I need some help & input from all the brain power here on DU.

Was that a good enough suck up?

I really do need some help. My one friend, I'll call her "Jane", is about to end her 10+ year marriage. We have been friends for a long, long time and I have seen her make the same mistakes over & over again. She gets bored and sabotages her relationships and gets involved with other men. Linda, another friend of our's & I are really worried about her, but she just does not listen when try to tell her she is making the same mistakes, she really does not see what she is doing. There have been times where she lied to us, changing the story from what she had just told us. Right now she is very mad at us because we listened to her husband, who is also a friend, when he needed someone to talk to. He has followed her every time she wanted to move for school or job. He has worked very hard to support them & their children. But she really believes every problem is his fault. Linda & I are debating if we should sit her down and tell her how we really feel, realizing this could be the end of our friendship, or do we just sit back and let what will happen, happen?

Seriously, when people want to self destruct, they will. Interfering will only make them hate you too.

A friend of our pulled the same thing last year. Bound and determined.

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/48/39198.htm?lastselectedguid={5FE84E90-BC77-4056-A91C-9531713CA348}

Why let her go on ruining her life and the lives of others.

But- if she lies to you can you really call her a friend? Maybe you should keep the husband and get rid of her.

it is very difficult to advise a friend about romantic matters. I've tryed this too but it usually doesn't work.

If she wants to end the marriage, for whatever reason, it is probably best for her to do so. Then the husband can go on with his life, sounds like he deserves better. As for your friend, well you really can't do anything to change her so just accept her as she is.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but this is how I feel.

We have seen dozens of new friends come & go. She is very good at being who & what people want when they first meet her, but she cannot keep it up for too long. Then the friendship or love affair is over and she is back crying on our shoulders about how no one else understands her like we do. I know I'm making her sound like a horrible person, but she's not. She very smart, funny, talented, giving and adventerous. I know I would want a friend to stop me from stepping in front of the mac truck, but I'm not sure she does.

however is set a boundary for YOURSELF. Don't enable her. Let her know that you accept and understand her, but that you won't enable her to do things that you obviously feel are inferior moral standards for how people should conduct their lives.

Every time you let her cry on your shoulder, you are helping to enable and promote her decision-making. Perhaps if her 'friends' woudl cut her off, she might be left alone with her conscience long enough to get her brain wired better.

And, how empowering is it for you (who probably is keeping a good marriage/relationships up and running well) to be brought down to HER level? I wouldn't want that element in my life. It's too tough to keep positive.

Then again, do you and your friends kind of get a little jolt of feeling good about yourselves as you watch this gal destroy relationships? I mean...she probably makes a lot of you look like saints. (I am not trying to be caustic.....but in all relationships there is a payoff for bad behavior if the people continue with negative dynamics).

they're just not wired for it. Your friend sounds like one of them. I'm sorry to say that, but it's what I've observed in cases like this before. It difficult, if not impossible, to change behaviorial patterns such as this, and when marriage is brought into the picture, it just makes things worse, IMHO.

and give you an assesment of the situation.

I don't intend to sound mean when I say this, but your friend is very selfish. She is self-centered and is not cognizant of the people around her.

What would I do? I would try to get her to internalize her feelings for once so she actually feels some guilt for what she's done. Once she realizes what she has done, she should get her life in control. Did she go to college? If not, tell her to go back to college or school and learn. I feel that it is empowering and it will make her more independent and less dependent on the people around her, especially men.

Is my advice alright? I tried.

Oh yes, on a sidenote, I don't think the marriage will work. She needs to start all over again.

She is actually an excellent teacher.

what .02 cents I have to say.

You are probably right (and observant) that she has been repeating a destructive pattern over and over in her life. But she has to be the one to:

1) recognize it
2) be willing to change it

These two things are unlikely to happen at your insistance. It takes a lot of will to look at yourself in the mirror and see an honest picture. She seems unwilling to do that at this time. You've pointed it out. That's the most you can do, besides perhaps suggest she get counselling for the self-sabatoge.

The guy, OTOH, may be very nice. He also may have martry-savior issues that keep him in relationship with her personality. (Pure speculation, on my part). The main point is it takes two to make a relationship mess. And if it is ever to work out, both must realize their parts in it.

This needs to play out (whatever the result) between those two. Remain neutral. If her actions start to poison her relationship with you, then feel free to tell her to take a hike.

Unless she comes to you and says, "What am I doing wrong?" she won't listen to anything you have to say.

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about her husband if he's also a friend. He's been very badly treated. I'd give him emotional support and counsel him to get out of the relationship and stay out if he asks. Remain neutral toward her. If she's lied to you before, she may not even be a very good friend.

Do you have the same brand of values as this gal? If not, then why is she considered a friend?

Sounds more like a habit, not a friendship.

Time to move on. I wouldn't even bother busting her.

and I are very close to her youngest daughter. I think she needs us in her life and if I end my friendship with Jane it might end our relationship with her daughter.

Run as far as you can, as fast as you can.

And her great husband might just have a shot at having a decent life with a decent woman before he's too old to enjoy it.

Isn't the focus really on her being a bit of a scamp? and that maybe you should sit her husband down and guide him to be stronger?

Let her cruise......the kids and the hubby will be much better off in the end.

And that's my take on it. Sorry.

(But, yes, confront her - a tough love intervention. But she ain't going to grow a conscience or acquire integrity just because it's the RIGHT thing to do. Or she already would have. and keep her away from your husbands and also your teen boys!)

is she is going to do what she is going to do, sooner or later. In this situation sooner is better for her husband because at least he can start getting his life back together instead of floating in limbo.

I distanced myself a bit from a friend who left her husband (her second one) for a guy that she had had an affair with in her first marriage who was a chronic cheater and jerk. Of course, she had problems with this guy after she moved in with him who had another girlfriend on the side as well. She told me about everything and asked my advice, following none of it. She said that she is ruled by her heart, not her mind so logic has no bearing on her. Perhaps, your friend is like that too. Anyway, I ended up distancing myself from her because I realized that we had very different world views and had a considerable amount of emotional turmoil over her situation. I wouldn't necessarily advise you to dump your friend though. I had only been friends with my friend for about a year. Our relationship was still in the growing phase. If you have been friends for considerably longer or consider her one of your best friends, this friendship might be worth hanging onto but it will be difficult. If she is a good friend, you should be able to tell her how you feel but try to not be hurtful. She may be angry with you, but if she values your friendship, she will cool down after a while.