tough love .. is TOUGH

on the parent too :(

I SO want to help, but I just can't this time. I won't allow my son to be irresponsible knowing that I'm helping him to be that way. arghhh that doesn't make sense does it?


:(

to allow the behavior is to condone it, perhaps even to enable it ...


Hang in there. Change takes time.

by helping him out, i'm allowing him to continue to be irresponsible.

:shrug: He NEEDS to grow up. He's 23 and he and his g/f are expecting my first grandchild in late march early april.

:banghead:

I will make sure the baby has what he/she needs when the time comes, but I won't enable them to be always asking for money :cry:

Of course you'll buy things for the baby. You'll even take over care packages so your daughter-in-law isn't overwhelmed with shopping for new baby necessities. I have no doubt that she'll appreciate your thoughtfulness from time to time.

:hug:

:hug:

but stay strong. My younger brother certainly needed a dose of it, but my parents always gave in and bailed him out. Once, sure, twice, maybe if you're working hard and just slipped, three times, perhaps if it's far removed from other issues. Now, he's just a spoiled manipulator who I don't know how he will make it when my dad dies 'cause none of us will be coming to his rescue. I know that sounds harsh. If he was trying to change or progress, I would be right there beside him, but I think he needs a wakeup call and hit bottom first.

I made ONE big mistake and my parents kicked me out of the house and disowned me for months. Looking back, I'm all that much stronger and better because of it. (And, yes, I will admit that this is where some of my hostility toward my brother comes from.)

It's probably the hardest thing you'll do, but likely the best. Just be there to help when the person starts moving in the right direction.

that I'm doing the right thing. I have loaned (read given) him money and I know he's lied to me over and over again ... sigh... but I have to stop the insanity and cut him off financially. I will not see him starve, he's far from it. He needs to grow up and become a responsible citizen.

:hug: thank you for your sharing, and response :)

You know you are even if it doesn't make you feel any better knowing it. I hate coming down on my daughter and not letting her go to a friend's etc. when she isn't deserving of it. They don't see that it's not any fun for you to have them moping around. :hug:

wonder where 'I' went wrong. I didn't teach him to be irresponsible. He needs a lesson in selflessness too. :(

Here's the thing. We can only take our children so far on their personal journey. We have to realize that peer pressure and their own free will will account for part of the character. Don't be so hard on yourself. Look at the whole picture of what you have accomplished as a mom. My daughter lacks a certain amount of empathy...sometimes. and there isn't a thing I can do about it except for talking to her about regrets.

Son called this morning wanting to *borrow* money so that he could take his SO out to buy a winter coat, she's pregnant and I guess needs one.
I refused to send money, I get tired of his asking and my giving .. feeling like I'm being used and also that I'm really NOT doing him any favours.
Anyway, I have a very nice winter parka here that no longer fits me, sure it's a bit big and might be large on her (but she is pregnant!) but I'm going to Fed-Ex it to her tomorrow.

I refuse to send money but I hate to see her cold in the wintertime ..

am I wrong for even doing that?

aA

:shrug: why is it so hard :(

And no.... you are not wrong. You are finding a perfect solution! You clearly love your son, and you have such compassion to worry about his girlfriend that way. What a wonderful idea, and a reasonable compromise.

validating my thoughts on this. It's SO hard .. :hug: I appreciate it.

Did tough love with my son when he was 17. Now ten years later he's a successful businessman, thanks me several times a year for all I did for him, and that the tough love was the best thing I could have done for him. He thinks he could have ended up dead...instead he got a chance to start again.

At the time, I told him it was his turn to build the bridge back to me...he did :hi:

my young man is 22 and soon to be a father :( ( :) )
I'm hoping my 'tough love' "the bank-of-mom" attitude works!

I'll never see the baby in need of anything, but i'll be darned if he's going to keep 'borrowing' money from me and never taking responsibility for the fact that he has no money of his own.

He works full time :shrug:

but here's a hug for support, auntieA :hug:

Sounds like you're on the right path. :-)

it's so hard being a parent. no one said it would be easy, but there is no 'user' manual :(

I know it makes me feel like an evil puppy-squisher.

I'm in the middle of some tough love right now and I wish I didn't have to do it.

to say the least.

:hug: I hope it works out ok for you

It sounds like yours is looking to be somewhat more long-term than mine; I have a feeling that once the immediate result is achieved, the person I'm tough-loving is going to hold a grudge. But it has to be done for her sake.

Congratulations on becoming a grannie!

:hug: thanks !

might have something to do with this,

The hardest understanding in my life
was what love really is

especially when one's ego and history is involved.

Yeah that is tough