Rant about my psycho Mother--How F'd up is she?

My Mother loves pity. The Queen of Victimhood, she will invent a problem if necessary. She was invited to my brother's for Thanksgiving ( he'd fly her there) but refused (she's always mad at somebody). My Sister invited her as well but she wouldn't drive herself. A week before T'giving she sent out a pathetic email about being alone for the Holiday and failed to mention she'd turned down 2 invitations. She made damned sure she was on the 'net when I tried to call her all morning on T'giving, so I emailed her (she's done this before, one Christmas: "Nobody called me Oh poor me" while her she's unavailable) She emailed back that I "hadn't tried hard enough" to reach her and she was all alone boo frickedy hoo.

Turns out she'd acceptede an invite to my Aunts the week BEFORE T'giving and went there for dinner, where she proceeded to talk trash and run her children down to the family--which she's done all our lives--in order to elicit sympathy for herself.

Bitch doesn't think anybody in this family talks to each other I guess.

It's dammned hard to realize at the age of 40-something that your own Mother is a manipulative, troublemaking liar--in fact, always has been and always will be.

How the hell does one deal with this?

that we knew nothing about. ;) :hug:


My mother has informed me that 1. She's not celebrating holidays anymore. 2. My kids have "their Poppy" (said in a high pitched whiney voice) and don't need her (this one would break my sons heart if he knew) 3. I should "invest my money more wisely" ( this said in a thank you (( more like F You) card for her birthday gifts.

Suffice to say, I'm feeling you. I deal with it by calling every once in awhile and trying to ignore the rest of it. My father left her after forty years of marriage in JUly, and she's been on a rampage ever since. She's not like this because of the split....she was pretty much the same before. :hug:

My Dad died in 1977 and I recall thinking "Oh God now her victimhood is complete" and boy she's hung onto that one like a treasure. Her B-day is near Christmas and if you wrap her gift in Christmas paper she has a fit. She is unwilling to be pleased with anything, ever, and dwellls on minutia if necessary in order to make everyone around her miserable. Unfortunately her grandchildren are now old enough to pick up on this and it's sad. Knowing her she'll start complaining about them shortly. After her last visit the family was so tense I decided to never fly her down here again.

A more manipulative woman never existed. I keep envisioning her trying to get into Heaven and my own mom kicking her back to Hell.

had in life and is loving cheerful and WISE.

Give her what she wants. Always treat her like she's deserving of pity. Play her game. She won't like it, eventually. You can let her know that you wouldn't be so worthless if only you had had a different mother, but hey, that's life, and can you get some pity, too, please?

=========

Believe me, I understand. My mother is the eternal martyr. Her children just aren't grateful enough. Grrrr.

20 years. I gave her pity but its never enough-she'll suck you dry complaining about the grass in her front yard (I am NOT exaggerating here). I stopped her from trashing my siblings to me but she still tries to sneak in a zinger whenever possible. I found out recently she'd turned on me and i was finally "at bat" -- she blabbered all sorts of nasty things, mostly made up, some with a scintilla of truth--and it's like my whole friggin childhood came smashing through the roof of my house. I'm 10 again. I'm the sole source of all her problems, from migraines to undiagnosed crohns disease, anxiety, and a goddam seizure disorder to boot. (All that finally got attention when I hit 30 and forced her to see some specialists instead of her quack doctor. I guess I became the Mother, She kinda liked that now that I think of it.)

thank you for letting me vent. I really don't know whether to laugh or cry.

but I love these mother/mother in law threads. I read every single word...

Like I said, I didn't have much of a problem in adulthood...til I married...then I thought it was just me, because Michael is so close to his mom....I thought I had a horrible problem.

Then I started listening to other women...it's pretty common, and pretty bad. So, I feel like I am in a "club" now...and it sucks, but it's easier.

Not everyone got Donna Reed for a mother. Some of us had Mommie Dearest, or a reasonable facsimilie thereto. x(

...my sister and myself are always on my father's side. Never hers. She's just a poor miserable put upon wretch. No one cares. No one understands.

The latest? I asked my mom and dad to come up this weekend and help me pack the house. Essentially, the plan was Dad and I pack the house (I'm 16 weeks pregant) and Mom watches the kids. Easy work because my girls are absolute gems at amusing themselves and all she'd have to do is play referee from time to time. They're also going to babysit on Monday so I can go out of town for my amnio.

At any rate, I get this woe is me, I'm expecting too much of her song and dance and it's so hard for her to do this for me.

I didn't play her game. I told her we're both adults and if she doesn't feel up to helping me out then she should take responsibility for her own personal well being and set some limits as to what she can and cannot do and then inform me of them.

Her response? "Doesn't love enter into it?"

Martyrs, can't live with them and killing them only gives them what they want.

Excellent response re: boundaries. Please advise how one establishes boundaries like "Please don't lie your ass off". Seriously. Oh, and "Please don't reveal everything you know about me & mine which could be embarrassing if spun in a nasty light? Or MAKE SHIT UP."


Jeez. HOW COULD SHE? I can't IMAGINE talking my kids down to my siblings or to each other.

Martyrs, can't live with them and killing them only gives them what they want!

right to the day my mother in law was having lunch with the woman she WISHED my husband had married--an ex-girlfriend of his. How do I know she wanted that? Easy...she NEVER told us congratulations after we married, no card, no present, no going out to dinner...nope...she looked in my eyes, held me firmly by the arm and said,

"I really believed Michael was going to marry *****"

It's been downhill from there.

However...Michael sees what a loon she is, so I don't have that to worry about, (he is worried about her reading DU...if she is :hi: ...because I don't care.

At my age, I am way too old to play games...I think she knows it too...I don't think she will apologize to me because she doesn't want to hear what I have to say about this bullshit.

ex GF-- and mentioned her occasionally. Let it roll off.

20 years later it ain't such a big deal.

Evidently everybody's parents are nuts.

Shes even inviting his ex and her family to his son's bday party that they're hosting. I refuse to go. Then she calls my hubby, lets loose that shes inviting them and if he wants "you and purr's FAMILY can come" meaning my 3 kids that arent related to her.

His ex cheated on him probably well over 100x over the 3 year period they were together, became pregnant countless times by other men and then 'aborted' them herself. The KICKER (why i devulged her openness)is.. my mother is a 'highly religous born again christian' and tells my husband we're going to hell all the time.

She didnt come to my shower.. showed up at the wedding and was miserable.. wouldnt talk to anyone like she was better than they were. She even went on VACATION when we had the babys christening last month and didnt even say congrats or get him anything - only "I hope all goes well on Saturday"

DH sees all of it too and he knows what shes like and shakes his head. I even told DH that I KNOW she rather you be with HER and not me..

I dont care.. As far as I'm concerned she can KMA.

without bitches like this adding to it. I always hope my MIL reads these threads since she doesn't have the balls to talk to me--all she has ever done is whine to Michael about her behavior with the "I didn't mean anything by it" horseshit.

She says that we make no attempt to visit them.. We dont have a big enough car to put everyone in. So shes insuating to leave MY kids home with my mom and only take their grandson (DH's son) to visit.

She can make all the snide remarks to him and on his vm about me but she never can bring her problems up to me. I gave up on caring when she basically flat out said that she wants nothing to do with me or my kids only DH's son, BUT.. we (my entire family) was to treat his son like one of our own (which we do anyway but the point of it...).

She even gets his ex's kids presents for the holidays and their bdays.. I find something really ODD about this situation. I never was a bitch to her... I was nothing but nice to them when they came around. Their loss.

and she loves drama so when none is happening she creates her own.

I don't know what to say to that, but I offer my sympathy.

I've got one JUST like that! Why is this behavior so common? It's spooky how familiar this sounds. Is it some sort of dementia that happens to a majority of elderly women?

...that's awful! I am so sorry. Your mom's first priority should be you, your health, your well-being, your feelings. You and your sister's.

I even get mad at my husband when he says to our son, "Daddy needs hugs." Our baby isn't there to fulfill our emotional needs, we're there to fulfill his. I just can't imagine being so selfish with one's own children.

If I were you, I'd tell her that I was disappointed in her and that she should grow up.

So Sorry.

The obvious payoffs for her is that she assumes she's entitled to project her pain/ the pain your family feels onto the rest of the family, deny it and act it out. The unfortunate cost is that she gets to keep her responsibilities in the shadows where they fester. I'd be surprised if she didn't have some kind of body eating disease. She's not going to ever change without there being some precipitating chages in your family.

Gertrude Stein said something about families being where we come from not anything we owe allegience to. I know that interferes with your desire for peace and the chance to integrate your mother into your family in positive ways.

As for her, I'd have everyone repeatedly tell her to continue being as upset as she can about as much as possible. This may generate an actually helpful conversation with her. She may verbally explode which will be a big release for her. There are only a couple of ways this should play out. When she sees your efforts as genuine, over time she'll pull back from her extreme behaviors because she no longer has to so mightily defend keeping them. They serve some function for her and the family. Have other family members of other generations acted like she does? I suspect she's playing out an invisible loyalty to someone who significantly affected her.

As for you, you're in obvious need of some clearing and rejuvination. This works for me. Sit
comfortably. See yourself in the middle of a perfectly formed, comfortably large circle. Give yourself whatever time for it to come into view. As you gently concentrate on its perimeter and the space inside it, it will fill with peace. You can increase this by asking that it increase and by continuing your focus and normally breathing in and out. After you've done this for, say, a minute or so, see the circle filling with gentle, flaming gold, moving through you and all around you. Relax and breathe that in and out for awhile. It operates with and is independent of your breath. Any movement you get is a sign that you're processing what you're holding. Duration helps build the image and benefits as does frequency. A minute or so is all you need to do at any one time to get great benefits unless you want to do more. After awhile, you can do this anywhere.

You can diffuse conflict in your family by recalling your circle and doing the same for family members. If you put down your circle first, you'll be raising the frequency of everything inside of it and their reactions won't affect you nearly as much as if you don't. The most thorough way of doing this is to do the above going back to the grandparents on each side or what you remember of them. See them in pairs facing each other in their own circles of gentle flame. Then do this for each of your grandparents and each of your parents eventually getting down to your mother and you. This is the long way around but the most thorough and one that will repay repeated efforts. If you want the big bang, so to speak, do the above for you and your mother after you've spent some time with it alone. I've done this and I'm more peaceful towards family members than before.

Will do the circle exercize.

THANK YOU.

You're welcome. I'd be honored to hear how it goes either short term or longer.

so that she can't complain about no invites.

you want I should kick her ass? I won't break her arm, I'll just bend it a little

Glad to see you're still in fine form. :-)

:D

to add excitement to her life. She needs to get over being a drama queen.

Sorry that you have to live with this. When I hear things like this, it really makes me appreciate MY mother.

:hug:

She can't go to this gathering because her stepdaughter's (my sister's) husband's lesbian sister will be there. She can't go to that one because her daughter and her BLACK husband will be there. At least she's not online annoying people. (Computers are stupid and so are people who use them)

Let's get them all together and lock them in a room someplace. What comes out when the door is finally opened should be interesting.

What is the benefit of sooooo disrespecting ones own family? The LAST folks you should think you're ABOVE are the ones who know exactly where you come from! I don't get it.

she sounds just like my sister when she is drinking or dry drunk.

It's no fun.

Along with the rest of my lying, manipulative, abusive family.

It's your call, and cutting the ties is tough, but respectfully--especially because you're both adults, it isn't your obligation to put up with that level of dysfunction anymore, yes, even if she is your female parent. Past a point, and she's well past it, it isn't healthy for you to be exposed to a person so out of control. My unsolicted advice? Get a (metaphorically) sharp knife, and start removing these extremely negative influences from your life.

Good God, that would drive me nuts. Sad to say, but eventually I'd get sick of it and cut her out of my life. Would never be able to play that "game" for long.

My mom is a controlling bitch. It's the most horrible feeling in the world to hate your own mother, but I do.

My father died when I was 13, and for 10 years, I was under the thumb of this witch and my not-yet-stepmonster. I could not escape from them and their screwed up relationship. She held all the money, and with no degree, I was stuck there.

Their relationship was so screwed up. Out of a 9 year relationship, they were only married for a year and a half, and during that year of marriage, they didn't even live in the same city. She ALWAYS chose him over me. ALWAYS.

For a long time I thought I could work past it. So many of my good years were wasted trying to start my own life and get the fuck away from her, but I was constantly fighting her. I just thought I'd have time later to do all the stuff I wanted.

Well, now that I've been diagnosed with MS, I'm furious. I could fucking KILL HER for wasting so many wonderful years in my 20s for me. I had dreams of travel and adventure that I never got to realize. Now? Between the threats of terrorism and my illness (making my legs unsuited for long walking expeditions around Florence or Paris or Vienna the way I used to be able to do), I will NEVER be able to do some of the stuff I wanted.

When she was up for Thanksgiving, it was all I could do not the fall on her and begin choking her.

Did I mention my brother has completely estranged himself from her too? She also threatened to kill me two years ago. The only reason I'm still speaking to her is because I wanted some of the old family letters to finish writing my family history. I have them now.

I MADE her take me out of her will. I was sick and tired of the bitch using it for leverage. I don't want anything from her except to have her out of my life.

So, yes dear, I understand your anger and frustration. Know that you have an elite club of members here at DU who also belong to the mother hating club.

fsc

one of the luckiest people on the planet. My mother died at age 33. I had a life time of this kind of stuff before me.

:hug: Here's hoping you can survive w/out too much drama.

sounds way too much like my MIL. TG she lives 3000 miles away and we only have to see her once a year or so.