My addition to the "war on Christmas".

If Jolly old Saint Nick were able to
answer letters with what was truly on his mind. . .



Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend,
JaKe

Dear Jake,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

__________________________

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
______________________

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this but, for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
______________________

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony, and a
tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

_______________________

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
______________________

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most of my time making low-budget films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the butts of cocktail girls while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
_____________________________________

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,

like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just that blonde?
Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
__________________________

Dear Santa,
I really really! want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
__________________________

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why you're getting beat up
at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa