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POLITICAL OSCARS 2005

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Triana Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jan-27-05 03:26 PM
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POLITICAL OSCARS 2005
By Arianna Huffington

With this year's Oscar nominations just out and already sparking heated
debate (Was Hollywood too chastened to nominate Michael Moore? Too Jewish to
embrace Mel's "Passion"? And what happened to Paul Giamatti?), I thought it
would be a good time for this column's traditional salute to outstanding
achievements in the worlds of politics and entertainment - which have, after
all, become increasingly hard to tell apart.

This year, I've decided to dub these awards "the Arnolds" - I mean, it isn't
every year that the chief executive of the most populous state in the union
also lands a prominent role in a Jackie Chan flick (though the Governator
playing a womanizing Turkish prince was a bit of a stretch).

So, without further ado, the envelopes please . . .

- Best Sequel: "Shrek 2."
Worst Sequel: Bush-Cheney 2004.

- Performance by a Grizzled Veteran:
Best: "Million Dollar Baby's" Clint Eastwood gets another shot at glory when
he trains a female boxer to fight for all the marbles.
Worst: Kentucky's Jim Bunning gets another term in the U.S. Senate despite
running a confused and incoherent campaign that leaves observers wondering
if he's lost all his marbles.

- Creative Writing:
Best: Charlie Kaufman for his mind-bending screenplay, "Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind."
Worst: Alberto Gonzales for his morality-bending memo calling the Geneva
Conventions "quaint" (a.k.a., "Eternal Torment of the Enemy Mind").

- Freshest New Face: "The Phantom's" Emmy Rossum.
Scariest New Face: The Ukraine's Viktor Yushchenko, after the dioxin kicked
in.

- Best Performance by a Rodent:
Movies: Scabbers the rat in "Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban."
Politics: Tom DeLay.

- Best Sex Exploration: Liam Neeson's Dr. Kinsey visits a gay bar to learn
about the sexual habits of homosexuals.
Worst: Illinois Senate candidate Jack Ryan visits a sex club so he can watch
his wife get banged by strangers.

- Best Mega-Buck Action Fantasy: Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man 2."
Worst: George Bush's "A Democratic Iraq."

- Most Over-Rewarded Lousy Performance:
Movies: Vin Diesel, who received $12 million for mumbling and grunting his
way through "The Chronicles of Riddick."
Politics: George Tenet, who received the Presidential Medal of Freedom
despite presiding over the CIA during two of the most tragic intelligence
failures in U.S. history.

- Best Art Direction: "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow's"
simultaneously retro and futuristic color scheme.
Worst: Tom Ridge's simultaneously confusing and alarming terror alert color
scheme.

- Most Vicious Attack:
Movies: Daniel Travis bleeds to death after being set upon by hungry sharks
in "Open Water."
Politics: John Kerry's campaign bleeds to death after being set upon by
vengeful Swift Boat Veterans in "Muddied Water."

- Most Excruciating Performance by Siblings:
Movies: The Olsen Twins in "New York Minute."
Politics: The Bush Twins in New York at the GOP Convention.

- Performance by an Anchorman:
Best: Will Ferrell in "The Legend of Ron Burgundy."
Worst: Dan Rather in "The Myth of Jerry Killian's Memos."

- Best Bang-for-Your-Buck Ratio: "The Passion of the Christ," which cost $30
million to make and has taken in over $610 million worldwide.
Worst: "The Passion of the Democrats," who spent over a billion dollars on
the 2004 campaign and got nothing to show for it but Barack Obama.

- Most Compelling Clash of Legendary Figures: "Alien vs. Predator."
Most Pathetic Clash of No-Longer-Legendary Figures: Michael Eisner vs.
Michael Ovitz.

- Performance most likely to keep you awake at night:
Movies: Tom Cruise in "Collateral."
Politics: Dick Cheney in "The Vice-Presidential Debate" asserting three
times that he was absolutely convinced that terrorists will try to unleash a
nuclear weapon in the middle of an American city.

- Best Achievement in Costuming: Colleen Atwood for her whimsical, high
gothic outfits for "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events."
Worst: John Kerry for his ill-chosen goose hunting and windsurfing outfits
in "A Series of Unfortunate Campaign Tactics."

- Most Convincing Transformation: The Wayans Brothers' conversion from
hapless black FBI agents into snobby white heiresses in "White Chicks."
Least Convincing: The White House converting the reason for the war from
wiping out Saddam's WMD to bringing democracy to the people of Iraq.

- Best Score: Howard Shore's swirling and soaring music from "The Aviator."
Worst Score: The $139 billion in profits drug companies will pocket as a
result of the new Medicare prescription drug law.

- Most Ludicrous Prison Scenes: Renee Zellweger singing Madonna songs with
her fellow Thai prison inmates in "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason."
Most Revolting Prison Scenes: U.S. guards torturing Iraqi prisoners in "Abu
Ghraib: There Goes the Moral High Ground."

- Performance as a Stepford Wife:
Worst: Glenn Close's scenery chewing turn in "The Stepford Wives."
Best: Laura Bush's ever-smiling turn on Inauguration Day.

- Best Portrayal of a Memory-Challenged Character: Drew Barrymore in "50
First Dates."
Worst: Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz in front of Congress for not
being able to remember the number of soldiers who'd lost their lives in
Iraq.

- Best Fight Scene:
Movies: Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah's knockdown, drag-out duel in "Kill
Bill Vol. 2."
Politics: Zell Miller challenging Chris Matthews to a duel on "Hardball."

- Most Daring Rescue:
Movies: Firefighter Joaquin Phoenix braves hellish heat to save a trapped
man in "Ladder 49."
Politics: John Kerry braves watery doom to save Licorice, the family's pet
hamster, in "Humanizing the Candidate '04."

- Biggest Surprise of the Year: "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle."
Biggest Disappointment: "Dubya and Dick Go Back to the White House."

- Most Romantic Location: "Sideways'" rolling hills and wine vineyards.
Least Romantic: Bernard Kerik's Ground Zero love nest.

- Longest Cold Streak:
Movies: Ben Affleck ("Surviving Christmas," "Jersey Girl," "Paycheck,"
"Gigli," "Daredevil," "The Third Wheel").
Politics: Bob Shrum (Kerry '04, Gore '00, Kerrey '92, Dukakis '88, Gephardt
'88, Kennedy '80, McGovern '72, Muskie '72).

- Best Rip-Off: Nicolas Cage pinches the Declaration of Independence in
order to protect it in "National Treasure."
Worst: Ahmed Chalabi pitches the idea of Iraqi independence to Cheney and
company and pockets $30 million from the national treasury - all while
spying for Iran.

(c) 2005 ARIANNA HUFFINGTON.
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
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