their journey the next morning and had the best of times for the first few days, taking pictures, and watching all the fascinating scenery roll by. On the third night, however, after a lovely dinner on the portside deck, they heard the strange call--Foo! Foo!. At that sound, all the staff leapt into the ship or off the deck into the river--one even drowned in fear. The three thought it was just superstition and laughed at their folly. Then--it happened. A loud SQUELCH was heard and Campton yelled out--I've been hit. Sure enough, his hand was now covered with a pound of putrid yellow bird-droppings that steamed in the humid surroundings. Not thinking--he used the water pitcher to wash it off. As soon as his hand was clean, he suddenly went pale. He began to shriek, clutching at his throat, with eyes bulging. Within a few seconds, he was dead, his face contorted in unimaginable pain.

Buffy and Kip were in shock. Surely the shaman was not right--Must have been a weird coincidence. They decided that Campton must have eaten some bad food or something. They mourned their friend, but vowed to continue their journey.

Two days later, Buffy was sunning herself on the deck. The Foo! Foo! was heard--and before she could think to move--she was hit. A greenish lumpy mass had landed right on her chest, and was running down her stomach. She turned to clean it off, but hesitated. Maybe if it dries it won't be noticeable or will disappear--she thought.

The stench though was unbearable. A day later the mass had still not dried, and it stank so bad that no one could come near her without gagging. Eventually, she decided that she was just being silly--and she took a shower. Sure enough--as soon as she cleaned herself off--she began to shriek, a high-piercing sound. She was found by a maid half-out of the shower with a look of profound terror in her eyes.

Kip was now beside himself. He vowed that he would not be caught by the Foo Bird. He locked himself in the cabin for the rest of the journey--not opening the door to anyone. Finally-they arrived at their home port, and Kip disembarked. As he made his way down the gangplank, though, the dreaded Foo! Foo! was heard. He had nowhere to run, and was hit by a black and yellow mass of nastiness right on this head and shoulders. What could he do? He decided to brave it out--and make his way back to the US.

It took him longer than expected--as no one would book him a flight due to the stench he emitted. In the end, he had to teach himself how to fly, buy and airplane and pilot his way back to the US.

When he got home--his family and friends soon deserted him. He was fired from his Bank position and kicked out of his condo association. The police would have picked him up as a nuisance--but noone wanted to get near him due to the stink.

He wound up on skid row, sitting in the gutter, penniless, friendless, and covered with a fetid mass of bird droppings.

Despairing--he let the rain that had begun to fall wash him clean. Within a minute, he was dead in the gutter-his mouth contorted into a mixture of pain and relief.

And what, my friends, is the moral of the story?

















If the Foo shits, wear it.:evilgrin:

I spent 20 minutes on this one, and refuse to have it lost to the thread movements....

*puts on pouty face and stamps foot*

Sorry-- will took too many petulant pills this morning.:P

Thanks! :-)

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

to keep their pants up!

ba da dum, ching!

a lion's a great big cat, and panther's what you wear!

Because he wanted to be in HighSchool!

(that's from a Bazooka gum pack)

"Is the bartender here?"
Get it?
BAR-TENDER?
har har har
:puke:

A traveler, lost on a rainy night, stumbled across a monastery and took shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner, which turned out to be the best fish and chips she'd ever had. After dinner, she went into the kitchen and asked "Excuse me, but who cooked that meal?" Two of the brothers stepped forward in response. "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"Pleased to meet you both. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner."

Both brothers smiled and murmured "Thank you, our pleasure."

"Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles said, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She winced, turned pale, and said to the other brother, "Oh, no. Then you must be..."

"Yes", responded Brother Michael, "I'm the chip monk."

Guy walks in, sits at the bar. orders two bottles of beer. Takes the first beer, pours it through his very loosely clenched fist; drinks the other.

Orders two more bottles. Bartender grunts, wipes up the mess, serves him two more. Guy downs his beer, pours the other through his loosely clenched fist.

Orders two more. Bartender wipes up mess and says, "Buddy only one more for you. Whatever you're doing with that second beer; well, I ain't cleaning up after it anymore."

Guy leans over to bartender, whispers: "Sorry, barkeep, I was just trying to get my date drunk . . ."

:evilgrin:

My 6 year old son's favorite!

All ya add is ... water!

Sorry! :eyes: