I feel like I've reached a new nadir of self respect

or a new height of self-loathing or something.

Oh, well. How does that serenity prayer go? "Oh Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Something like that.

What have you done that inspires this ambivalence?

I have done nothing, and that is what irks me. That and feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things that I really can't do much to fix. It's probably just the season.

"Archaischer Torso Apollos"

Wir kannten nicht sein unerhörtes Haupt,
darin die Augenäpfel reiften. Aber
sein Torso glüht noch wie ein Kandelaber,
in dem sein Schauen, nur zurückgeschraubt,

sich hält und glänzt. Sonst könnte nicht der Bug
der Brust dich blenden, und im leisen Drehen
der Lenden könnte nicht ein Lächeln gehen
zu jener Mitte, die die Zeugung trug.

Sonst stünde dieser Stein enstellt und kurz
unter der Shultern durchsichtigem Sturz
und flimmerte nicht so wie Raubtierfelle;

und brächte nicht aus allen seinen Rändern
aus wie ein Stern: denn da ist keine Stelle,
die dich nicht sieht. Du mußt dein Leben ändern.

- Rainer Maria Rilke



Edited to add the translation:

"Archaic Torso of Apollo"

We never knew his fantastic head,
where eyes like apples ripened. Yet
his torso, like a lamp, still glows
with his gaze which, although turned down low,

lingers and shines. Else the prow of his breast
couldn't dazzle you, nor in the slight twist
of his loins could a smile run free
through that center which held fertility.

Else this stone would stand defaced and squat
under the shoulders' diaphanous dive
and not glisten like a predator's coat;

and not from every edge explode
like starlight: for there's not one spot
that doesn't see you. You must change your life.

because it makes me feel better. And I don't feel like totally spamming the poor lounge.

"Musee des Beaux Arts"

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

- W.H. Auden

Lights out tonight
Trouble in the heartland
Got a head-on collision
Smashin' in my guts man
I'm caught in a crossfire
That I don't understand
I don't give a damn
For the same old played out scenes
I don't give a damn
For just the in-betweens
Honey I want the heart, I want the soul
I want control right now
Talk about a dream
Try to make it real
You wake up in the night
With a fear so real
Spend your life waiting
For a moment that just don't come
Well don't waste your time waiting
Badlands, you gotta live it every day
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price you've gotta pay
We'll keep pushin' till it's understood
And these badlands start treating us good

Workin' in the fields
Til you get your back burned
Workin' 'neath the wheel
Till you get your facts learned
Baby got my facts
Learned real good right now
Poor man wanna be rich
Rich man wanna be king
And a king ain't satisfied
Till he rules everything
I wanna go out tonight
I wanna find out what I got

I believe in the love that you gave me
I believe in the hope that can save me
I believe in the faith
And I pray that some day it may raise me
Above these badlands)

For the ones who had a notion
A notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
I wanna find one face that ain't looking through me
I wanna find one place
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands

and here's just one more...to say the things I can't or won't say, or don't quite mean, but feel anyway, somehow....

from Roky Erickson:

Oh yeah!
Ahh!
You're gonna wake up one morning as the sun greets the dawn.
You're gonna wake up one morning as the sun greets the dawn.
You're gonna look around in your mind, girl, you're gonna find that
I'm gone.
You didn't realize,
You didn't realize,
You didn't realize,
You didn't realize,
You didn't realize.
Oh! you're gonna miss me, baby.
Oh! you're gonna miss me, baby.
Oh! you're gonna miss me, child, yeah, yeah.
I gave you the warning,
But you never heeded it.
How can you say you miss my lovin,
When you never needed it?
Yeah! Yeah! Ow!
You're gonna wake up wonderin',
Find yourself all alone,
But what's gonna stop me, baby?
I'm not comin' home.
I'm not comin' home.
I'm not comin' home.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah!

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain


I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I knew I miss her
So I had to keep her
She's buried right in my back yard


I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
She bitched so much
She drove me nuts
And now I'm happier this way


I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

Metaphorically speaking of course. I wish no harm(cough, cough) to anyone.

Because I am alive, because
I can feel
This air moving in and out of my lungs,
This beat of my heart,
The smoothness of the sheets under my hands.

Because I am alive, because
I can see the sky
And feel the rain and wind
And see the smiles on my friends' faces
And the sound of music.

Because I am alive, because
I exist
I am overjoyed.

I am alive.