Should I get divorced?

Ok, I do love my husband, and I wouldn't really base any decision on a poll in the Lounge.

I'm actually just trying to make light of the fact that I'm not 100% convinced I want to stay married.

Having a baby changes everything.

I feel like I've taken on the majority of responsibility to make things work, that I've made the majority of sacrifices, done most of the housework and that he's tried to sabatoge every possibility of creating a livable situation.

My husband feels the exact same way about me.

I'm willing to concede that the reason we both feel we have the short end of the stick is that there's not enough stick. The baby has the stick.

My husband is only willing to believe that he has done everything right and that I have poured myself into my career and completely neglected my family.

My husband recently made it clear that he needs me at home more, and that he is ready to go back to work full time.

So I reduced my schedule to part time.

Now my husband says that he's unprepared to take on a greater financial burden.

I am not convinced that I want to make this work. I am close to taking the baby to Chicago where my family is and starting over there as a single parent.

Anyway, I will try to take on enough freelance work from home to make up for my loss of income going part time.

And we've started a housework log, so the next time we get into a fight about who does more housework, we can just go to the log and it will all be right there.

Fuckin' A.

:crazy:

Anyway, I do love my husband, and he does work hard. And he has had it rough since we've been married. I had that car accident and I was disabled, he had to do everything in the house and bathe and dress me and take care of me like a baby. Then I got pregnant, and then I got very sick. He's done a lot.

But so have I. I have not neglected my family. He feels neglected because he is a baby and he's put himself in competition with our son for love and affection.

Anyway, I'm in for the short term. But I'm really starting to think more and more about my options.

I never thought this would happen to us.

Any marriage would be strained under these circumstances. I'm not saying don't separate, but hang in there - it might be worth it for you and the baby in the long run.

He thinks we can't afford it. He's made everything contingent on me paying for everything on a part-time salary.

seriously. If he won't go with you, go alone.

It might even prove beneficial for the other spouse, too!

my husband is a workaholic and we got into a big argument about how he worked and worked and didn't spend enough time with family. So I kept a log on a calendar of what time he left and came home every day. So the next time we have a tiff...I bring out the calendar....and instead of admitting that I was right ...that he was gone a lot...he says..."Wow...can I use that...I need to get my time in for payroll and now I have a record to start with"...

I could have made him eat that damn calendar...

That's too much.

I also want to install a camera above our bed so that he can see that be the middle of the night he's got 85% of the bed and 99% of the covers. And he calls me a bed hog. This is the part that's just crazy-making!

Oh Well. Thanks for your story.

you two have been through a lot and you need to gain some perspective and a counselor should help.

I too had a very harried first few years of marriage and it made life hell...

married, baby, me very sick, work a problem for me, work a problem for him, another baby, him changing jobs three times in three years...nearly ended in divorce...but counseling helped...that and I now drink...just joking on the last part...

A sense of humor really does help!

Thanks.

worth their salt would give you.

It sounds as if you are both at the ends of your ropes...not an imaginary stick held by the baby---and need a professional to mediate this dispute.

If you are at the point where you are considering being a single mom, then you are past the point where you should have been in the office of a qualified marriage counselor.

Make an appointment today...now.

And good luck to you!

Stephanie

...or see if there's a free mediation service. I used to know of one, but they lost their funding.

Thanks.

I JUST posted that when I saw your post! ;)

I can't stand the thought of the stress you two are under...it really bothers me; you have always been one of my favorite DUers. Michael and I got married either the day of, or the day after you had your wreck...and I remember your wedding photos.

You know, when I was in my hospital bed, and they wheeled me up to my husband in his tuxedo, with all our friends and family there and all the white crepe paper streaming in the orthopedic gym, I knew it was right. I knew through and through that our marriage was right and that I was so lucky.

He is a wonderful, generous man.

Thanks for your sweet post.

(without having met him) he really sounds as if he is Mr.Right. I think he might be feeling horribly overwhelmed....maybe even inadequate to handle the responsibility?

(I am talking out of my behind now)

I hope you guys go see a counselor and work this out---I just have a "gut" DU feeling that this marriage shouldn't end--

:)

Wish you lived closer...I could help babysit...I am bored stiff right now on school break!

A regualar babysitter would help things a lot.

We just had another one fall through.

:loveya:

Although if you're nice to me I'm sure I can get RBNYC to invite you too!

I would strongly, strongly suggest marriage/family counseling for you both. You've had so much going on and there've been so many things building up. It's not unusual for a man to feel jealous of his child and that right there screams out for some counseling but your accident and everything else makes it that much more important - you both have had a lot of upheaval over a fairly short span of time.

And in the meantime, :hug: I'm sorry - that's a lot of stress to deal with.

I really feel like I have no advocate. Every time my husband and I have a serious discussion I find out that he and I see 2 totally different realities. I'm willing to find middle ground, but he really just wants me to be wrong.

You can't have a partnership where one person counts on the other person to be wrong so they can be right.

was when my kids were babies.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

but we have had our rough spots. I have found that holding my breath, biting my tongue and moving on have been the best methods to deal with the hard times. Once we had kids, I very much wanted them raised by two parents, so I worked twice as hard at keeping my marriage healthy.

The bottom line for me is that I have never stopped loving him. I get furious at him sometimes. Like last week, when he was sick and wanted the whole world to know :grr: But this week, he feels fine and is back to his cheery self.

I also think counseling is not a bad idea. Even if your hubby resists, go for yourself. Take care of yourself first. That baby needs you.

And trust me, when you blink, that child will be grown.

It is the hard times that really test commitment and love. If the love is still there, the rest will fall into place if there is compromise and the want to make it work. I know marriages are tested especially when kids are involved, but the fact that you are asking means you aren't sure. Maybe marriage counseling could help. I hope whatever you decide, that you are happy. I know sometimes it is easier said than done. :hug:

:hugs:

:hug:

...and say that I totally understand.

A lot!

Thanks.

:hug:

And you both need to recognize that.

Get counseling. You both are in the mode of "you vs. me" and somehow you both need to move to the mode of "us vs. the world." I'm not sure how you do that, other than lots of love and communication. The counseling will help with the communication.

*sigh*

Good luck, Honey. I don't know what to say besides the counseling is a good idea.

:hug:

Thanks.

Damn few problems can't be solved by a little extra cash flow. Ha.

But seriously, the best way to solve a problem like this is with a team effort. I'd approach it in a professional way, since it's obvious that yall both care for each other a great deal. Looking at an insurmountable pile of problems is very disheartening. But if take the problems on one at a time and approach each one from a different perspective (and some good ground rules like "only 15 minutes of complaint allowed per day, max, then move into problem-solution mode") might help yall make the pile of problems seem smaller and more manageable.

Just a few thoughts.

...the second one.

;-)

Divorcee's on the re-bound are hot.

You are my nemisis.

especially if there's still love and the potential to work things out.

And anyway, what are you doing in a polyamourous pod with my sweetie if I'm not invited? :hi:

That would be great!

And it sounds like he has lost, which is too bad for him. Think of the baby though. There's no way I would have wanted to grow up without my dad. No way. You fight about who does more housework? As a single parent, you will do all of it. So that is not going to make anything easier. You will also then pay strangers to take care of your son while you work, unless your parents will help. It might not hurt to move to Chicago together though, if that is a place where parents will be around to help.

It might help to join a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)group and you can compare stories. My SiL loved doing that.

...it's that I do about 3 hours of housework a day and he says I do none. It's that he's created this reality where the only thing that saves his ego is for me to be a lazy monster, and I'm neither.

But I agree, I want my son to have his father.

Is it under attack? I always thought it would save my ego to have a great wife and son.

Are you suggesting she stay together for the children? And to stay together so she doesn't have to "pay strangers to take care of your son"?

That's what my parents did, and it was a living hell for both of them, and not so great for us. When they finally got divorced it was an enormous relief. Both parents seemed happier, also. We got our parents, and not miserable robots so drained by a terrible marriage that they couldn't enjoy us and our time together.

Also, I'm a single parent, and it sucks, hard--I wouldn't wish it on anyone actually. But I'd hardly suggest someone stay in an unhappy marriage so that they don't have to "pay strangers" and do housework all by themself!

I used to pray as a child that my parents would get divorced because my father made our lives so miserable, in part because he was jealous of us, particularly of my brother (he's got some special needs that required my mother to pay more attention to him).

If daddy thinks he's in a competition with his child, the child is going to lose one way or another.

You say that being a single parent "sucks hard". That is sorta what I was saying. It is not a good idea to get divorced until the unhappiness of the marriage is greater than the likely unhappiness of the single life.

I did not see anything in the OP that sounded like a living hell, although I did not think it was fair for her to call her husband a baby after he had cared for her through an accident. That didn't sound like something a baby would do.

It's a huge relationship-changer. I agree with the above sentiments suggesting counseling; you don't sound completely worn down and defeatist. It's a relatively new problem, right, since the wee one's still a baby? All the better to address the issues now and attempt to alter the negative patterns the two of you are forming. Sounds like you could definitely benefit from some help in sorting things out. Good luck and hugs!

:hi:

completely normal.

You 3 are going through an age old ritual of families coming to terms with themselves as a unit.

It's a time of adjustment, compromise and dang it, it should just be plain old fun. You BOTH have taken on a new full time job, raising a kid. It's not that hard really, I've done it. Actually it's easier as a single mom because (I) didn't have to ask anyone else's permission or opinion. I just ran my home and my life in accordance with what I wanted, but I digress.

I have to tell you, the one thing that made my life easier, especially after I got into a relationship with a fella, was that I HIRED A MAID. Seriously. A maid every week or every two weeks makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

Consider it. Find a way to do it. It will save your entire life and make your marriage work a lot better. When you aren't worrying about mopping and vacuuming and laundry and cleaning the bathroom suddenly, you'll have time for your large hairy child AND the bubbly new one. BOTH OF YOU.

Find a way to scrounge up an extra $200 bucks a month and get a maid and things will be suddenly very different. You'll be able to relax and focus on your family.

I'm donning the flamesuit right now, because I have to tell you that he's being a big baby (which you know and have alluded to I think). All of his bitching about you is absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely. And being jealous of a baby? Aww, hell naw. Seriously.

You still love each other though, and that means a lot. Maybe this is just a rough patch for you guys. Though, there are plenty of women/men in love with someone who is sabotaging the relationship for whatever reason.

I echo everyone's suggestion for counseling. If he takes your relationship as seriously as you do, he will go, and things will be fine.

Good luck!

:hi:

veracity, but

You're right but maybe not right, too.

It's certainly not uncommon for a man (and sometimes a woman but less often because she is usually the primary caregiver) to feel some jealousy and resentment of their offspring, especially the first. What has been a couple has suddenly become a trio and one of the trio is very needy. No amount of planning can prepare you for the life changing reality of being a parent and nobody reacts the very same way as the next person.

Add to that all the other stresses that the OP's family has gone through - her accident, etc. - and he may just be stressed and overwhelmed. Guys in particular have trouble articulating stress and often manifest it by becoming moody, quick to anger, unreasonable, argumentative and irrational. Instead of actively seeking solutions, being overwhelmed tends to make a person see obstacles even when there are none and it has a snowball effect, getting worse over time instead of better since the person's very attitude tends to make the real problems worse. And that's what it sounds like to me - it doesn't sound like he's always been this way. It sounds like he really pitched in and cared for her after the accident, for example - plenty of people (especially those who really are "babies") would find an excuse to cut and run in that situation.

I hope things work out for them, at any rate.

Hubby is out tonight, and I have to say, I'll be really glad when he comes home so I can give him a big hug and kis and try to let him know that no matter how hard things seem, I love and support him.

Thanks everyone! You all really helped me think about this.

Hubby is out tonight, and I have to say, I'll be really glad when he comes home so I can give him a big hug and kis and try to let him know that no matter how hard things seem, I love and support him.

Thanks everyone! You all really helped me think about this.

be this: try a short break from each other. Take the baby to Chicago, and after a while just go with your gut - if you're happier apart, then file the papers.

What you've got is "Red Sox / Yankees Syndrome" - as in two sports fans who see the same play and still can't agree on whether the runner is safe or out, because they only see it from one point of view. Now in your case, you're surprisingly objective - but if your husband is only willing to believe, as you say, that he has done everything right, then running to a counselor isn't going to help you.

Now in the interests of full disclosure, I admit I look upon marriage counseling with skepticism. I was appalled as a kid at how Ann Landers and Dear Abby's answer to any even remotely difficult question was "seek counseling." Hell, I could do that for a tenth of what they were making.

But I digress. If you've done everything to can to be fair, and you're convinced that your husband won't budge, then you've got an impasse that a highly-paid stranger is unlikely to solve. Let a separation shake your trees and see what falls out. You owe it to yourself to make yourself happy first.

He has a history of taking a hard-line during a dispute, and then taking on a more nuanced view after he's thought about it for several days.

Usually when he says something ridiculous, I don't fight with him. I just believe that deep inside he knows the truth, and he will eventually let himself see it.

Thanks.

take my advice and go with a trial separation. No matter which way this is destined to play out, what I'm recommending will reduce the amount of time you'll have to wait to find out.

I wish you the best of luck and the happiest possible 2006.

...divorced or not....one day Garrison will come home with a little baby in his arms...and inform
you that his wife/girlfriend has left and he will need you to help raise your grandchild.

...and if the grandpa is around at that time....he will be a big help.




Lots of love to your family....
Tikki
ps..if not the above scenario...it will always be something, ya know.

you can't just take the baby to Chicago, he won't let you. If he would let you, then maybe that's what you should do, since he doesn't care about his child anyway.

Just sending positive energies and wishing you luck! :hi:

And, I'd babysit if I was near, so that you could have some time for yourself and your partnership. Dates are vital.

:grouphug:

dropping the kids with either your family or his for a few days, and take some time off together, with no kids. Down time between adults is very important.

Now, just so you know, I don't have kids, but I have been with my husband for ten years, and we have known each other since we were 12 year old kids. Not only that but we have worked together for ten years too.

You got married for a reason. Remember that. Good luck!:hug:

Edited because my spelling sucks.

emotionally involved and can therefore see things that neither of you can.

That's why counseling is a good idea.

All I know, about marriage, is that sometimes the mountain is just too hard to climb. But, then again, being a single parent, which is what I am--or divorced, rather--is just as difficult.

I have no regrets about my divorce. But I was being violently abused, so there was no way I was going to raise my son in that kind of a situation.

Renee, if you need someone to just listen to you, PM me, and I'll give you my phone number. Sometimes it just helps being able to allow yourself to vent to someone who has no dog in the fight. Ya know?

Anyway, PM me if you want my number and I'll be glad to listen. :hug:

Give it some time. It's way too soon to give up yet. Babies are the most stressful time in a marriage (except wallpapering; if you want a divorce try walpapering a room together- LOL).

I expect he's having adjustment issues (as are you), and a big part of the 'you aren't there enough' is that you paying enough attention to him (he needs to get used to that). Let him know that it'll only be 10 or 15 years and you'll both have time for each other again.

As for the housework; you will never be able to keep up. kids make messes as fast as you can pick up after them. Both of you need to lower expectations for a few years on just about everything. You're right, 'the baby has the stick', and neither of you are going to get it back anytime soon.

DON"T TAKE DAILY FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON EACH OTHER!!

When the baby spews toxic waste out both ends and all over his clothes and the furniture just as you are sitting down to dinner, remember that everything can be cleaned and microwaves are a great invention. Don't upset and take it out on each other (very important for him).

If you love each other let the little stuff go, it isn't important anyway. And remember what the big stuff really is.

Finally, go out on a date once in a while. Get out enjoy each other, forget about the kid for a couple of hours! It'll be good for both of you.

I feel MUCH better.

I think if I were really serious about divorce, I'd never have written this post. I'd have filed papers and then asked for support.

But the fact that it's crossed my mind is just scary, and the feeling that I've lost my partner and that we're working against each other is just so alien and awful.

But is IS pretty typical, isn't it?

When you really measure things out, we're so lucky.

Thanks.

sometimes venting is all (either of)you need.

I've been married a long time (and raised 2 boys). I learned early on that I knew nothing about taking care of babies. My wife also learned that she knew nothing about boys.

We both learned quite a lot from each other (and the boys) over the years. It's truly a wild ride that no one is ever prepared for.

Ever see the movie parenthood? (if not check it out, it'll make an impression now that you're parents)

The last piece of advice I have (for any young parents) is to laugh as much as you can and hold hands as much as you can (so you don't forget how to).

you sound like me and mine up until a few months ago. in fact, we were separated for a while. but a big part of it was neurochemistry- he was sleep deprived. he has apnea. i was sick as well, with fibromyalgia, which i finally got a handle on. so, we are both feeling better, he got some real useful individual therapy. and after 24 years, and 4 kids (plus one of mine) we are finally happy.
but looking back, emotionally, the overwhelming thing is that we did not trust each other, and now we do. or we are getting there. it put us on a different planet. i can't tell you how to get there from where you are. we took a real roller coaster of a route. i don't think your hubby wants to get his gall bladder taken out, which was part of our ride. don't think you want to follow too many of the other turns, either.
we always loved each other. it's just that every single minute of every day, and every decision about everything, was about who was in charge. it sucked. in spite of the happy ending, i cannot tell you that it is worth it. maybe i should have left. i don't know.

I'm confident that you'll make the best decision for you and your family. Your husband is a good guy (from what I met of him and know from you). I think you're all in a huge period of adjustment. If you both get back on the same page, I think things can be worked out.

:hug:

Polymorous pod? Matcom is a bed hog. x(

I want things to work out. I wasn't convinced when I first posted, but I am now. I hope we'll be okay.

Are you ready to take on the single parent role? Its not an easy route to travel. Been there done that. Marriages of convenience are empty and lonely but you need to explore the alternatives.
Having been in a marriage of convenience for the last half of my 18 year commitment and a single parent the last 10, its like there is no ideal situation given those two options.
I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems.

I am NOT taking sides but do notice that you say that you are doing all the work at home AND that you have cut down on your hours at work because you needed to.

Aside from that...

NO ONE and I mean NO ONE gave us any kind of heads up on the fights we would have. Everyone now says "Oh yeah we fought all the time" "like cats and dogs" etc.

My wife thinks I am slack about worrying about the child falling and about the house work while I think she is a slob and that we need to bath the baby every other day at least. That is a very short summary of the fights we have. Mostly it is about priorities. I think "don't worry" about some stuff "Let's just have fun" while my wife thinks that everything is trying to hurt HER BABY. And so on

Remember that you still have some hormone things going on too. Again not taking sides. Remember also that he suddenly isn't free at all (this is something that no one talks about) he no longer can do anything at all without the baby coming #1 and you #2 and him #3 and this FACT hit him like stepping on a rake on the first visit to the OB/GYN.

I hope this helped in some way. I would say take it easy and don't jump to anything.

"Life is what happens when you are making other plans"-John Lennon.

...of the 3rd option.

Sweetie, you're facing the realities of married life with a child and everyone hits rough patches (And I think you know that too). Maybe some of the problem is living in that small apartment so cooped up and maybe you two should both consider moving to the Chicago, get a fresh start and build from there.

But if you decide to go with option #3, well by-golly who am I to stop the polygamious pod thingie. Better yet, let the grandparents watch Garrison for a weekend and come visit Ramsey and I in Philly

I want to buy an old farm house in Ulster County and get a development job at Bard college. I want to live in a big sunny house on an acre of land with hills in the horizon and loads of trees and FRESH AIR!!!

I will learn to drive.

There's a job opening in the development department at Bard right now. But we don't have the money to move yet.

I do want to get the hell out of here really.

We can't afford to leave our apartment and still live in or near the city. We have the best deal on our place. We'd never find anything close to what we have now without paying at LEAST $1000/month more.

I feel so trapped in that dark, tiny apartment. And I'm so sick of the bas fumes and the fumes from the BQE.

There are a lot of things I love about our neighborhood and about NYC, but for the most part, I want to leave. I just want to get out of here so badly.

I know Dutchess county is expensive but you don't want to drive from New Paltz to Annandale five days a week.
Bard does give you the advantage of being surrounded by a bunch of New Yorkers even out in the sticks.

Anyway, there's tons of stuff in the area. I get Ulster County and Dutchess County Real Estate updates in my email every week.

I know that you're thinking in the context of a good move from the city. Either New Paltz or Bard would be a great location. It just struck me as a weird commute given the other choices in the area. I guess living in one and working in the other would give you a two college town environment and that has its advantages, and neither one is a cramped apartment in the city.:-)

I'm sure I didn't spell that right. But it looks close to Bard.

Red Hook, Barrytown and Tivoli are the closest towns, period.
Closer to the Kingston bridge you'd be "forced" to travel on the river roads more frequently and both 9W and 9G have very pretty sections. It's a cool area.

I also love Rhinebeck and Red Hook, but they are expensive. Pine Plains is nice too, might be farther out. Very nice though. My mom lives in Stanfordville. I was born in Dutchess County. We left there last year and moved to Maine - it got too expensive for our family. We have three kids - oldest is three - living on one income. I know what you and your husband are going through. It's pretty stressful. Good luck, my husband and I have had some pretty rocky times. Money always plays a big part of it. Somehow we pull through.

Make some goals - give yourself a year to get the money together needed to get the heck out of there. I use to live in a dark dingy apartment and it can drive you bonkers.

I mean, Garrison needs his mommy but millions of kids are raised in this country where both parents work. Hopefully you two can find a way to get it all worked out so maybe in 2007 you can move out somewhere open & spacious!

and it sounds like you have something worth saving, albeit something that requires a little work right now. Good luck!

It's such a huge adjustment, in terms of the couple and also the individuals--gone the nightlife, the romantic evenings, the sex on a whim, the time to wander and do things with friends, individually and as a couple, the personal space, the freedom. You love your baby infinitely, but nothing can prepare you for the change he wreaks on your life.

My marriage nearly crashed and burned after the second baby. I totally credit marriage counseling with saving it. We did YEARS of counseling-- there are always stresses, large and small, and it's wonderful to have that forum to bring them to.

From what I know you do love each other and have a strong connection-- but now it's time to put in the work. Good marriages do not come easy, in my experience.

Your hubby does sound like a bit of a baby, especially the flip-flop about returning to work FT vs. financial burden. Counseling will help you make the decision you're trying to make. I went into it hoping to save my marriage, but by the time we stopped it was clear as the nose on anyone's face that needed changes were not forthcoming, he didn't have the ability to see his part in the issues, so divorce was the only answer left. It was sad, but I was able to leave knowing I'd done everything possible.
Good luck to you both. :hug::hug:
Moni

it really does. I've been married 33 years. After a while the kids grow up and you run out of stuff to argue about.

Don't even think of divorce. You're angry. See a counselor..your issues can be solved.

Divorce is hell on kids. They survive, but it is so rough.

Don't think about the child; think about the sigfile

That does it. I'm in!

;-)

Hubby and I will celebrate our 20th next spring. Like you, we have gone through some really tough times. There were times I was ready to give up and walk away, but like you, I loved my husband so I did my best to make it work. For me, the most important thing was providing a safe and loving home for my son. I knew that I could make it as a single mom, but that to do so would mean that I had to work full time and that we would have to give up alot of things that make our lives enjoyable and comfortable. Hubby and I made a lot of changes to make our life as a family work. I still do most of the parenting and all the housework, but even though I don't like it, it is fair because I don't work outside the home.

Your hubby sounds a lot like mine. If you love him, I would urge you to seek counseling and try to make it work. My life is vastly different than I imagined, but I am glad I stuck it out. After 20 years, I still love my hubby as much as the day I married him. Of course, there are days I want to kill him, but those days are fewer than the days I like having him by my side. I wish you the best.

No advice other than what's already been given re. marriage counseling. Just :hug:s Babies are a huge strain on the best of marriages. Your problems seem like very typical baby related ones from what you say, and I think with counseling you're going to make it. :hug: again, sweetie.

from it's father, makes me question you...

...I'd need to be in a place where I have support. I couldn't live on my own and care for my son in New York City with no help.

you cannot possibly know enough details to assume one thing or another.

that doesn't give me the right to question the motives of others who are trying to figure out a way to survive if the worst happens.


I'll judge you right up to the point that you seem to have some anger over an absent parent. For that, I'm sorry as I know how it is. BUT, your pain doesn't give you the insight to assume the mother's motives.

How do you know the husband wouldn't follow so they could both afford to live separately and raise the child? You don't know because we're not privy to all the details.. that's my point.

is that if her husband is anything like me, I would fight for custody of my child if my ex wanted to take flight to another state with my child! She has to know that the child is not only her child, but her husbands too!

Again, we don't know their specifics . I hope it works out for all of them and that isnt' even an issue.

And actually, if I felt that I could post the real extent of some of what's gone on, it would be clear that I've done everything possible to make sure I don't have to take the baby out of this area, away from his father's side of the family.

...and i was telling him that I could neither handle caring for the child at home or working full time to provide financially, i would think that i had created a very difficult situation and that he was just trying to make sure he and the baby would be ok. And then I'd wake up and get a job.

Sounds like your issues aren't relationship ending but transitional in nature. You've gone through some major stuff the last few years..more than most couples have to. It's bound to put a strain on things

Get some counseling, talk it out and do the best you can for all 3 of your sakes.

Good Luck :hug:

You need to give it some more time. Of course having a kid changes everything. You two need to adjust your lifestyle now that you have a child. Change is hard. You two seem like you both have a full plate with the kid and your work schedules.
I think you need to set a time frame to allow these changes to smooth over. If you're still feeling this way when the time frame deadline passes, then maybe you should think about what's best for you and that may include divorce.
Good luck. :hi: :hug:

and boy, am I glad I never had one! :rofl:

Seriously, though, it sounds like there is a lot of pentup anger on your husband's side because after a baby is born, the husband is the one who gets less attention. He's probably jealous, and him taking on more responsibility is just exacerbating his anger and hostility. It's like he is feeling less secure, under appreciated and taken for granted.

A few suggestions for you--dismiss or ignore things you don't agree with, or at least consider a few.

1) Have your hubby take a family leave. It's usually for 3 months from what I remember. During that time, you go to work fulltime to keep a wageearner in the family. Spending more time with his child will create a greater bond with the two of them, and that will help immensely with your husband's fears that he is being ignored.

2) Have your hubby take a family leave and if you can go for a couple of weeks traveling with the baby, do that together. Being away from work and that additional stress can help out a relationship as well. The family leave can be as little or as long as you think it should be.

3) Try a trial separation. That's a bigger step, obviously, but sometimes people need to be apart before they can be better together.

4) A marriage counselor. The kind of situation you're in is probably fairly common, and a counselor can give you info on what works and what doesn't.

5) Go to Chicago with the baby, but make it a short trip, like a week. Hubby can fend for himself during that week, and perhaps it will change attitudes.

6) Find someone to babysit twice a week and you and hubby go on "dates" during those nights. Even something as simple as a change of scenery can affect a relationship in a positive way. Perhaps just dinner, or a movie, or bowling or whatever. It's just a chance for the two of you to be together without Jr. in the middle.

7) Similar to 6, but instead of just "dates" out, try taking a class together. Lots of adult education places have classes for couples, so there should be something around for the two of you to try.

8) Find a political activity that will bring you together on a regular basis. If he's not as politically active as you are, it's okay to do it yourself. Those nights, he can BE the babysitter, and he can bond more with the baby.

That's about all I can think of right now. Hope it works out for you all.

he has to be part of the solution, otherwise he's going to feel more defensive and "ganged up" on and it sounds as if he's already 1/2 way there.
and just remember, positive reinforcement and rewards work, and can put you on an upward spiral almost instantly, just as surely as the opposite is true. resist the urge to say, well you should have been doing that anyway. try and be hopeful and express gratitude with any and all progress.
good luck sweetie!

but none of them divorced for the reasons you state above. It's painful to be a sympathetic ear and hear these stories, but that is what friends are for: to be there when times are bad as well as the good times.

Having been through that, I would agree with others you are hitting rough times with adjusting your married life around a new child.

Counseling, and getting some time alone with your spouse would help.

I wish you and your spouse the best. You will overcome this small obstacle :hug:

Personally, I'd stick it out if only for the child. I know that's not popular these days, but it's how I feel. As long as nobody is being abusive and life isn't horrible, I would certainly stay together at least until the baby is older.

I have two kids now, one 3 and one zero, and they're both the light of my life. For their sake I could stick out a loveless marriage for quite a while, I think (luckily I don't have to).

But anyway, also understand that I think everyone goes through this. Having a baby is very, very hard work. You don't get to have your old life anymore. You can keep parts of it if you're clever, but for a while at least, you do lose part of who you are. Both my wife and I hated her second pregnancy and just wanted it to be over so we could get on with our lives - and it wasn't even a difficult one.

Anyway, there's not much real advice there, but I do wish you all the best of luck!!!

david

...and has shows or oractice 4 or 5 nights a week. I have given up everything so that he can keep his music.

Anyway, the baby is 15 months old now. He's wonderful and he loves his daddy...and so do I. I just want some credit, and some understanding.

Thanks.

That sounds rough! (and that's a LOT of bands!)

I wish I had more helpful advice! Good luck!!!

david

You've just come to the first big dip in the marriage roller-coaster. Does your stomach feel it yet?

Get the counseling. Make your compromises. Enjoy the challenge of making it work.

Then hold on, because the next dip will be there around the bend.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

PS: You can do this, because you love each other. Really. :-)

That's the attitude I'm trying to take now.

:loveya:

you two have been through more in a short time than many couples go through in a lifetime

Your issues sound like "normal" stresses in a marriage due to having a baby

always keep what's best for your child first

If you love him you should try to make this work, find a counselor.

:hi:

On July 19,1996 I married my best friend in the whole entire world. And things were going to be perfect. Only, they weren't.

I remember that first year being tough. Really tough. I had a late loss of an unplanned pregnancy, and then another. He wasn't "sad enough" in my opinion. He felt I was "wallowing". We struggled through. I tried to keep in mind how I felt on July 19, 1996, to carry me through the rough days.

The second year was better. It brought us our son. But it also brought the feeling of being overburdened financially to my husband, and the feeling of not being appreciated to me. I tried hard to remember that July day.

The fifth year brought another pregnancy lost and my husband getting a vasectomy that I didn't want...I begged, threw myself at his feet....packed my bags even. He went through with it and I hated him....Hated HIM. But the memories of a beautiful day and promises made were remembered.

Years 6-9 brought much illness, pain and very near the loss of my life. I never want to feel his tears falling on my feverish face again. It was only then, shamefully, that I let myself realize how much he needed me...as much as I need him. Even though his way of showing it isn't always what "I want" it to be.

Things are rough sometimes. Take today, we're nipping at each other. He thinks he's working harder on the bathroom because it's physical...even though I've been doing the job I get paid for at the computer all day...and the laundry. I see it differently obviously. Because he doesn't "see" me at work while he's gone, it sometimes feels as if he doesn't credit me with having a job...plus the majority of the housekeeping burden.

And then, sometimes,it's perfect. A hug here...a grab there. a wink. quiet (and sometimes not so) times when the kids are asleep...laughing at my goofy screw ups...and the fact that he would defend me before anyone. Sometimes, he thrills me still. And we always have the perfection of that July day.

I think you have this too. Sometimes not so perfect, but underneath...a bond that shouldn't and wouldn't ever be really severed.

Please think carefully before you break up baby's family. I've been a single mom....it's tough.

Much love,

Laura

It sounds like the root of your problems are economic. If you got divorced you'd still have the economic burden of raising a kid by yourself, assuming you got custody, and likely living in an expensive real estate market.

Another factor to consider is the future mental health of your child. Even if you and your husband separate amicably, your child may not take it as well. It sounds like your child already has a strong emotional attachment to your husband. Also in 10-15 years your kid may start wondering, "Did my parents get divorced because of me?", and you would have to be comfortable dealing with that question.

I hope it all works out the best for you and your family.

I've always left. That's the way I've always dealt with people, places, situations that didn't work for me. It started when I was a child, in a very dangerous and abusive situation. I finally realized that I could leave, and that's been my first impulse ever since. I leave.

So last night when I really felt DH and I had come to an major roadblock, when I really felt that he was putting me in an impossible situation, when I really wondered how he could have such a view of me and still love me, and when I was really unsure if he were willing or able to provide for our son in any capacity, I wondered if I might not be better off just leaving. At least then things would be clear.

But expressing myself here today and reading all the posts, I'm willing to do what it takes.

It's gonna be hard, and I'm sure it's gonna hurt and keep hurting for a while. I'll just have to figure it out.

I want my baby to have a mommy and daddy who love each other and share a loving home. We DECIDED to have a baby, and tried for such a long time, and lost one on the way. We decided to have a baby because of how much love we had to offer, and because of the loving, affectionate home we've created.

I don't know how to get that back...but I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and hopes for my little family.

Thanks so much.

that when you were completely disabled and needed him there, he was there. Right now that's in the past and nitpicking and comparisons have taken up the space that that physical, mental and emotional devotion he gave you when you REALLY needed it had taken.

It's good that you realize that bolting is your automatic impulse when things get tough..Be well.

(oh..and one possible way to recover THAT space of partnership is to recall a time in your relationship when he was loving, nurturing and tended to your needs...then TREAT HIM like that person again and that person will probably rear his pretty head)

It sounds like you're both keeping score. You said it yourself about both of you feeling like you're getting the short end of the stick. Sounds like you're tied 0-0. This struggle is all about personal needs being sacrificed for baby, and a bit of a mistrust (or simply too busy to remember) that both of you are doing your best.

If it's a question of time vs. money, time wins IMHO. Financial sacrifices are easier to make than family time. I'd figure out how much you need to live on, worry about the college fund later, and enjoy watching your kid growing up. My wife and I are tackling the exact same thing: lots of pushes and pulls. We basically got our priorities in line (and in synch) and it's kept us focused through the rough spots. I just got a tutoring job and can pretty much set my own schedule. If money gets tight, I just take on more work.

Hope this helps.

I admit it. I'm a guy and I harbored jealousy against my child slightly after she was born. Most of that comes from immaturity! As Cora grew and began playing, I realized that I was just being a baby. I'm sure my wife felt the same damn way that you did at that point.

As for the arguing about housework, that comes from laziness (which is yet another trait of manhood that I don't understand, but damn it if I don't have it).

Yet. . . the line of communication needn't be broken over trivial, petty jealous (from either party, in which case I would declare him to be the petty one), nor do ultimatums ever work (no, I didn't get that from Dr. Phil, just from personal experience).

My advice is this: communicate how you feel. Tell him that you are going to part time, but will continue with freelance work. Inform him that because of this, you will need him to work full time. A parent's responsibility is to the child, not to the selfishness that has accrued through years and years of spoiling(don't act as if it's not true!). If you feel like you need a counselor to arbitrate, then by all means, do so. You can get counseling without paying for it.

From personal experience; however, I felt overwhelmed at first. Cora was so demanding. Michelle was so tired and the pregnancy was so hard on her. She really wanted the baby too. At the time, I was the only one working and going to school at the same time (when she was born). And, if you think housework can get done, you got another thing coming. Cora is now nearly two years old. She is a bright eyed child and destructive as all hell (they all are). But, hang in there. Let him play with his son when he can. That is when Daddy bonds, trust me. The first time I kissed Cora during play and she smiled. I was won over. Now she has me wrapped around her little finger.

Divorce isn't an option if you've been through so much. I know what it's like to stare down the barrel of financial burden. I know what it's like to groan and curse my way to the kitchen to make a bottle. I know what it's like to stare, jaw slacked, at your partner as you feel they do something so god damned idiotic and selfishly feel they've done it to slight you. Everything has it's rough spots. Everything.

Your husband does sound like a good and caring man. He will make a great father, give him time. I promise you, watch his reaction to Garrison's smile as his fingers are being tugged by the boy. Watch his reaction when Garrison brings him a book to read.

By the way, I promise you, I still sighed tonight when Michelle said: "Daddy, Cora needs to go peepee. Take her to the bathroom." I saw the brow raise at the sigh, smiled and took her in there. It still grates on my nerves to hear: "Scott, it's your turn for the cat box and the trash." But, then I just take a deep breath and realize that she did it the night before.

..if one does not have wild dreams of achievement, there is no spur even to get the dishes washed. One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being

May Sarton


p.s. say hello to our mutual friend...I dropped him an email but I suspect he is gone for the holidays :hi:

Just in a constant state of hibernation. I would figure, at least. ;) Anyhow, I will relay the message later this day. I feel that I need to contact him.

I really do feel so much better after hearing posts like yours. It's all so normal.

And I was really tired too after our son was born.

During our argument, my SO had said, it seems like you just shut down after the baby was born. I thought he was nuts because I've been working my ass off.

But then today I remembered, for months I was so tired, all I did was work, nurse and sleep. Then I snapped out of it, but my husband didn't seem to notice the second part, and I had forgotten the first part.

Anyway, thanks again.

counsel, seek counsel.

of "babies having babies."

If you're down to the point of keeping some sort of mutually vindictive journal of who "works harder," you're already done. You just don't know it for sure yet.

:crazy:

OK. Never mind. This is clearly some sort of satire I don't get.

Nobody could write the last 4 to 6 paragraphs with a straight face. Frankly, seeing you italicize "having a baby changes everything" early on reminds me of Dear Leader saying "The world changed on September 11." Can't buy it. The perception changed. The world didn't. Neither did "everything."

Sorry if I read it wrong.

Tough post.

Define love. Love is not some squishy feeling, it is a decision and a commitment. You both already made that decision when you got married, so stick to it. Having a baby means sacrifice. Yes, the baby has the stick and that is as it has to be. Right now it sounds live it is just an infant. That will not last forever. The baby exists and someone has to care for it. That means either you or the father. Since it is you, the father has to be the provider. Since he is doing the providing, you have to shoulder the direct inconvenience of child care so he is free to support the family. If money is the problem, figure out what you can do without. In the 1950s, women stayed home while the father worked to support three or four children. That was before disposable diapers. They they could do it, so can you. We expect too much now.

Know this: divorce will not make it easier, but harder. Instead of supporting one household, your one and a fraction incomes will have to support two. Plus, if you think he is not helping now, wait until there is no one else home at night.

...I was providing financially and my DH was the primary caretaker, then he said he couldn't handle it and wanted to go back to work full time. So I reduced to a part time schedule, then he came to me and said he couldn't handle working full time and providing financially.

So I have him telling me that he can't do anything. And at the same time he's telling me that he's doing everything, and that I'm doing nothing.

It's not rational. I just don't know what to do with it.

And then he tries to tell me I haven't done a dish in 2 years, when I've done almost ALL the dishes.

It's crazy.

But we'll work it out. I was just so frustrated because it seemed like he was purposely just trying to create an unworkable situation and make irrational arguments that I couldn't counter because they weren't reality based.